First Steps to Solvency

MidsHollie

Like @theoretica, I have some empathy for your wife. 

She is probably a long way behind you on the learning curve. You’ve had months or years of some level of financial stress that she just hasn’t been exposed to, so don’t expect her to jump on board and do as well as, or better than you at this, immediately. I am 100% in control of my own finances and budget and yet I still regularly go off plan. I think you need to lower your expectations of her a little. 

Your situation has reminded me of some leadership training I did, where they said that the most important person in a leadership situation was the first follower. You wont be able to make your wife follow your ethos, she has to want to, and that will involve educating her, learning together and modelling the behaviour change. 

But, having said that, your wife seems to want some old fashioned experience of being a kept woman. And historically, kept women had ‘housekeeping’ money. As has been suggested, perhaps you need to transfer the agreed and planned amount for household items that are her responsibility to buy, eg groceries, fuel for her car etc, and her own personal spends to a separate account. And when it’s gone, it’s gone. I’d suggest doing this weekly, to give her more time to practice, and for the consequences not to be as dire. And follow through with that. No top ups. No credit card. Nothing. I do that to myself sometimes, and I find myself eating the most random combos of cupboard left overs, but it flexes a financial muscle that people with the privilege of having a steady, reliable and reasonable income don’t often have to flex

PassElephant

The only thing that concentrated our family mind was the card not paying out and the bank saying no to more credit. alt80 cannot equity release atm. That card isn't paying out. It often takes a shock to realise that the family cannot afford stuff.
It is a good thing.

alt80

I've not spent anything personally since the weekend. I'm so sick of my situation if it can't be reasonably expensed I'm not even bothered but I never did spend a lot during the weekdays. Usually when I decide something is happening I make it happen so hoping to have a better October - no new debt. Not in the best place mentally either tbf so would be nice to have some support at home plenty would say I don't deserve that I've not exactly been there for my wife when she's needed someone. Always thought I could throw money around and everything would be fine instead now I just want my family, don't want my son to think tonight is the last night I'll make the effort because I never have before so how can he expect me to now? No one regrets my past behaviour more than I do but the past is not something I can change. I don't blame her for spending the money just need to know what she plans to spend for the coming month so I can at least try to make the sums add up and start to make some better choices. She's told me she doesn't want to sell anymore stuff tonight so some of the plans there are off unless she changes her mind and since speaking to her dad doesn't feel she needs to help me out of the situation I got myself in. 

Suppose I took the easy route out when things got bad before and panicked because facing it would be a whole lot harder and I would need to face up to my bad choices not just financially but with everything else which contributed to me trying to make it all ok with buying stuff.

alt80

23/9/20
Finished work haha still going.

1. Yolt everyday: 3/7 🙂
2. Make most of long weekend but not spend more than £100: n/a
3. Activity with son everyday: 3/7; 20min dog walk and bedtime story. 
4. October budget: not even looked at today.
5. 3x workouts, 3x 5km: haha not a chance managed 1/6 so far.
6. Plan weekend in advance: not even thought about. Wife has refused to make any suggestions. Son wants to go for another walk and play football can accommodate that.  
7. Switch off work number/ email apart from twice a day to check when off: n/a - dreading doing this tbf now it's getting closer.

PassElephant

You will be around now. It will be doable.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

I've not spent anything personally since the weekend. I'm so sick of my situation if it can't be reasonably expensed I'm not even bothered but I never did spend a lot during the weekdays. Usually when I decide something is happening I make it happen so hoping to have a better October - no new debt. Not in the best place mentally either tbf so would be nice to have some support at home plenty would say I don't deserve that I've not exactly been there for my wife when she's needed someone. Always thought I could throw money around and everything would be fine instead now I just want my family, don't want my son to think tonight is the last night I'll make the effort because I never have before so how can he expect me to now? No one regrets my past behaviour more than I do but the past is not something I can change. I don't blame her for spending the money just need to know what she plans to spend for the coming month so I can at least try to make the sums add up and start to make some better choices. She's told me she doesn't want to sell anymore stuff tonight so some of the plans there are off unless she changes her mind and since speaking to her dad doesn't feel she needs to help me out of the situation I got myself in. 

Suppose I took the easy route out when things got bad before and panicked because facing it would be a whole lot harder and I would need to face up to my bad choices not just financially but with everything else which contributed to me trying to make it all ok with buying stuff.

