First Steps to Solvency

ryanm8655

I hate to be brutal but I can’t believe your wife turned it on you for not having a good enough job. That would be an awful thing to say in any situation, let alone one where she doesn’t work because she’s a lazy and entitled brat and you’re earning way more than the average income (probably about 5/6x) and work your !!!!!! off. Sorry but she sounds horrible and a huge part of the problem. I think she needs to get a proper job and learn some responsibility and the value of money. Even working part time in a minimum wage job would help you massively financially. I’m sure the FIL blames you for the monster she is, it’s not your fault, it is more likely his...as awful as it is, I can see why you think about how things could have been with the driven and successful woman you mentioned previously.

Hopefully you can get her on board and a big part of that necessitates getting a job. Mainly as she won’t be so bored and blowing money on crap she doesn’t need just to fill a vacuum. She might also learn that you are worth more than the wage packet...

Sorry if I’ve been a bit brutal, I understand that is the mother of your child. I’m just stunned. How ungrateful. It must be a real drain on your mental health, especially with your FIL then having ago at you for the lifestyle your wife demands...

She’d get a shock if ever she did leave when the money she has doesn’t even cover the make up bill and she isn’t able to find anyone earning enough to support her ridiculous lifestyle demands. Obviously I hope it doesn’t ever come to that...

mark55man

In terms of child benefit - its a pain, but if you do claim it even if you end up paying it back in your tax, your wife will get a NI credit for each year.  Each years credit is worth £5 a week increment to her state pension, or £250 per year for the rest of her life over 67 (currently). 

Failing that if she classes her handbag or nails as a small business, when she does her self assessment she can buy pension credits at the class B rate - about £5pw or a payment now of £250 for £250 per year over her pensions

Failing that - as you get nearer retirement just keep an eye on it, as you can buy up to the last 6 years NI credits paying at £15p/w or £750 per year.  Which repays in 3 years of pension - but you don't want to do that too early as if she doesn't make it to pension age then its not refundable.  Ask a question on the pension board?


Or maybe even better I'm not a small business person, employ her in your business for something over £120p/w (the minimum wage to earn NI credits) - maybe administrator for your BTL.

alt80

Yolt done - finding this so easy to just look through once a day and work through the transactions. I'm trying to look at them objectively and place in my mind whether 'worth it or not'. Possibly sounds mad but it's helping to reset my thinking a bit.

Will see some money by the end of this week so I can start 'October' (which starts at the end of September because I get paid when my staff get paid) iyswim. Calling the next few days a write off but nothing to spend apart from a food shop so shouldn't be too bad. This month has been better than most and at the end of this week I can draw a line under it and start working towards the budget. I've taken the bulk of the credit cards off my wife (they aren't hers she's an additional cardholder) did this myself a week or so ago so we have one each for day to day spends and nothing else. Anything else can be discussed.

Child benefit - I haven't written it down but we do get it for wife's NI. It just goes straight into the tax account so its there come self assessment time. I don't regard any money I see but is really hmrcs as my own so I just have a separate account that I have the money put into and forget it exists. Makes sense to me. I realise I could borrow from it to pay this or that but don't want to go there. Suppose I'm a bit paranoid about owing tax money just don't want it.

@getmore4less I do generally make things last believe it or not. Phones are an issue in this house and electronics generally. I tend to upgrade everything of mine when the software stops being supported and won't upgrade but wife will upgrade as soon as the next one comes out more often than not - why she needs a LIDAR sensor in her iPad and a MacBook 16" screen with the biggest storage possible is beyond me but apparently she does lol.

@shoppingobsessed2020 didn't really want to get into it but she's obsessed with instagram and there are a lot of plastic women on there lol. Wouldn't surprise me if she is addicted to the beauty stuff but I just can't deal with seeing this was a major contributor to remortgaging my btls. Not exaggerating or blaming as I said I'm no saint.

@warby68 I said before no relationship is that simple but I think there is an element of her thinking she could walk out and meet some Russian oligarch or Arab prince and shouldn't have settled for me in the first place who knows.

alt80

@ryanm8655 I know where you're coming from mate. I've said before and I'll say again I'd rather she had a career but I'm not her and can't force the issue or I'm the bad guy yet again lol.

One-step-at-a-time

If looking at something and thinking 'worth it or not' is mad than many of us on here probably fit that description
It really does become second nature after a while.

RelievedSheff

I think given your current situation and now that everything is out in the open that you do need to have a chat with you wife about doing some part time paid work. If she wants the lifestyle then she has to start contributing towards it. It might make you "the bad guy" for a short while but once she starts to realise that money has to be earned she might not be so quick to spend it all!

You shouldn't need to force the issue but as adults you should be able to sit down and discuss it.

warby68

The 'worth it or not' thinking is spot on.
Its not what you spend, its the value of that spend. 
Next you can start comparing one spend with another and see which gives the greater value. You already did it with family day, highlighting the low spend to high value of it.
Not to offend you at nearly 40, buts it what we did when our children were small - when they wanted the train ride AND the ice cream, they got to choose for themselves which one. Bit tricky when they both chose different lol but it did make them start with those value judgements early and understand you can rarely have everything. You can have anything just not everything is a good wider mantra too.
You can weigh up 10 driving with your son days out versus one handbag

ryanm8655

warby68 said:

The 'worth it or not' thinking is spot on.
Its not what you spend, its the value of that spend. 
Next you can start comparing one spend with another and see which gives the greater value. You already did it with family day, highlighting the low spend to high value of it.
Not to offend you at nearly 40, buts it what we did when our children were small - when they wanted the train ride AND the ice cream, they got to choose for themselves which one. Bit tricky when they both chose different lol but it did make them start with those value judgements early and understand you can rarely have everything. You can have anything just not everything is a good wider mantra too.
You can weigh up 10 driving with your son days out versus one handbag

 I like the idea of making your kids choose in order to embed the value judgements. Only just learning that in my early 30s

Agree though, it does become second nature...4 or so years ago I went out and splurged £350 on some headphones while in masses of debt without even thinking about it. I now earn more and should be debt free soon, yet have managed to resist buying any even though they broke a few weeks ago and am looking at buying an older, refurbed model now that payday is pending. A part of me thinks that is a little crazy but then so is paying 3 times the price for some headphones that will sound the same, just have a couple of extra features that I probably won't use...

alt80

Thanks didn’t realise others had the ‘worth it or not’ internal dialogue, I’m nearly 40 and it’s only just occurred to me lol. Mind I do find I do it with son if I had £10 for every time I’ve told him “can’t have it all mate you’ll have to choose” and “if you bank that one you can have a bigger toy later” I wouldn’t owe any money.

alt80

What debt free things we 21st; Some mindset to stop spending, some financial:

1. Yolt everyday
2. Make most of long weekend but not spend more than £100
3. Activity with son everyday 
4. October budget
5. 3x workouts, 3x 5km 
6. Plan weekend in advance
7. Switch off work number/ email apart from twice  a day to check when off