Buying house further away from London- feeling confused- gut feeling or just scared of change?!

Catgirl86

Hi All,
Thought I would turn to here for a bit of advice with a decision which is now literally driving me mad and making me sick.
Husband and I are 34. We have worked in London for 10 years and bought our first 2 bed flat in Watford 7 years ago. We have 0 children yet, although we'd like to think we might in the next few years. We had a few happy years in the flat and then the service charge/terrible mgmt company and never-ending roof repair issues became a big problem so we wanted to move on. I have had a tough time with a ridiculously demanding/consuming/inflexible job and also anxiety/depression made worse over the past year, husband has a very good but stressful job too and WFH in the flat, which is now a huge source of stress to us both, has meant that when we finally got a v low offer on the flat in January, we decided to take it and move on for our sanity. Particularly as the problems with the flat are set to continue and as there are SO many new builds flats going up in the area. The flat is now in the process of selling.
Our original plan was to stay on the London Northwestern train line between London and Birmingham, I am from the midlands and go home a lot, so staying in or near to Watford, OR to move over onto the Chiltern Line where there is also a direct line between London and Brum. We are looking for a 3 bed semi with a garden and as little work to do as possible, a medium-term home as we are not really sure what are needs will be long-term (kids? commute to London still necessary?) and we may move back up to the midlands, so don't want a huge house and mortgage for the sake of it, just somewhere to live comfortably for 5-10 years max.
To justify moving outwards (longer/more expensive commute and less convenience) we wanted a house for under £450,000. We were originally looking at Princes Risborough or Haddenham on the Chiltern line or Kings Langley and Watford on the London northwestern line. But prices are quite crazy, demand for house is so high that we were very limited with options unless we go for a new build which we don't want to do.
So, we viewed a 3 bed detached on a quiet road in Haddenham, 0.8 miles from station direct into London, in great condition so we'd do v little to it. We didn't offer on it straight away as it didn't seem like the best 'investment' but we lost out on our first choice, viewed it again and decided to offer thinking it'd actually be a nice easy option when we are both so desperate for an easier time. It was on a £420k, we got it for £408k after offering and £405k and compromising. We can't do any extension to the property as the garden is small but it'd be fine for now.
Anyway, I am having doubts. Theres a huge new housing development nearby, another house on the same road has been listed for a few months (Although we viewed that too and condition was a lot worse) its not so close it would disturb our property, but v nearby, the commute is 1 hr 25 mins instead of the 1 hour I do from Watford (I don't mind my current commute at all) and its £1,500 a year more expensive for the season ticket. I am also not sure if we are paying too much, basically i am just coming up with obstacles. Otherwise its a lovely large village with all the necessary amenities, husband is full-time WFH now and will likely only go in once a week post Covid, it'd be a lovely place for visitors and I CAN see us in that house. But something is stopping me. When we try to go ahead I feel sick and SO anxious. It's been a terrible year for me mentally, decisions are hard all the time but I have a bit of dwelling on the negatives/worst case scenarios, and i can't think clearly about the longterm future (other than being with my husband). I think I am daunted by the thought of moving somewhere where everyone is quite settled and LOTS of people with young families when we don't have that yet- it feels a lot of pressure as we may not be lucky enough! I have started to think I find being surrounded by the hustle and bussle of urban living quite grounding! Or am I just seeing Watford through rose tinted glasses?!
Has anyone else moved further out from London to a more rural area (semi-rural) before having a family, were you daunted to the point you weren't sure if it was right? Did it work out?
I SO want to try it, my husband really wants to too, but after the nightmare with the flat, I am so scared to get it wrong and have to live in the turmoil I put myself into over these things! Finding myself feel so pulled to staying in Watford- we don't have any friends or family here and haven't made ANY effort to intigrate- we just go into London for work and to socialise or go to our family/friends elsewhere in the country, but its all of a sudden SO familiar and comforting and I am just wondering whether, despite it being a very urban, ugly place at times, we'd be better keeping some consistency and staying here. The house we would buy wouldn't be as nice and would be more expensive, but we'd keep the convenience of living somewhere with everything on our doorsteps/no need for a car.... I never thought i'd feel so attached to Watford! But is this a gut feeling or am I just panicking about a big change?
I have discussed with friends and family up to a point, but it's almost adding more pressure as they are obviously sharing their thoughts and are just wanting us to settle somewhere and get back on track quickly, but it's kind of making me feel like i am letting them down if I don't go ahead with the original house. Friends and family think we should just go for it- try the calmer/quieter more rural setting and have an easy few years with the new benefits of a pet, a garden and a community we'd be more likely to get involved in, we also have a family friend and her partner living there who know the area well.
I really have to decide quickly now if we are going to pull out as we need to instruct the solicitor/pay for searches etc, and i know its not fair on the vendors, but again when I think about pulling out i feel so sad and like such a let down for my husband, and also panic that we might regret it if we then have to rent whilst we wait for prices to come down a bit here.... I think I am scared to have nothing to go whilst our flat sale is progressing, and I hate the thought of having to do something temporary while we wait to find somewhere here, I desperately need to get through this stage of stress and uncertainty, feel like I am wasting my life in a state of turmoil!
Any thoughts would be welcome, I'm also sorry this is long and tiring and scatty but that's my mind right now!! I also appreciate only we can make the decision but having spent 3 weeks unable to reach a decision myself I have literally had enough. xx

