Partner’s Debt

Daisy_1094

Hi all, 
I’ve only joined the forum - forgive me if I’m writing in the wrong place!   I m could do with some advice about my partner, how I can help him and myself in the future; we’ve been together for a year. 

 Last June, my partner and I searched for a rented place to move in together. While applying, he didn’t want his name to be on the application; I asked why. He said he owed a ‘few thousand pound’ from an bank loan and explained he’d taken it out a few years ago to support his ex-girlfriend and son when they separated, as she migrated here and wasn’t eligible for support at the time to keep up renting a house etc. I thought this wasn’t an issue as we’d work together to organise him paying it off and he told me had a payment plan set up.

I put the apartment in my name as the main tenant and we got the place. We organised who would pay what monthly etc and settled on him paying for internet, gas, electric and water, while I focused on rent/council tax/car/food.

A couple of months ago, his contract expired at the place he worked at. He’s been looking for job and found no luck yet. I’ve been fronting his share of the bills for everything since, by transferring him money to help pay off direct debits he set up for the apartment in his name as well as his own personal outgoings. Whenever I wanted to talk about finances, he’d try to put off the conversation with ‘let’s talk about it later,’ and as he has anxiety and is on medication, I didn’t want to always push or ‘nag on’.

Because I wanted to keep a track of what finances are due to come out, I’ve been opening letters addressed to both of us so I know where I stand in terms of finances: what’s coming out and when.
I opened a letter last week  - it was a letter in my partner’s name from a debt recovery company requesting an update on his situation. I was shocked to discover the amount due was £20,000 to a bank 😔

I love him very much. He has no family to support him and I just want to do my best to help. What can I do to help?

I also feel deflated about the discovery. I’m 26 - my friends are settling down with marriage, mortgages for their first house with their partners etc. I’m not in a rush for those things, but my discovery worries me. He’s 33 and I hoped to start a family in a couple of years. Is it possible to do all of those things I hoped with this person? If so, what are implications?

Thanks everyone for reading!

MerryGoRoundAvoider

There really isn't enough information really. I've got the following questions:
1. Is this the extent of his borrowing, or is there more you haven't seen? This could be the tip of the iceberg. 
2. If he currently paying it? Or is he hiding from payment?
3. Is the loan that you have seen secured or unsecured?
4. Is he telling you the truth? IMO if you're thinking this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, you need to be open and honest with each other. Get the loan terms, APRs, exact amounts owed and sit at a table and talk about it. He might be uncomfortable doing that but for your sake you really need to do this and not bury your head in the sand. 

IMO I'd be very careful about becoming financially linked with someone who has lots of debt. You've got choices and options. I'm not saying leave him, but just be wary that 1 year together can quickly change into many years together and make any action like that harder, especially if you have kids etc. 

madaboutspots

Oh Daisy

So you've been with your partner for about 6 months before he sat back and allowed you to pay the Lion's share of his upkeep. He's fobbed you off, lied to you about his level of debt AND the reasons for it and now he's out of work and not even pretending to pay his way! 

I'm not surprised if he has no family or friends willing to help him out given his character but I'd be wary of believing anything he says at all as he's obviously happy to lie. That's how much he respects you. Do you even know if this ex-girlfriend and son exist? Do you know why at 33 he hasn't got others to help him at all? Is it because his family have disowned him because of lies and perhaps even worse? Is it even true? Do you only have his completely untrustworthy statements for these alleged circumstances?

I'm very sorry to hit you with this but I don't think you know this guy at all and you certainly can't trust him. You need to face the very harsh reality that you both have very different values in life. He doesn't value you or your relationship together if he's so comfortable lying to you about so much. That's not a partnership and there's nothing equal about your relationship. He's toxic. You need to ask your family/friends/co-workers (someone!) for help and moral support. He needs to not live at the place you rent. You need him out of your life - before he takes more from you. Time to face up to the devastating reality that all he's done to date is take and lie. 

You're so very young. Please don't fret about your friends settling down and buying houses - if you want those things you have plenty of time to work to get them - either on your own or with a partner, one that's engaged with your life, committed to your future together. This guy is not the one for you - possibly anyone! Pop the rose tinted glasses on the floor and have a good angry stomp on them and get him out of your life. He's a scrounger and he's playing you. Thank goodness you found out who he is before you got yourself tied in with him financially. 

I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear. I haven't met him but I've been with someone very similar in excuses and dodging responsibility and there are so many on this forum have met similar too. It didn't get better for me or for them, just more lies. That's sadly all people like this know.

Protect yourself. Run for the hills. Talk to someone in your life though, someone you can really trust, who's opinion you really value. You need some support to navigate this and help you stay strong. 

You deserve better. x

JAS2015

Hang on! Not everyone who gets into debt is a scrounger and should be written off as a potential relationship. I got divorced 6 years ago and left that marriage with almost £46k worth of debt. Alot if it run up because I naively trusted my husband and assumed her was making payments etc etc. The whole situation is very embarrassing for me do can well understand why he’s avoided conversations about money.

Does he know that you know about this? What has he said?

Iamdebtfree

When I met my husband in 2004 I was 33 and 30K plus in debt. It took me two years to even disclose the fact of being in debt to him let alone the total sum I owed. Two or three more years to tell him how much - granted, by that time I only had about 15 K outstanding. We'd lived together for years by then.