If that is your wife's attitude then I fear that there really is very little hope for this situation. As much as you save she will just spend. Sorry but you really have got to get her onboard for this to work. Does she really not see that it is both of you that have gotten into this situation not just you. She has spent just as much of your money as you have!!

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

I've not spent anything personally since the weekend. I'm so sick of my situation if it can't be reasonably expensed I'm not even bothered but I never did spend a lot during the weekdays. Usually when I decide something is happening I make it happen so hoping to have a better October - no new debt. Not in the best place mentally either tbf so would be nice to have some support at home plenty would say I don't deserve that I've not exactly been there for my wife when she's needed someone. Always thought I could throw money around and everything would be fine instead now I just want my family, don't want my son to think tonight is the last night I'll make the effort because I never have before so how can he expect me to now? No one regrets my past behaviour more than I do but the past is not something I can change. I don't blame her for spending the money just need to know what she plans to spend for the coming month so I can at least try to make the sums add up and start to make some better choices. She's told me she doesn't want to sell anymore stuff tonight so some of the plans there are off unless she changes her mind and since speaking to her dad doesn't feel she needs to help me out of the situation I got myself in. 

Suppose I took the easy route out when things got bad before and panicked because facing it would be a whole lot harder and I would need to face up to my bad choices not just financially but with everything else which contributed to me trying to make it all ok with buying stuff.

Firstly you’re doing really well...if it was just down to you you’d be smashing it...

But...got yourself in?! She’s the one who chooses not to work and spends like there is no tomorrow. She’s the one who insists on spending about 15% of your income on school fees. 

You need to stop punishing yourself and accepting a poor attitude and shocking behaviour from your wife because you think you deserve to be treated that way. She’s an adult, she makes her own choices. She could’ve stayed in uni, she could not buy thousands of pounds worth of bags. And if her dad has told her that its your problem and not hers then he needs to butt out of it and clearly is a delusional !!!!!! as well. Her decisions have consequences for the family, if she had a career you’d not have had to work so hard to bring all the money in. You may not have been an angel but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished forever more.

You’ve had a health scare and your wife still treats you like you’re only there to meet her financial demands. I’d be furious.

Get her a cash card each month and let’s see how she copes with a dose of reality. Tell her if she wants to spend more she goes out and earns it. It seems the only way you’ll get her onboard. 

alt80

@RelievedSheff she doesn’t see why she should give things up that generally cost a lot less than my cars but do add up lol she just can’t see that she just sees what she spends as small fry. Also she’s not happy about giving up a holiday or two over the next year or so. Beyond the extra spending I just don’t see the point for the coming year with the Covid restrictions changing every few weeks. I did suggest we can go to see my parents in Greece if the budget allows next year (for those new to my diary my parents have lived permanently in Greece for the last 16 years Brexit etc permitting - they are British). My parents are happy to host and it would be a very quiet holiday which would be nice but no point in booking anything with Covid right now.

@ryanm8655 I’m at the stage I wish to draw a line under what’s gone before start afresh in many ways make a better life for my family. Personal finances definitely a big part to play.

Her dad would love nothing more than to see me have everything taken and live the rest of my days in poverty. He 100% believes there’s a special place in hell waiting for anyone who has sought to profit from property and it would be his idea of poetic justice me living out the rest of my days in some hellhole of a tenanted house (because we’re all slumlords of the highest degree with no regard for our tenants of course lol). So can I believe he’s put that into her mind, definitely.

RelievedSheff

Her father sounds like a nasty piece of work. No wonder she is the way she is!!

I do think that the prepaid card with a monthly budget is the way forward for her otherwise you are never going to rein in the spending. Take her other cards from her and just give her the prepaid one. When the money is gone it is gone. She will soon learn how to budget her own money or go out and earn her own to top it up.

alt80

Not sure it’s so much as he’s a piece of work tbf rather than he has some very strong political views that oppose mine and likes people to be of his way of thinking - bit of a control freak haha. He’s really quite different with the other in-laws but doesn’t like me, never has. Have I played up to it over the years, sure.

Actually wondering if the prepaid card thing might work for both of us as I said I tend to be ok until the weekend rolls around lol. That or some kind of spends account with the when it’s gone it’s gone philosophy. 

Our ‘October’ starts tomorrow so tonight is going to be a chance to have a look through this month and discuss a realistic forecast for the coming.