Claiming back my life after trauma

One_day_at_a_time_after_abuse

Well, I've been meaning to start a diary for some time. I've been a long time lurker but have set up a new account to maintain my privacy following the worst year of my life. I have goals in mind both financial and personal for 2021, wanting to hold myself accountable and move on our recovery for myself and 7 year old son.

Well for a bit of a back story, I was with my husband for 8 and a half years, and unknown to me at the time was experiencing horrendous abuse. As a result I have now developed anxiety, depression and PTSD. Alongside the abuse, I aided my ex meeting his birth family post adoption and the worst thing possible could've happened. On Monday we will know the outcome for his charges on child grooming and abuse to his younger sister. As you can tell its already an incredibly difficult and confusing time for the wee dude and I.

I am trying to navigate through single parenthood, own finances, recovering the house from the damage he caused, working in the NHS protecting other people's children from abuse full time, trying to become debt free and actually find myself after the years of torture I have endured. I am also in the process of trying to sort the divorce and reclaim my life back. I just want to feel happy and like me again.

I've always wanted to keep a diary to try and focus my thoughts. I struggle a lot on a day to day basis, but with Mondays decision looming and returning to work in 27 days after a few months off I want to take a boot up my bum and reclaim back my life. 

I plan on documenting my SOA, debt balances and goals later on today.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate any help or advice on this journey. I'm hoping 2021 will be the year I find 'me' again.

One Day x

SuperSavingD

Omg you have been through so much.  Wishing you happier times ahead.  Good luck with the debt busting x

RelievedSheff

As the saying goes. Things can only get better. Well done on deciding to take control.

Misslayed

Didn't want to read and run, I hope you find the inner strength you need to get through this. 

Karonher

Good luck with getting everything sorted.

One_day_at_a_time_after_abuse

Now here we go... 
Rough SOA, I do monthly pots and budgets for everything due to my financial anxiety. 

Ingoings: Total £2424.20 pm min
Salary £2300 min pm (excess goes into holiday pot from travel expenses) 
£84.20 Child benefit (into EF)
£40 Brother (covers house insurance as I store very expensive artwork for him, refused to take money just asked for him to have it insured)

Outgoings: Total £2304.20 pm
Bills £720 pm (including mortgage etc, everything is on the absolute lowest contract possible) 
Debt £720 pm
EF £184.20
House Pot (roof leaks etc) £100
Savings £100
Presents £100
Fuel £160
Shopping £120
Treats £100

Now into January my bills will reduce to £700 max and debts minimum payments to £340 as I plan to pay my car and HMRC debts off to save roughly £283 pm. Will update my SOA in January but I'll have roughly £520pm left for extra payments plus anything that I can squirrel away.

Now the scary bit. The debts 🙈

Car: £1123.69 (0%, final payment Mar'21)
Kitchen: £6032.88 (0% at £215.46 pm) 
Loan: £7061.68 (? % at £121.80 pm) 
HMRC: £660 (0% £60pm)
CC 1: £6034.13 (0% til 03/22)
CC 2: £5846.60 (0% til 09/21)
CC 3: £2300 (0% til 09/21)
Total: £29058.98

Now most debt is due to trying to fix damage in the house caused by my ex. It was quite significant but I needed the fresh start and space. 

I do have some savings which I plan to continue to build and use if necessary
EF: £359.20/£5000 goal
House: £380.09/£3000 goal
Savings: £100/£20k dream home deposit) 
Holidays: £404 (saving to take wee dude to Lapland) 
Presents: £80.72 (done most Xmas shopping already) 
Clothes: £51
Pets: £51/£2000 goal
Divorce: £0/£750
Total: £1426.01

I understand its a bit confusing but having the pots makes me stick in budget for certain expenses and have something to fall back on. I also need to save £750 for solicitor fees for my divorce too.

Itd be a massive goal to become debt free by the time I turn 30 (roughly 18 months to go) I know it's a big goal but God, why not try if I've managed to get through the last year!! 

