Families!

Kit1

Hi
I don't normally write posts but as they say there is a first time for everything.
Not sure really where to begin but l will try.  My Mum was recently admitted to hospital so l stayed at her house for almost two weeks to look after my Stepdad who has dementia and l thought it was best to keep him in his own home.  I asked my sister several times to help but she never lifted a finger except to call me Mum several times during her last five days in hospital which according to the way my Mum sees it was the best thing every and it was wonderful to hear from her.  I cooked and cleaned her home every day, did a months washing and ironing, made sure he had his pills, made phone calls to the hospital every day, spoke to her several times a day and so much more but it seems that that one call a day make her day.  We picked her up from hospital last night when she was discharged and once she was settled and said she didn't need us as she was on the mend and could do everything for herself and we could go (yes it was like being dismissed) we went home.  
Anyway l called her this morning to be told that l should have put my Stepdad in a home and not taken time off work to look after him, he had been lonely because he didn't have anyone to talk to even thought l was there all day every day and my OH visited every evening.  Then she asked me if myself or my OH had thrown away some of her things which we hadn't and moaned about other things  and not once did she say Thanks for what you have done.  Not that that was the reason l did it.  Then she said my sister and her work friend were visiting tomorrow on their way home from work so everything was good and l didn't need to worry.
At the moment l don't know whether to scream or cry.  It always seems that the less the rest of the family do the more she thinks of them.  Sorry for the moan l just needed to tell someone.

Claddagh_Noir

Kit1 said:

Hi
I don't normally write posts but as they say there is a first time for everything.
Not sure really where to begin but l will try.  My Mum was recently admitted to hospital so l stayed at her house for almost two weeks to look after my Stepdad who has dementia and l thought it was best to keep him in his own home.  I asked my sister several times to help but she never lifted a finger except to call me Mum several times during her last five days in hospital which according to the way my Mum sees it was the best thing every and it was wonderful to hear from her.  I cooked and cleaned her home every day, did a months washing and ironing, made sure he had his pills, made phone calls to the hospital every day, spoke to her several times a day and so much more but it seems that that one call a day make her day.  We picked her up from hospital last night when she was discharged and once she was settled and said she didn't need us as she was on the mend and could do everything for herself and we could go (yes it was like being dismissed) we went home.  
Anyway l called her this morning to be told that l should have put my Stepdad in a home and not taken time off work to look after him, he had been lonely because he didn't have anyone to talk to even thought l was there all day every day and my OH visited every evening.  Then she asked me if myself or my OH had thrown away some of her things which we hadn't and moaned about other things  and not once did she say Thanks for what you have done.  Not that that was the reason l did it.  Then she said my sister and her work friend were visiting tomorrow on their way home from work so everything was good and l didn't need to worry.
At the moment l don't know whether to scream or cry.  It always seems that the less the rest of the family do the more she thinks of them.  Sorry for the moan l just needed to tell someone.

Hi Kit1, 
Didn't want to read and run. Your last paragraph is close to home because my father-in-law went through something similar. Because he hardly sees his own family, when his mum  was hospitalised and all the kids rallied around, the mum was made up to see him because he lives his own life and the other kids are around mum all the time. 

Racky_Roo

Should your sister be visiting, let alone with a friend when we're in lockdown?
Aside from that, it's common in families one child is treated differently, frustrating for you but life. Maybe take a step back and let your sister pick up the slack for a while as she's going to be visiting anyway

kayleighali

Racky_Roo said:

Should your sister be visiting, let alone with a friend when we're in lockdown?
Aside from that, it's common in families one child is treated differently, frustrating for you but life. Maybe take a step back and let your sister pick up the slack for a while as she's going to be visiting anyway

THIS!!! Your sister should not be visiting and neither should the friend (not sure whether it's your sister's friend or your mother's work friend). I understand that people want to visit their families but the longer people continue to visit each other, the longer this goes on for. That may seem harsh and heartless but it's the situation we are in.

I lost my mum in Feb 2020 and I have really missed seeing the rest of my family this year, but I have done so to keep them safe.

Flugelhorn

this is such a problem - one member of a family running themself ragged doing what they think is right and then the only thing that really matters is the occasional phone call from the prodigal.
I would let them get on with it now - if sister is visiting then best that you don't - she can manage the bubble etc 

74jax

If your sister is visiting it at least takes the pressure off you, you can't visit so you're off the hook. 

I did everything for mam, down to paying bills, but still my brother was the golden child. My brother and I have a very good relationship and even he would laugh with me over it. We never understood her reasoning. 

Pollycat

74jax said:

If your sister is visiting it at least takes the pressure off you, you can't visit so you're off the hook. 

I did everything for mam, down to paying bills, but still my brother was the golden child. My brother and I have a very good relationship and even he would laugh with me over it. We never understood her reasoning. 

The phrase in bold resonates with me.
My friend experienced this. She was the forgotten child.
No matter how much she did for her parents, the golden child came first.
You can't change how your Mum treats you but you can change how you let it affect you.
I would do as another poster suggests and take a step back.
Your Mum might not notice your absence but at least it should reduce the resentment you feel about being taken for granted.

jennystarpepper

As others have said about the 'golden child', this happens all the time, but is very unfair to those like you who are on the receiving end.  

As suggested, take a step back and re read what you have said should something like this happen in the future.  I think you could lay golden eggs and it would still go unnoticed.  Maybe you should tell your sister to 'step-up next time' and remind her it's her turn?

They don't deserve you. 

Morrigan_2020

I completely understand the hurt you feel, I would feel just the same.  However everything you did while your mum was in hospital was entirely your choice, you were under no obligation to do any of it at all.  Maybe next time you will make a different choice? 

CreditCardJunkie

Sorry to hear of your stress. Could it be your mum is obviously unwell herself and is worried about having to look after your stepdad at home when she isn't 100% herself?

elsien

Your mum is not being realistic or fair. 

It’s really not as straightforward as just “putting” someone in a home for an indeterminate length of time.
Under normal circumstances there would be finding somewhere suitable at short notice, plus the query as to how it would be financed.
And we are not in normal times. Some homes are not accepting new residents and the rest are making people isolate. He’d most likely have had to stay in one room in a unfamiliar surroundings in his own for the duration. 

Maybe she’s so used to coping and just getting through that it’s hard for her to see someone else going in and managing fine. That’s no excuse at all for not showing appreciation but people can be selfish when they are stressed or unwell.
 

Decide what you are willing and able to do in future, then do it for yourself not for her. That way, any ingratitude won’t rankle as much.