Searching for dad's will cont...

Natalief

Manxman_in_exile said:

Regarding mirror wills - similar thing happened in my family.  My brother and his wife had mirror wills.  A couple of years after she died he remarried and left everything to his new wife, disinheriting his own children.

Unfortunately it happens a lot - and it usually happens when a father remarries after divorce or after his first wife has died.  Sad to say, it's perfectly lawful and there's nothing you can do about it - unless it happened in Scotland.

(Going back to your other thread, are you sure your mother only came out of the divorce with £1000?  Didn't she get any share at all in the married property that you say above sold for £375k?

I find that even more surprising if one of your mother's relatives is a lawyer.  They may only be able to practise in Scotland but I would have thought your mother could still have got generally applicable advice from them to safeguard her position.)

Oh gosh, how awfully sad to hear of your family dispute. I'm so sorry. 
It's really wrong. But, meaning no disrespect, it helps to know that I, (and my brother's) are not the only ones that have gone through this. 
So, my mum, was the most brilliant stay at home mum for 16 years. The best.
Married to my dad for 25 years. 
Then she went through (what we now know as premature menopause-she was undiagnosed then) and said she 'needed space' so went to stay in a flat above a pub, providing she would be the assistant manager, she wouldn't have to pay rent. So, mum temporarily moved out - she wasn't the brightest, with regards to her rights at the time, and didn't really know her own mind if I'm honest.
I know all this because unbeknownst to my parent's, I used to sit at the top of the stairs and hear their arguments. 
Dad argued in the divorce, that as she had voluntarily moved out of the house, and he had paid all the bills for 25 years, she was entitled to nothing. 
She (bearing in mind had never worked for a wage in their marriage, and was losing the plot, so to speak, with the menopause) thought this was right, so was grateful for £1000!!
She was naive, he was clever. 
The family member who is now a lawyer, was only 10 at this time, and the Scottish lawyer, didn't know about all the above until way after the event, as she was ashamed. 
At 70 yrs of age, she still is ashamed, and has become deeply religious. She doesn't have any money, and she blames herself for the inheritance she lost for us had she have not 'needed space'. 
I took my dad's side for a while, until I, only recently also went through a premature menopause, and can now empathise with how desperately sad, lost and anxious she must have felt all those years ago, because it's only now that I've had treatment I can understand what a wonderful mother I do have,and how hard it must be (as it is for me) to see every penny, every keepsake of my dad's, every photograph of the past.... Gone. 
My dad's wife even burnt all our photos of us as children. 
Paints a picture, doesn't it? Of a selfish dad (who I still love) and a narcissistic woman, who he went on to marry. 
So, I think I have to find some kind of peace, knowing I have the best mother, who has nothing financially , but lavishes us with love. 
And know, I'm rich, because of her, and say goodbye to anything of my father's, as hard as that is,as it's clear I don't really have a case. 
Sorry for the long story, but I needed to clarify it a little bit more. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my thread. 
I'm very grateful. 
I wish you well. X

Manxman_in_exile

Your mother was married to your dad for 25 years having to raise two children, and when he divorced her she ended up with only a grand?  And the matrimonial home sold for almost £400k?

I'm surprised that such a divorce settlement would be possible.  What did her lawyer* say?

To be honest, if what you say about the way your father treated your mother (and you and your brother) is true - and I've no reason to believe it isn't -  then I personally would not fret too much about not being remembered in his will.  He obviously demonstrated 20 years ago that he didn't particularly care for any of you.

I don't mean any of that to be upsetting to you in any way but I'd suggest it's the only sensible way of looking at it.  If you don't put all of this behind you and forget about it, it'll just eat away at you and make you ill.  It's best just to let go of it.  Or at least that's my view.

*I assume she had a lawyer?  If she did, he or she must have been incompetent.  If she didn't and she was unrepresented, then your father's conduct is even more reprehensible in bullying her into this settlement.

Sorry.  Forget him...

Natalief

Manxman_in_exile said:

Your mother was married to your dad for 25 years having to raise two children, and when he divorced her she ended up with only a grand?  And the matrimonial home sold for almost £400k?

