New partner / Groceries!

Rosa_Damascena

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

He won't cook (been a fair few discussions on this!) He can cook, but he would sooner not. It winds me up occasionally.... When he's at work, I don't mind cooking (he doesn't get in until late, I finish at 4 so makes sense for me to cook) but even on his days off he won't. He's currently furloughed, the only thing he's found in the kitchen is the kettle lol it's annoying because I'm still working (from home) so there's been discussions about it. In his 'previous' life (with his ex wife) they shopped at waitrose, didn't budget/meal plan and thought nothing of spending £150+ a week on just them 2 - I don't think he knows HOW to cook cheaply. 

I'm not usually resentful, it's been a long week ☹️ I've edited it because I realised I was being a cow lol 

I'll look at the nigella recipe, thanks for the tip! 

You have found yourself a one stubborn man. Think carefully.

Floss

Even without his special Lucozade, his Graze & beers are £40 a month. Playing devil's advocate here - maybe you should suggest he buys his treats himself and not from the household housekeeping pot.

I may get shot down, but why not suggest he tries one of the cookery boxes like Gousto? It may encourage him to cook a little. Does he have any input into shopping? Maybe his furlough time could be used for him to do the weekly shop, with a list that is not to be varied from?

MandM90

Is he paying all the extra then? Red flags for me here with the attitude to early on, but I know that's not what the threads about.

Pollycat

MandM90 said:

Is he paying all the extra then? Red flags for me here with the attitude to early on, but I know that's not what the threads about.

Me too.

Especially this bit:

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

He won't cook (been a fair few discussions on this!) He can cook, but he would sooner not. It winds me up occasionally.... When he's at work, I don't mind cooking (he doesn't get in until late, I finish at 4 so makes sense for me to cook) but even on his days off he won't. He's currently furloughed, the only thing he's found in the kitchen is the kettle

Someone who is furloughed should be stepping up and doing the cooking - especially when he is capable.

What did he do for food before he moved in with you?

Rosa_Damascena said:

You have found yourself a one stubborn man. Think carefully.

Very carefully.

maman

It could be that OP is so used to lliving frugally that she just finds it hard to spend all this extra money unnecessariiy. All of us on mse know that it's possible to eat far more cheaply than many do. Someone must be buying all their food at Waitrose! 🤣

If the boyfriend is contributing sufficient extra money to the household budget  to indulge his expensive tastes  then I don't see a financial issue. 

What is a red flag for me is that maybe they can't afford it and he's doing it anyway or maybe they can and she's finding the unneccesary waste uncomfortable. Different attitudes to  money are an all too common minefield in a relationship. 

Slinky

So if you weren't around to cook, he'd starve rather than cook for himself would he?  Sounds like you are staff.

RobM99

Ever seen a TV show "Secret Eaters"?  Well worth a watch.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Ahh I typed a reply then hit '2nd page' and the reply disappeared! Start again ! 

I'll try and answer all points but I may miss some as I'm on my mobile 

I've looked for lucazade on offer/bulk but haven't found any yet, I'm limiting how often I shop so I may be missing them. Online has always worked out too expensive. Once I've found it on offer, I'll bulk buy 

Graze isn't £40, it's just under £15 for 6 share bags. I then pop them into a small snack box so he doesn't eat the whole packet lol 1 share bag usually lasts 3/4 days so it does cover the month. 

Yep he's definitely stubborn, but then so can I be lol 

He actually did (at the beginning) suggest gousto, in all honesty it's me who doesn't think they're worth the money. I always meal plan and ask what he would like to have, it gets incorporated into the meal plan. I then do the list. At the moment (with covid) just I go shopping (he doesn't drive) but before when I have taken him, things have fallen into the basket that aren't on the list 😂

The shopping bill is 50/50 so he does pay more than 'his' share. That's partly why I haven't grumbled about the cost of the nuts/lucazade to him

When he lived alone he rarely cooked and lived off takeaways or just grabbed something quick/easy like a meal deal sandwich

It's not that we NEED to reduce the cost of the food, I just didn't expect it to double for one person and was shocked. I wasn't sure whether reasonable, I've been living on my own (well with the kids!) For a number of years so a bit out of touch with cost for cooking for 4. 

I don't mind cooking to some extent, there are on going discussions about it at the moment as I definitely think he should be doing some!

Thanks for the replies 

C_J

How have you sorted out your finances, mimi? If he is contributing the extra £200 per month into the groceries budget, then he probably feels entitled to have his Lucozade/Graze/Beer treats. But if you are trying to pare back what you spend on yourself and your children to accommodate the extra spends on his treats out of your own money, then no wonder you are a bit resentful.

I'd suggest sitting down together and drawing up a budget so that he knows how much needs to be spent in an average month for all of you, and then working out between you how much you each contribute towards it.

My heart used to sink when Mister CJ decided he wanted to come supermarket shopping with me, because he would load the trolley up with things he fancied - sometimes several motorbike or Land Rover magazines at £5 each, expensive snacks, half a dozen bottles of beer etc - without a second thought, and then he would get cross because I became stressed about it. We solved this very early on in our relationship by separating out the purchases at the checkout, so that he could pay for his own "extras" shopping. It was awkward at the very beginning, but he soon understood that I was working to a household budget which didn't have a bottomless purse and we still do this now (35 years later).

It would be a worthwhile exercise to talk all of this through with him, so that you don't feel resentful and he gets a better understanding of your perspective. These types of conversations are best addressed in the early days of living together; it's never wise to put off talking about the fundamentals.

Rosa_Damascena

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel said:

Ahh I typed a reply then hit '2nd page' and the reply disappeared! Start again ! 

I'll try and answer all points but I may miss some as I'm on my mobile 

I've looked for lucazade on offer/bulk but haven't found any yet, I'm limiting how often I shop so I may be missing them. Online has always worked out too expensive. Once I've found it on offer, I'll bulk buy 

Graze isn't £40, it's just under £15 for 6 share bags. I then pop them into a small snack box so he doesn't eat the whole packet lol 1 share bag usually lasts 3/4 days so it does cover the month. 

Yep he's definitely stubborn, but then so can I be lol 

He actually did (at the beginning) suggest gousto, in all honesty it's me who doesn't think they're worth the money. I always meal plan and ask what he would like to have, it gets incorporated into the meal plan. I then do the list. At the moment (with covid) just I go shopping (he doesn't drive) but before when I have taken him, things have fallen into the basket that aren't on the list 😂

The shopping bill is 50/50 so he does pay more than 'his' share. That's partly why I haven't grumbled about the cost of the nuts/lucazade to him

When he lived alone he rarely cooked and lived off takeaways or just grabbed something quick/easy like a meal deal sandwich

It's not that we NEED to reduce the cost of the food, I just didn't expect it to double for one person and was shocked. I wasn't sure whether reasonable, I've been living on my own (well with the kids!) For a number of years so a bit out of touch with cost for cooking for 4. 

I don't mind cooking to some extent, there are on going discussions about it at the moment as I definitely think he should be doing some!

Thanks for the replies 

Well if its not a dealbreaker accept it now and resolve to forever hold your tongue. If it bothers you even a slightly bit now it will turn into an ongoing resentment should times get tough.