Money Moral Dilemma: Should I tell my struggling uncle he doesn't need to give me gifts? 16 February at 3:20PM edited 16 February at 3:22PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 21 replies 17.6K views

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A couple of years ago my dad and his brother had a falling out, so I've not seen my uncle since, although we do occasionally speak. My uncle is still kind enough to send me money for birthdays and Christmases, despite not being in great shape financially and having two kids of his own. While I appreciate the gesture, I don't need the money and don't want my uncle to struggle any more than he has to, but I'm worried that if I tell him he'll think I'm ungrateful and patronising, or even that I'm trying to cut ties with him. What should I do?

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NBLondon

If the supposed dilemma holder is an adult - they can contact their uncle and use that as an excuse for "you don't really need to do that..."
If they can't bear to do that - find out when the cousin's birthdays are and send the money to them.

Pollycat

You should be able to word things so that your uncle fully understands why you're asking him not to send money to you and therefore doesn't feel that you are ungrateful, patronising or trying to cut ties with him.

Is next week's dilemma going to be

"I've been sending money to my niece/nephew but they've told me to stop.

Are they being ungrateful? Are they being patronising? Are they trying to cut ties with me?"

LOL

Grumpy_chap

How does the OP know what the financial position of the Uncle is?
Just because the Uncle does not choose to have a flashy car, holiday, or whatever there is that the OP's father has but the Uncle does not.  The Uncle may still be sufficiently comfortably off and just choose to spend money in a different way.
Whether the Uncle should keep sending present money is really for the OP's father and Uncle to agree - the OP should just keep a low profile and be grateful and always send a thank you card.

REJP

Act like an adult.  Speak to your Uncle, explain you believe he does not have a good enough income to give you presents and that you appreciate what he has given you in the past.  Keep in regular touch with him and your cousins by phone, email or letters, don't just contact them at Christmas or birthdays.  Tell him he is important to you and that family matters more than presents.  There is a lot to be said for the saying "Don't be a stranger."

Worcester2020

Tell him the best present he can give you is for your uncle to make up with his brother.

Glads

If you want to forgo what your uncle gives you, you could tell him that the best gift he can give you is to spend the money on his children, your cousins. Just telling your uncle not to give you the money may otherwise hurt his pride. 

Oddlyoddlad

As an Uncle who is a little cash short it’s a difficult position, however for me the nieces are young and small gifts are enough. You’re older though and he is sending money so yes you could raise the subject.

My best advice would be to first improve communication with your Uncle. Get to the point where you are talking weekly about whats happened in your week and you’re pals again, then you can bring up the whole giving money thing (DON’T do it by text or email where meanings and reasons can be misinterpreted). When you do bring up the subject a good approach is to go along the lines of “the cards you send are so thoughtful, money really isn’t needed- it’s nice but it’s the card that means the most to me”(assuming the cards are nice, if not change it to “that you remember and think of me”).

I’m known in my family for the cards I send, not my gifts. Anyone can send a card from Moonpig or the like or write a bland, unemotional message (To.... Happy Birthday, Love....) and all they show is 1. You have money, 2. You don’t hold the card in high regard. Where as finding a card that stands out and resonates with a person takes time and energy, which people who lack funds tend to have more of (I know, some don’t). 

You know when you find and send those cards- they’re the ones people keep and cherish, frame, mount, etc.

Louispastrami

Its always dangerous to assume that we know what is best for other people. Its one thing to say something like, "you know you csnt affordvit and I know you cant affiesbut so why are you doing it(or please dont do it), and different to just say " thank you "  the first would seem to be very patronising and arrogant. The other  will never cause offence.

PhilWardle

It seems mad that you are being given gifts from someone who really can't afford to give them. You state that you don't need them as you aren't short off money so that makes the decision easier to make.
When our cousin's/nephews/nieces etc reached the age of 21 we stopped sending gifts and just send cards with good wishes and love. Why not suggest to your uncle that, as you are now an adult, that he stops sending you a present and sends just a card.
It is a difficult situation as you wouldn't want to offend him. However I bet he would be relieved at not having additional expenditure when he can't afford it. 
I hope you solve your dilemma.

hulc

Why not return it later in the year as a present on his birthday?