I'm surprised that such a divorce settlement would be possible.  What did her lawyer* say?

To be honest, if what you say about the way your father treated your mother (and you and your brother) is true - and I've no reason to believe it isn't -  then I personally would not fret too much about not being remembered in his will.  He obviously demonstrated 20 years ago that he didn't particularly care for any of you.

I don't mean any of that to be upsetting to you in any way but I'd suggest it's the only sensible way of looking at it.  If you don't put all of this behind you and forget about it, it'll just eat away at you and make you ill.  It's best just to let go of it.  Or at least that's my view.

*I assume she had a lawyer?  If she did, he or she must have been incompetent.  If she didn't and she was unrepresented, then your father's conduct is even more reprehensible in bullying her into this settlement.

Sorry.  Forget him...

Hi there,
Thank you for your response. 
A difficult read, but I do believe you're right.
Sometimes, no matter how old you are, the lack of love from a parent, really impacts on your mental health. It certainly has mine. You can't help you feel like you've done something wrong as a daughter. 
I was so involved in his death, never leaving his side. I fed him, held his hand, moped his brow, waiting for some sign of love for me. All he said was "I'm very proud of you three" (my brother's and I).
In August 2019,when he was having a chemo break, I went to see him, and stayed in a hotel up north for 3 days, so I could see him daily.
As I was leaving to come home, he loosely hugged me, but didn't respond when I told him I loved him. Upon returning home he sent me a text saying it was the best weekend he'd had for many years, and he loved me. 
A text that I can't delete.
To me, actions prove love, and I could count on my one hand how many times he travelled to see his children and grandchildren in 20 years. 
Only once did he come down without his wife. His wife very rarely let me be on my own with him.
A weak man who was controlled by a controlling woman. 
My mum, was a mess during their divorce, and she was grateful for £1000! I don't think she did have a solicitor, as she was homeless for some time. Both of my brothers and I moved out when he married again-so we rented a home with mum. 
I may be doing him an injustice, and we may be in his will, but to live thinking we're not, really hurts, so to spend years disliking him, to find out he did think of us will make me feel terrible.
Should I receive any monetary gain..... I will give it all to my mum. She deserves it. 
I will never doubt her parental love, and whilst I may struggle financially as a single mum, I'll always make sure my daughter never doubts my love, and every penny of my pension, will be hers.

I'm currently still having bereavement counselling, but even she thinks, my issues run far deeper than the loss of my dad, deep down I lost him 20 years ago.
But you're right, my mental health is suffering, and I'm in danger of self destruction, all because of my dad. 

I wonder if I could see his will if it has been done by a solicitor? That may bring clarity, but I'm not sure it's permitted. 
I may ask the question in this very helpful forum. 

Thank you once again. 

RAS

OP, I once found myself mourning the cat in an unreasonable way. Until I realised that what I was actually mourning was the loss of my father when I was a child. 

The fact that at the time I refused to be in the same room as the man and avoided him like the plague by the time I was 10 was irrelevant, my child self still needed to mourn the loss of the relationship when it had been good. 

Natalief

RAS said:

OP, I once found myself mourning the cat in an unreasonable way. Until I realised that what I was actually mourning was the loss of my father when I was a child. 

The fact that at the time I refused to be in the same room as the man and avoided him like the plague by the time I was 10 was irrelevant, my child self still needed to mourn the loss of the relationship when it had been good. 

I understand your point. Thank you.
You're right. I've been essentially grieving for 20 years. The 20 years he wasn't in our lives as I thought a dad or grandad  would want to be.
I remember watching him with my daughter when she was 6,and he looked her in the eyes and was smiling and took her for a walk around the areas we grew up in. He was so happy. 
I found myself upset. I was grieving the dad I lost when he relocated, and the father I wished had looked (or hoped) at me the same. 
This was the only time my dad ever did come to see his granddaughter on his own, without his wife. In fact, it was only about 5 times he ever did visit in 20 years. 
Lack of parental love has a habit of catching up with you at some point. 
Just goes to show, no matter how old you are, these relationships are integral in shaping who we become as an adult. X