Rational/Irrational fear about children

fairyclairethehare

I'm not sure the title is right for this topic but not sure what else to call it. Also not my normal profile as I stupidly feel uncomfortable saying this under my "real name"
So as most parents I've always worried about my children, but my eldest is now approaching 17 and at times the fear I feel really seems to dominate my thoughts. 
This is down to my Husband encouraging my Son to ride a motorcycle. My Husband bought his own first small bike this year, and my Son's been practicing in the garden. 
I feel fine watching my Son in the garden, but I absolutely hate the idea of him out on the roads. It's like a big burning horrible thing in my chest and then makes me really off with my Husband.
Heaven forbid anything happens to my Son on a bike, but I know I'd blame my Husband, and I'm sure would always hold it against him. And the thought of my Son being hurt is just too much to bear. 
I'm not an irrational person, I'm usually a "normal" logical person but this is really eating me up not all the time but today as we've been talking about his CBT - I'm secretly hoping he fails. Awful I know!! 
We've always tried to encourage the children to be independent, and try different things they've done Duke of Edinburgh, Ten Tors etc. But my Son has never been a thrill seeker, would not do fair rides or enjoy theme parks and the like. Though he has done gliding and scuba diving. 
I have told them I'm not happy about the bikes, but it's just brushed off. I know I haven't got much of a choice especially once he turns 18. 
And I do want him to enjoy life I'd rather just rather not feel like this.
I'm hoping it's just normal and it's a case of people not talking about how much they worry. 
So not sure it's an answer or just assurance or even the number of a good head doctor :-) but thanks for reading 

JGB1955

I think it's normal - I would be worried sick too.  Sorry - that doesn't help you one bit.  Is there some way of 'encouraging' him on to the next stage (as I see it) of car ownership instead?  Sadly, I have to report that you are still likely to spend late evenings, lying in bed, waiting for the sound of the car coming back up the road.  That's parenthood though......  You have to let go at some stage... perhaps now is the time to start? 

Aranyani

It’s not an irrational fear, motorbikes are really dangerous, I hope your husband is also pushing him to be a safe rider. 

zagfles

It's not really an irrational fear, riding a motorbike can be dangerous, but to get it into some context, riding a horse is 20 times as dangerous according to this BBC article http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2007/03_march/23/riding.shtml

"While you can expect to have a serious motorbike accident once in every 7,000 hours, a serious riding accident happens once in every 350 hours."
I know a few riders of both horses and motorbikes and three of the horse riders have had very serious injuries, one almost resulting in death, and the other two requiring hospitalisation (broken hip, collapsed lung). They did nothing wrong, the horse acted unpredicably as animals sometimes will. I know one motorcyclist who had a bad injury and his walking is affected, but to be quite frank he was a bit of a loony on the road, it was entirely his fault.

It really depends how sensible he is, some motorcyclists are idiots, sensible ones are vunerable too obviously but less so, so if you can't stop his riding then at least try to convince him to ride sensibly and not do stupid stuff.

fairyclairethehare

Thank you for your replies, my Husband is a safe rider, he's not into the race replicas but likes the old classic bikes, so much slower and sedate way of biking. 
My Son is reading the highway code and doing theory test practice on the computer. I will.of course be buying the safest equipment I can for him. As I said he is really not a thrill seeker and we always joke he was born middle aged, he has a very wise and old head on his shoulders. 
My Son wants to join the armed forces in two years time so I do really need to learn to relax about him more. But I do think you spend their whole life teaching them to be strong independent people and forget about preparing yourself. 
My Dad was into bikes when he was younger, my Uncle is in his 70's and still rides big powerful bikes and goes far too fast, my cousins all have bikes and been safe so I know they can be perfectly safe for riders. 
Agree with the horses, I saw the man come off at trooping the colour last year, was right in front of me I thought he was dead he went such a peculiar colour.

sheramber

Make sure he takes an advanced driver course once he passes his test

Savvy_Sue

sheramber said:

Make sure he takes an advanced driver course once he passes his test

This: Google what's available in your area. 

Plus the fear's not really rational (you've said he's sensible rather than a boy racer!): it could be very helpful to find someone to talk it through with, and I'd start trying to do that now rather than after he's joined the Armed Forces. 

Mind you, I was always OK with mine once they weren't coming home: while they were still under my roof, I wanted them home, safe, before I went to sleep (didn't always manage it!) My mum was the same, she said she didn't worry about us when we weren't home (and one of my siblings was in the armed forces!) 

burlingtonfl6

zagfles said:

It's not really an irrational fear, riding a motorbike can be dangerous, but to get it into some context, riding a horse is 20 times as dangerous according to this BBC article http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2007/03_march/23/riding.shtml

"While you can expect to have a serious motorbike accident once in every 7,000 hours, a serious riding accident happens once in every 350 hours."
I know a few riders of both horses and motorbikes and three of the horse riders have had very serious injuries, one almost resulting in death, and the other two requiring hospitalisation (broken hip, collapsed lung). They did nothing wrong, the horse acted unpredicably as animals sometimes will. I know one motorcyclist who had a bad injury and his walking is affected, but to be quite frank he was a bit of a loony on the road, it was entirely his fault.

It really depends how sensible he is, some motorcyclists are idiots, sensible ones are vunerable too obviously but less so, so if you can't stop his riding then at least try to convince him to ride sensibly and not do stupid stuff.

Horses are far more dangerous, costly and time consuming but many people happily plonk their small child on one and pay for riding lessons. 

lincroft1710

You can be the safest biker on the road, but it only takes a minor lapse of concentration by another road user........

MalMonroe

I really feel for you and don't think your fear is irrational at all. I think motor bikes are nothing but death machines. One of my best friends is still broken-hearted because her brother was killed riding his motorbike last year. He wasn't a teenager, he was 43 and an experienced, very safe biker, similar to your husband. The accident wasn't his fault but he isn't here any more and whose fault it is just doesn't matter because his family will never see him again. They all continue to be devastated and they will never recover properly. 

Sadly, most 17 year olds believe they are immortal. He'd be much better off in a car. . .  

We do have to let our children go but honestly, if mine were on bikes, I would not be able to rest. Ever.

My Dad had some lovely motor bikes when I was young, he always came home safe but the roads weren't as busy then. After a while he decided we may all benefit from his motorbiking skill if he cashed in his gorgeous Triumph for a motorbike and sidecar. We had such fun in that! And my Mum always felt it was safer than a solo. But cars are much safer and also you don't get so wet in a car.

unforeseen

As a teenager I kept asking for a bike. Mother was dead set against it as she was an A&E nurse. Eventually, with the help of my father she agreed. So I had my moped (I was only 16) and happily using it to see my nan who lived 7 miles away.
One day I found out the hard way that trying to do a wheelie and turn at the same time was not a good idea. I ended up breaking my collar bone. That moped never appeared at our house again and it was never talked about. I never did ask about getting another bike.