I'm no monster and I've always worked. We've always supported each other financially. We're comfortable now. He didn't get rid of me when he found out the extent of my debt. For that I'm forever grateful.

20 K  of debt is not mass murder.

Have to say though. .you've moved things too fast, in my opinion. A year together really isn't a long time at all. You've barely even begun to get to know the real him. He isn't your partner yet, at this stage he's your boyfriend. And you're only 26 and already supporting him. 

Don't quite know what to advice apart from the usual sit down and talk and see where it leads you.

madaboutspots

It's not just the getting into debt, it's the "a few thousand" when it's £20k, the not wanting to be on the rental agreement, losing his job and then taking Daisy's hard earned money for debts and "living costs", refusing to even discuss finances. Why has he even got an apartment in his name that he doesn't live in!? If it's for the ex it would make sense for the apartment to be in the ex's name, not his. There are an awful lot of serious issues going on rather than honesty. It's so much more than just the debt. 

My husband was married previously to a gambler with an added shopping addiction for good measure. Came into our relationship with nothing tangible in the way of assets (in his 40's - a broken man) but was never anything other than upfront and honest about everything, despite the absolute humiliation he felt. There are ways of handling these situations that OP's partner isn't demonstrating in any way.....IMO.... I'd love to be wrong, really, but sadly doubt I am. 

madaboutspots

Daisy... I'm going to back off commenting as there's a chance I'm not being very helpful or constructive and you need sensible calm advice right now.

I think others could be right and perhaps I've overreacted. At the moment it's like my own past experience is staring me in the face but it's happening to you. I can feel my panic rising just thinking how you must be feeling and what devastation you're dealing with, with your recent discovery. 

Others are right, it's not mass murder and the least it makes sense to do is hear him out, if he'll talk to you.

I so hope I'm wrong and if I am, I apologise unreservedly for jumping to conclusions. 

I genuinely wish you all the best. Tread carefully and look after yourself - you need to be your primary concern. Please put yourself first. x

CreditCardJunkie

I think you need to step back and evaluate if this is someone you'd really like to have a family with.
Maternity leave is stressful for many families as the woman tends to be on significantly less money. You need to be able to talk about money, work together. Babies are added pressure on a relationship.
Also on the job front, can he really not get a job or can he not get a job he wants? Where I live there are plenty of jobs as a care worker, in call centres and delivery drivers (not always dream jobs, but personally if the bit came to the bit I'd be doing that rather than putting my partner under financial pressure).
Good luck.

nevertoolate21

definitely some holier than thou attitudes on this forum which I personally find disgusting.
Debt can happen, and unfortunately debt can spiral very quickly, what could be quite a small amount of debt can quite quickly affect finances, requiring more debt etc, it becomes a vicious cycle.
It is also a very stressful thing for some people, they don't want to share and become a burden on someone else, often thinking that they will be able to sort it out. The an outsider that will often look stupid, but if you don't convince yourself that you can sort it out then it means all is lost and that is a horrible place to be.

In this country people are more willing to open up about their sex life than their finances, there is something so personal about out finances, especially when they are bad, having bad finances make you a failure, to open up means accepting to the world you are a failure which is tough.

What is important is talking to him, making him aware that you know, but not in a judgemental way. Offer to be there for him, it will be difficult as he will have spent  a lot of his life pretending everything is okay and it will be a default. Find out if there are any underlying issues. I overspent due to my mental health, I would use retail therapy as a way of coping, by realising this and getting help means I have better coping mechanisms.

If he accepts your help and can talk candidly now then you can get through it

enthusiasticsaver

You are helping him already by paying all the bills and his personal expenses.  That is a lot considering you have only been going out together for a year and I would be concerned about this.  Is he making every effort to find work and has he applied for benefits or government support?  I think you need a frank conversation about this if you see this relationship going further.  Even if he has anxiety it is not a good coping mechanism to stick his head in the sand although sadly this is often the default position.  Offer to help him apply for benefits, fill out job applications and do a budget but do not take on his debt for him.

Presumably he is struggling because he is unemployed. Is he making every effort to find work?  What is his plan regarding the defaulted loan?  If it is not secured though there is little they can do and the chances are the interest has stopped if the debt has been sold on to a debt recovery firm.  All he needs to do is write to them telling them he is unemployed and they will write again in about six months or so.  His record will be trashed though so he wont be able to get a mortgage any time soon but you are young so that is not the end of the world.  The main thing is for him to find a job and make a plan for his finances going forward. 

zippygeorgeandben

I wish you luck with this and only you can decide what is right.  Have you spoken to family and friends?  It's important to get a perspective from loved ones, and also a friend who will hopefully give you a balanced view.  I have a friend who 'pulls no punches' and puts the emotion aside, giving me some hard truths I needed to hear.  I think if it wasn't for some advice, I'd be in so much more debt.
The fact that you've posted on here means that you understand that there is an issue which needs addressing.  Has he tried to reduce any of his outgoings?  This excuse about not wanting to discuss finances because of medication doesn't wash with me.  Let us know what's going through your head and we can be hear to help and hopefully help you see the way forward.