Families!

Kit1

Thank you all for your comments and after the way she spoke to me this weekend l think it is time to step back.  Yes l could have put him in a home if it was possible but with things as they stand l thought it was the right thing to do.  I did not do it because l had to do it.  I again thought it was the right thing to do but it appears that this was indeed not the right thing to do in her eyes.  So l am stepping right out of her way and letting my sister take over as many of you have said she is the golden child who should now take care of her aged mother and l wish her luck because she will most definitely need it because my mother is not an easy person to please.  Again thank you all for comments.

Morrigan_2020

Your sister is under no obligation to care for your mother either, nobody has to if they don't want to.  

pollypenny

Kitt, look after yourself now. You know you did your best for your mum and stepdad.  Let your sister do her bit next, because there is bound to be a 'next time'.  

Pollycat

I'm not convinced your sister will "step up and take over" unless she has actually said she will.

And you - or anybody else - should not expect her to.

Or it may be that she will welcome you taking a step back so she can do more for your Mum.

Be prepared to be blamed for whatever comes next.

My sister is most definitely the 'golden child'.

I'm OK with that and have always been OK with it. I understand why.

There's a big age gap between us, I left home just turned 20, she lived at home until her late 20s.

She has children (= grandchildren). I don't.

We are in very different financial circumstances and has needed help. I never have.

My sister and I have always worked well together regarding our parents, she giving the practical care, me doing the finance/organisation stuff.

But I wouldn't let anyone express ingratitude towards me, regardless of the relationship.

Some people might say 'but she's your Mum'.

I've read enough horror stories about Mothers on here to convince me that there's some pretty nasty, ungrateful, narcissistic ones about and the title 'Mum' shouldn't mean they can treat you as a doormat.

Lavender13

I don't normally write posts but as they say there is a first time for everything.

Not sure really where to begin but l will try.  My Mum was recently admitted to hospital so l stayed at her house for almost two weeks to look after my Stepdad who has dementia and l thought it was best to keep him in his own home. 

Changing routine and environment of a person living with dementia can have a negative effect on their well being Your support put his needs firmly in the forefront and will have reduced the potential negative effects on his well-being.

I asked my sister several times to help but she never lifted a finger except to call me Mum several times during her last five days in hospital which according to the way my Mum sees it was the best thing every and it was wonderful to hear from her. 

It would seem, you asked for help, but didn’t get the help you hoped for. Were you specific in what sort of help you needed from your sister? As she may have thought by giving mum emotional support it would assist mum to become better sooner, and therefore helping you all.

I cooked and cleaned her home every day, did a month’s washing and ironing, made sure he had his pills, made phone calls to the hospital every day, spoke to her several times a day and so much more but it seems that that one call a day make her day.

It is hard work caring for a home and a person living with dementia, which both you and your mum have experience. Could it be that mum felt guilty that you were doing so much, and her chats with your sister were a time when she did not focus on that, thus relieving some of the guilt? I wonder what mum is saying to your sister about your help and support.

We picked her up from hospital last night when she was discharged and once she was settled and said she didn't need us as she was on the mend and could do everything for herself and we could go (yes it was like being dismissed) we went home.

Relieving you of your caring role, as she would be aware of the amount you have done for her and the importance of you returning to your own home.

Anyway l called her this morning to be told that l should have put my Stepdad in a home and not taken time off work to look after him, he had been lonely because he didn't have anyone to talk to even thought l was there all day every day and my OH visited every evening.

He may have been expressing that he missed her but was unable to express it properly because of the dementia, rather than he was lonely in your company.

Then she asked me if myself or my OH had thrown away some of her things which we hadn't and moaned about other things  and not once did she say Thanks for what you have done.  Not that that was the reason l did it. 

Mum has been ill and is readjusting to the full-time care of her husband which is potentially stressful following a stay in hospital.  You have taken care of him and the home whilst mum was away which is emotionally and physically tiring on you.You both have dealt with a difficult time.

Then she said my sister and her work friend were visiting tomorrow on their way home from work so everything was good and l didn't need to worry.

Perhaps she is trying to reduce some of the pressure for you, saying that they are coming to visit.

At the moment l don't know whether to scream or cry.  It always seems that the less the rest of the family do the more she thinks of them.  Sorry for the moan l just needed to tell someone.

You have selflessly taken on the role of caring for someone living with dementia in a different household, this is an emotionally and physically tiring role to undertake. Don’t underestimate the stress that may have put you under . Please take some time out to care for your own well being now.

 Thank you so much for helping and caring for someone who was unable to care for themselves.