Thanks for the replies and wishes so far, hopefully this keeps me accountable.

One Day x

One_day_at_a_time_after_abuse

Checking in for they day!

I went to work to arrange my phased return so I go back on 18th November. My team have been incredibly accommodating after I needed some time off to process which I'm super grateful for.

A colleague trained in Reiki also gave me a session today which was lovely and actually quite calming. She is hoping to do them regularly for me while I heal.

Low spend at £5.99 today for some essentials but I've made a fiver on a local sales page. Due to list some more stuff to sell online at the weekend.

My brother and I are starting as close to a no spending challenge on unessentials in the next year. I start November 1st and he the month after. Everything has been allocated out so I'm looking forward to the challenge and beating down this debt!

Hope everyone reading is well and take care. 

One Day x

curtains174

Sounds like you’ve had a horrendous time, wishing you well on your new journey. 

One_day_at_a_time_after_abuse

So there's 24 hours until the verdict. I'm going to spend the day with my mum, niece and wee dude going to a castle with Halloween activities and pumpkin patch for a nice distraction. 

Yesterday was a NSD, today should be quite low as its £5 entry for adults, kids free and I plan on taking some snacks.

My minimal spend challenge starts a week today so I am all set up and ready to go. Until January, I plan to use up food etc in the house, so have allocated £60/month food spends and £20/month for the pets. Luckily they're not fussy and food doesn't cost us much anyway. My amounts are withdrawn already and separated into different sections of my purse. Anything leftover each month with go in the jar, alongside any money I can make decluttering which will get paid off the smallest CC as I'm trying to tackle one at a time to reduce the number of outgoings.

I won an award at uni this year when completing my masters due to managing to get through my course with all the adversities. I should receive my certificate/trophy soon and found out there's a money prize too so I plan to keep this aside and buy something as a keepsake.

Only thing I can't decide yet is whether to purchase a mutlipack of diamond art sets I have been getting into. I can get 6 for £15 that would probably last me a good few months. I lost all my hobbies due to the ex so have been finding things to do, and this allows me to sit and have some mindfulness when switching off so I've been enjoying it so far.

Hope everyone has a great day. I do love autumn. 

One Day x

tryingtodobetter

It sounds like things have been horrendous for you    I admire your strength and determination.

The trip to the castle sounds fab and very frugal too, I hope you all enjoy it and it distracts you from everything else going on. 
Your no spend challenge sounds great and it's great that your brother is doing it to, things like this are always easier if someone else is doing it along side you.

Hope you have a lovely day. I love autumn too (although not with too much rain  )

One_day_at_a_time_after_abuse

Thank you for all the comments so far, I really appreciate it. It's been a horrendous year but today the verdict was finally out. 

So, after everything he has done, he will be on the offenders register for only 2 years, no prison time, roughly 3 weeks of community service and has to attend a training course. Hardly seems fair. Unfortunately due to my emotional avoidance at the moment I haven't really felt anything since the news. I really did think I may cry or atleast have some reaction. But it is what it is I guess. 

Only 6 days til the spending freeze. Payday on Thursday and everything has been allocated into budgets and debt repayments. Was taken out for a lovely lunch with my mum, dad and brother while the wee dude was at school. 

Tomorrow we are going for cake, and I plan to make a food plan for November with what I have in, create a shopping list, wrap Cmas presents I've already bought and write a list of what's left to purchase which will come out of the presents pot. 

For tonight, I have my favourite bedsheets on, plan to do a bit of crafting and just switch off. 

I made a new rule starting today that I only allow proper big cleaning to be done on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays in the bid to stop me feeling so overwhelmed and focus on relaxing and spending time with my favourite human. I'm super organised and a list helps keep me feel in control, something that was taken away from me for years. I find writing all this down really therapeutic and a lovely end to reflect in my day. 

Take care, hopefully everyone is staying safe and well. One Day x