SMcGill

No house, in any location, however great or cheap, will resolve your anxieties. And the only thing that you could do to let down those people who love you is not sayIng what would make you happy. As for neighbours making you feel under pressure to have children, sod them all. There is no single right answer that will solve everything you’re worrying about, so just make the decision that feels right for you now.

MFWannabe

If I were you I would write down on paper pros and cons so you can see it in black and white 
Remind yourself why you’re moving and all the trouble you’ve experienced with your flat; how would you feel if the sale fell through? Would you want to stay there? 

You say you have a ridiculously demanding and inflexible job, maybe you could look for something closer to home when you’ve moved? 

princeofpounds

Normally when it comes to things like this, it's tempting to give a 'pull yourself together' response. But your worrying is based on a rational fear, in a way. You got it wrong with your last property. So what if you get it wrong with the next one, and you lose the positives that you have built up in Watford at the same time?

Guess what - it's possible. Although there are things you can do to mitigate that risk, in terms of what due diligence you can do, and how well you think through your plans.

I think you need to have a healthy attitude to risk. Every decision we make carries some, with the potential for both positive and negative surprises. If you don't embrace risk to some degree, you will be paralysed from making decisions, and you will not be able to grow or experience any positive surprises, even if you avoid a few negative surprises. You'll end up in a grey state of limbo... a bit like Watford really haha.

So I would be very pro you moving. Seriously, you have have no real roots in Watford apart from familiarity, and that's probably the worst reason to stay in one place forever. It's the same logic that traps people in sink estates, and whilst Watford isn't that bad, believe me it's not that great either.

However, I would not say that you have to bind yourself to this specific property you are viewing. It's hard to be too specific here, but maybe it is too rural for you. Maybe it is in an area that doesn't have a similarly young population. 1hr 25 is a painful commute, I would only consider it if you are confident you will only go in once a week. It's the sort of time that will injure your health if you do it 5 days a week for a decade (I've been there). It may be a great house, but a house is not just about the house, if you get my meaning.

I think you need to discuss it with your other half and be honest about your reservations, and try to pinpoint what they really are. As for anyone else... who cares. They can have opinions, but that's all they are, and they don't have to live your life day-in, day-out so opinions come cheap (including mine!).

Good luck, genuinely. Stop worrying, and pull yourself together

Catgirl86

Thank you All, I really appreciate your time!
It's so hard, the house would be a dream house for now, IF it was here or if commute was the same time as now, and its SO appealing where it is, but I just keep getting stuck against barriers to just going with it and I am not sure if that's normal or if that's the gut instinct i would be glad I had listened to!
Princeofpounds- you are SO right about the decision-making paralysis- absolutely spot on with how I feel. You are also right in that the commute is long, although as the extra time is purely sat on a Chiltern train, I think it *could* be fine- a small price to pay to have a nice place to live and a house with a garden/nice space in comparison to Watford, and as it was extra time on the train I would just use it for admin/reading, but it does keep coming into my mind- WHY actually are we moving there and should I knowingly inflict that on myself?!
I'll be SO gutted if we pull out because it will mean either having a much bigger mortgage if we pay the over inflated prices here now, or renting for a while, and we so desperately want to have somewhere to settle asap after all of this stress, but at the same time it's so hard to go along with such a big decision when i just keep finding obstacles. I don't even know if what we want (mix of nice house but affordable and keeping similar commute to now) even exists but maybe where I am feeling so pressured, renting (although temporary when all I need is stability after this year) could be a short term thing for better long term....
I was actually starting to think I would just go ahead last week- thinking it's only a hard decision because there are multiple good options, but then I realised that behind the house at the end of the road the house is on (its a T shaped cul-de-sac) there is a huge development of new builds underway- around 350 houses. It supposed to be nicely landscaped with green spaces etc and it won't directly impact us as we are quite a way down the road, but it still means more property in the area, and I am not sure that's a good thing either? Some sources suggest good thing, some bad?
At this stage I just need to make a decision so I can get out of this stage of complete confusion, its exhausting! Wishing we had never even seen the place so  I couldn't miss it if we do pull out!

wannabe_a_saver

There's no law that you have to have a family to live in a suburb, or in a 3 bed semi. 
That said, if those kind of houses are pushing your finances more than you'd like, what about a 2 bed terrace as a stepping stone?  They tend to have good room sizes and if its got outdoor space should hold its value well. 

princeofpounds

Housing development in an area rarely lowers house prices in the long term, unless you are losing a spectacular view or there is some other particularly specific issue to your house. It's not a coincidence that prices strongly tend to be higher in highly-developed areas and lower in less-developed areas. Of course if you live somewhere and it gets more crowded NIMBY fears are understandable, but in general often overblown as future incomers don't have the same reference points, and higher levels of economic activity are pretty much the most important thing.

