Burning Bridges

LoveSauce

Are they your "friends" if they only contact you when they have no one else around, or when they need something from you? 
Have  a long time friend 11years (high school to now). I'm always the one checking in, asking how he's doing/what he's up to. 

Months can go by without a text from him. When I offer to go and see him, I joke around and say you never text me. 

If we do meet, he'd be with his other friends. Now, I don't mind them, but all they seem to do is bond over weed and alcohol. I do neither, so we have drifted apart,and quite often left alone whilst they get high.

But thats fine. It's just that if you ARE close friends with someone, they would be in your thoughts and you would at least take 10 seconds out of your day to send a text message. That's what bothers me. 

I have given him so much of my energy trying to keep him on the right path. He wouldnt have the job he has (and keep it), nor would he be living in my city, without my advice. I'm just exhausted from this one sided friendship. 

He hardly works anymore, would rather get drunk/high. He's a few bad months away from homelessness. And I honestly feel just because he has me (who owns his own house) that I'm some sort of contingency plan. 

Hell would have to freeze over before I let him stay with me.

Also just changed my Netflix password. Its nearly been a month since we last spoke (I initiated). If he contacts me about the password, then it confirms his intentions. If he doesn't contact me, we'll.. I guess he gets the message. 

Anyone with similar stories or advice? 

MovingForwards

You see this friendship as something your friend doesn't. People change as they grow older, so why spend time and energy on something that isn't give and take, only take.

jackieblack

My best friend and I have been friends for over 40 years, since our first day at high school. Sometimes we go a few weeks without communicating and usually only meet up a handful of times a year as we’re both busy and have our own family commitments. The important thing is that we both know that if either of us needed the other, we’d be there for them. That’s what friendship is.

I don’t understand this expecting a text every day business (sounds very needy). But the truth is that all relationships change as people evolve and change.  Not all friendships last forever. That’s perfectly natural and normal.

Pollycat

Some people are friends, some people are users.

I don't understand the expectation of texts every day either.

Sometimes me and my sister - we are very close - go a while without contact.

Maybe he thinks you are a bit needy and is trying to distance himself from you.

I don't understand the Netflix password thing - but I don't do Netflix.

Emmia

Honestly, stop contacting him/initiating contact & stop trying to fix his life for him (delete his contact details and all messages from your phone if necessary) - if he screws up with the drink/drugs or becomes homeless it's on him, but even in that situation I'd be surprised if he gets in touch. 

*If I were him I'd change my number, or block yours.

Whilst you clearly don't approve of some of his his life choices, you can't live his life for him - live your life.

Once you may have been close, but at some point the road you were both on, forked and he chose to go one way and you the other - it's life and it happens. 

Also, Netflix isnt that pricey, so he probably has his own account, if he watches it at all.

nora_nora

Yes, i had a friendship like this for 10 years. It was always me doing all the work, making all the calls etc & deep down i knew it was one sided and only existed as a friendship because i made all the effort. He would never instigate contact and would get upset if i didn't call him for a while, but never actually contacted me.

Eventually i just thought you know what? I'm done here. I'm tired of making all the contact. So i stopped doing all the work & the 'friendship' fizzled out very quickly afterwards. The lesson i learned was it was never true friendship anyway as there was no mutual balance in the contact all along.

Not something i can say i ever repeated.  I think you need to ask yourself why you're really doing it. Sounds more like you want someone to 'save' than a friend.

DCFC79

I agree with the others, put your energy into something else.

LoveSauce

I’m sorry if you guys got the impression I needed to be texted every day. I meant IM always the one checking in on him if we haven’t spoken in a couple months. Hence “he doesn’t take 10 seconds out of his day to send me a message”. 

I do try and wait for HIM to call me/text me. But when it gets too long, I see if he’s alright.

nora_nora

LoveSauce said:

I’m sorry if you guys got the impression I needed to be texted every day. I meant IM always the one checking in on him if we haven’t spoken in a couple months. Hence “he doesn’t take 10 seconds out of his day to send me a message”. 

I do try and wait for HIM to call me/text me. But when it gets too long, I see if he’s alright.

But if you're honest with yourself you must be able to see this situation has become a rut? It's pretty clear he doesn't worry about you enough to check if you are alright. It's not about you needed to be texted every day, it's about the overall situation & what you describe about being sidelined while the rest of his circle get smashed on weed doesn't describe a friendship to me. It sounds like you want to be there more than he needs you around.

AskAsk

people grow apart over the years and it seems to be the case with you.  you don't have anything in common any more so your friendship has deteriorated.  you can still be friends with him, but not a close friend like you used to be.  you need to find new friends who have things in common with you and keep in touch with him every now and then to find out how he's doing.

Slinky

Friendship will often fall into one of 3 categories. A reason, a season or a lifetime.