First Steps to Solvency

QueenJess

alt80 said:

@QueenJess already missed out on all son’s milestones. Everything I like involves spending money lol and someone has always got the next toy. Know I do well in terms of income generally tbf just never enough for me. 

What rubbish.  He's only 11 isn't he?  Plenty to go yet and lots of time to build that relationship before he leaves home.  He'll need you plenty with all the big life changes he'll have ahead of him.  No point in regretting the past or thinking of "what ifs".  It is a waste of time.  You have the ability to change things now and that is what matters.

Re: spending money, I do think that is a mindset thing and habit.  You can't expect everything to be fixed overnight.  It's a journey.  Branch out and find new things to do which are either cheaper (e.g. cinema - taking your own snacks of course) or free (e.g. home film nights).  Try everything and I'm sure you'll find other things you like and maybe find others who like the same things too.

Baileys_Babe

You have said you enjoyed spending time together with your family during lockdown, what sort of things did you do together? Make a list of the things you enjoyed, ask the rest of the family what they enjoyed and add it to the list. This afternoon we are planning to have a game playing session together, either a board game from our collection or some card games. This evening I am hoping to watch a film with the family (I have mentioned this to them yet and they might have other plans/ideas). You need to change your mindset, easier said than done, instead of thinking of all the things you can't or shouldn't be doing you need to think of all the things you can be doing, like being with your son. 

We have a collection of garden games built up over the years, quoits, lawn darts, boules, mini-golf, lightweight tennis sets (foam balls) as well as skipping ropes, footballs etc We try to make the time a couple of occasions a week (evenings work usually in the summer, the weekends once the nights draw in) for all of us to get out in the garden for a quick game or a kick about with the emphasis on fun and being together, it only takes 15 - 30 minutes but a lot of laughter happens often at my lack of prowess.

As well as doing things together we also have plenty of times where we do our own thing, in ds' case playing computer games online with a couple of friends and them chatting loudly using various platforms depending who is playing or he is watching videos on youtube or practising his drawing.

I count a no-spend day NSD as any day I have not spent cash or used my card. I ignore direct debits and the like as I generally have no control when they are paid and those I can control I have moved all to the same date to make it quicker and easier to keep an eye on my bank accounts. 

Keep reminding yourself you didn't get into debt overnight. It will take a while to make the necessary adjustments both mentally and physically to get out of debt. 

alt80

I’m better when I get another house - there every weekend refurbing it. Missing that hopefully get a new one soon. Not even looking at the moment.

@QueenJess he’s 6 nearly 7. Sometimes I just think he’s better off not having me around too much- bad influence. Wife and son have gone for a walk together this morning should make an effort when they get back. We’re having a film night next weekend when I’m not working.

@Baileys_Babe I enjoyed not doing a lot lol PE with Joe, home gym, football, films, sitting in the garden, gardening etc just chilling basically not a lot productive happened. 

Garden games sound awesome tbf. 

I usually ask my wife to take son to in laws. Ought to stop that really and spend some more time as a family. 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Doing quite well with updating the yolt app. Seen quite a few on these boards having ‘no spend days’ makes me laugh every time I go on the app there are 10/15 transactions including the direct debits a day lol. Not sure I go a day without spending some money when there’s people on here going for nearly half a month. How??

Been reading a few of the diaries struggling to relate to some with whole families living on £2k/m genuinely don’t know how they do it but smaller mortgages £1k car etc I suppose. Most are in a better position than me truth be told and don’t have seven figures over them if I count the btls. Most surprising is they seem happy enough less stress work not their life.

Struggling with the mindset today all I want to do is take my wife shopping buy some new clothes, shoes, tech and go burn a tank of petrol for the sake of it. No one on here seems to really document how they get through days like this without just going out and spending on credit or is it just me who has days like these in the first place? 

It’s just a mindset thing. Though I don’t go many days without spending at all. My tactic is more to keep those spends low and think twice before buying things I don’t really need.

There are some that live on even less than that, as well. It’s impressive. But yeah, won’t be driving range rovers and buying designer clothes/bags, live in a cheaper house, not have kids in private school. We all have our struggles though, money doesn’t prevent that and neither does having none...

As for work, if it makes you feel any better, I take home just over half of what you do from your income streams and I’ve been working late most nights and will have to pick up work over the weekend I don’t have kids and am trying to make a good impression in a new job but still...One of the reasons I went for civil service was seeing a relative’s life fall apart from working too much, though now that I’ve gone off the idea of kids, I do sort of wish I’d chased the money instead ha, not that I’m badly paid.

I think we all have days where we feel like that, especially if that’s how you’re used to living. The first thing is to get rid of the credit cards, if you’re spending needlessly it needs to be your cash. The second thing is just breaking habits, start thinking about the opportunity cost of that spending. I would work out all my income and outgoings and based on that, work out what I can realistically clear on debt each month (after the DDs), anything I spent above what was in the budget would lead me to fail to reach that target. That helped me a lot. I budgeted about £600 per month for other spends like petrol, contributions to groceries, buying stuff, treats for my cousins etc. If you want to be spending willy nilly then you need to get rid of the Range Rover so that you can afford to, how does that sound? Once you’re debt free that’ll free up a chunk of extra cash that will facilitate the weekend flutters without spending on credit and with focus you could be there quite quickly...