It can of course be a nuisance whilst construction is ongoing.

AdrianC

Catgirl86 said:

Or am I just seeing Watford through rose tinted glasses?!

Things you never thought you'd read...

Go back and re-read the first part of your post, about the reasons you want to move out of your current flat...

Has anyone else moved further out from London to a more rural area (semi-rural) before having a family, were you daunted to the point you weren't sure if it was right? Did it work out?

Haddenham is hardly the Scottish Highlands... It's 5 miles from Aylesbury and 2 from Thame, only 15 miles to Oxford. Given recent extensions, especially to Aylesbury, it's unlikely to be too long before Haddenham and Aylesbury basically join... But the dev you talk about? It's just a little bit of infill between the main road and an industrial estate...

Sure, you're outside the M25, but you're still very much within the London commuterbelt - and you need to be for work. BUT you're getting out of the solid suburban sprawl. Even if/when Thame and Aylesbury join with Haddenham no more than a suburb in the middle, you'll still only be a short distance from some of the loveliest countryside in the SE.

Falafels

As they say in 12-Step programs... "One day at a time".

Stop worrying about a long term future that may or may not come about. You're confident in a stable, loving relationship, and that's all you need for now. 

These are your certainties right now:
- Living in your current flat has been a nightmare recently, but luckily you can see an end to this as it's in the process of selling.
- You are in the process of buying a house in a very pleasant area, with easy access to countryside should you need it, and links to both London and Brum.
- The commute will be 25 mins longer than your current one, but it will be on a train (rather than fighting your way through lorries on the M62!)
- You already have friends who know the area well.

These are purely speculative, and/or have nothing to do with you:
- The state of the house down the road. Properties in a poor state of repair often take a while to sell.
-  "everyone is quite settled and LOTS of people with young families when we don't have that yet- it feels a lot of pressure as we may not be lucky enough!" You're referring to neighbours you haven't even met yet! Sure, there will be people with young families; there will also be couples who don't have children, young single people, older single people... there will be people moving into the area, moving out of the area... you name it! Not sure what you're referring to, when you say you may not "be lucky enough", but you can safely disregard what other people are doing unless it affects you directly; it really is something you don't need to take on board.
- Of course your friends will have views on what they think you should do, based on what they'd do in that situation. Again, it's interesting to hear other people's views, but you don't need to take them on board at all. You certainly won't be letting them down if you decide differently!

This is a thought which bears serious scrutiny, because it could impact on your long term future:
- "we might regret it if we then have to rent whilst we wait for prices to come down a bit here". Getting off the housing ladder whilst waiting for prices to come down genuinely is a dangerous game, unless you're comfortable with the possibility that you may be renting for ever. Nobody can accurately predict the housing market, but when the lockdown first happened last year, there were predictions that prices could drop by up to 20%. In the event, the housing market rose by 8.5%, the largest increase since 2014. Sure, there was a crash in 2008 - but that was under entirely different circumstances. It's not the possibility of renting that you should be worried about, but the possibility that, if you did, you may need to accept a property either much smaller than the one you'd like, or quit the home counties altogether. Though, to be fair, £408K will get you a lot of house in the Midlands!

Hope this helps clarify some of the issues for you; it's natural to feel anxious about a major life change, so be gentle with yourself. Just be clear which bits are relevant to your situation, and which bits aren't!

Good luck!

Catgirl86

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts, you have actually really helped me to step back a bit and approach this in a more pragmatic way- I think I have just been spiralling with this in my head for so long I am not even thinking clearly about it now, overthinking is an understatement with me at the moment but its just a situation which is in our hands and there are several good options if we just approach whichever we go for in a positive way, rather than deciding something then torturing myself with the worst case scenarios! I am going to make a decision over the next day or so as to whether to continue forward with this or to pull out and just focus on something nearby. I don't want to do my usual habit of avoiding change and have missed out on something which could've been hugely beneficial, but then at the same time, after all of this I don't want to make life feel more difficult, I want to move somewhere and then just crack on with life after this huge temporary hitch! Thanks again all, so grateful for your effort in your own time! 

Catgirl86

princeofpounds said:

I think you need to have a healthy attitude to risk. Every decision we make carries some, with the potential for both positive and negative surprises. If you don't embrace risk to some degree, you will be paralysed from making decisions, and you will not be able to grow or experience any positive surprises, even if you avoid a few negative surprises. You'll end up in a grey state of limbo... a bit like Watford really haha.

Princeofpounds this really resonated with me- have had it at the forefront of my head since your comment- so true.