I think the other thing to do is put your income into perspective. It’s an income a lot of people would love to have (including me) but given it’s got to support a family, it doesn’t actually go as far as you think. If you divide that income in two, it’s still a good salary but a lot more modest. If (hypothetically) my partner earned the same as I do, I wouldn’t be able to have brand new range rovers/sports cars and blow several hundred on gadgets/clothes etc. every weekend, I’d have to make compromises or end up back in debt.

It gets easier with time. For instance, there are some high end fragrances I’ve got my eye on as I can get them for really good prices. While I’ve come close to relenting, I now stop and think, do I really need it though...aren’t there other things I’d rather have, like no debt in a few months time? Same with clothes...I like nice clothes, I’ll happily buy my jeans/trousers in M&S for £25/£30 and their t-shirts but I do like shirts that fit well so tend to spend a bit more on those. Got my eye on a Ralph Lauren shirt in a sale and have come close to buying several times over the past week but have still managed to resist so far...as good a deal as it is there are other things I need to spend on at the moment and it’s still £80...

It’ll come in time. It’s a bit like dieting, initially it’s really hard to resist eating like you normally do and you can’t stop thinking about it. After a while you just get used to it and new habits form. But like dieting it’s also important not to be unrealistic and go too hard as otherwise you’ll fall off the wagon. That’s why I budget a bit of play money while still clearing £2k+ a month on debt.

In your shoes, rather than going shopping why not take your son out and do something active? Any national trust sites near you that you could explore, for example? Museums?

Distraction is a big help, which I think is why your wife might be the toughest nut to crack. There’s a reason amazon are doing so well out of lockdown...boredom leads to buying stuff to give us some kind of gratification and buzz...

Rome wasn’t built in a day...

getmore4less

The no spend day thing actually has a purpose that does not get mentioned much.

It is not really about not spending  it's about planning.
By trying to not spend you have to plan better to make sure you don't need to spend
(that's NEED not WANT)

Top up shops was mentioned, by planning shopping better you don't need to do those odd extra shops because you ran out of something and easier to stick to the plan, works for other categories.

Rather than go on a clothes spending spree today why not do a clothes audit and see if there is anything you need in the next 6-12months  for you the wife and the kid,  you can get that bit of the budget sorted and ticked off the list.
A job you can do as a family,  might even find some stuff to sell.

An advanced form of no spend is no(low) consumption days this is where you try to reduce the amount(value of what you consume.
For you this would be no run in the car or maybe a spag boll for dinner(£5) rather than fillet steaks all round(£40)

Why not ask the wife and kids if there is something they want to do today, and think about next weekend as wellso it does not turn into another Sat morning like this one, back to the planning ahead.

With all the data you have been putting into Yolt you should be close to a plan(budget) that reflects reality, might be pretty or the one you want but is a budget to start working on. 

QueenJess

@QueenJess he’s 6 nearly 7. Sometimes I just think he’s better off not having me around too much- bad influence. Wife and son have gone for a walk together this morning should make an effort when they get back. We’re having a film night next weekend when I’m not working.

Sorry - I must read too many diaries and am getting confused!  But this is even better.  6-7 is a great age and you have loads of time to build a relationship and tons of milestones to go yet.

I'm sorry, but what you are saying re: bad influence is total rubbish.  I suspect it links to your struggles at the moment and hopefully will be resolved through your counselling.  You bring in money, you have your own business and have a house.  You provide for your family.  Yes, you have done a few silly things with money and got yourself in debt, but absolutely no one is perfect.   I think I feel guilt most days about things I could have done better (and then remind myself I'm being silly).  The only thing that matters is that you are facing up to challenges and aiming to change.  That is something that is hard and impressive and your son will be proud of you for doing it.

Whatever you think, your son loves you and needs you.  All you need to do is spend time with him.  Stop beating yourself up.  You are trying hard to change and that really feels like half the battle here.  No one said it would be easy, but keep going.  Concentrate on the little small wins.  Actually, maybe for you, you should think about writing down (doesn't have to be on here), something every day that you enjoyed, achieved or are grateful for.  I bet you'll come up with more things than you think.

Just take things one step at a time.  Take one tiny thing to achieve every day (and doesn't have to be money related).  It could just be doing an activity with your son, going for a walk or whatever it is that you want to add into your life.  I often feel like I never achieve anything and so I write down what I've achieved every day in my diary (probably quite tediously for anyone who reads it).  It makes sure I achieve something (even if tiny) and makes me feel more positive that I am taking the right steps and making some progress.  If I try and think of everything I want to do (moneywise or not), I find it overwhelming and a bit stressful.

getmore4less

probably just going to do some work tbh. If one month breaks the habits of a lifetime I’ll be very surprised lol. 

Research show that breaking habits tend to need at least 2 months but can take a lot longer.
What has been found is it tends to be a lot quicker if you develop new habits that become dominant.

Might be an idea to focus on new behaviours you can develop into good habits so the old bad ones drift into the background.

One of your emerging bad habits is your default when you have nothing to do is just find some work to do.

You need to plan other things in advance so you don't wake up with void days and just end up working, maybe offload that task to the wife to plan your weekends ahead of time.

Coupled with that is you need to get the business more in order so all the important stuff is done by Friday and the rest can wait till Monday

Some aspect may be 24/7 but good planning reduces the load at times you need to free up,  if you want to grow the business you will have to learn to delegate and employ people to do some of the work..

alt80

@ryanm8655 Yeah definitely the mindset thing. Really struggling to fight it today. Want to get out in the ftype and don’t care anymore if i give it 100, run out of talent and stuff it into a wall. It’s insured and not like it’s not going anyway. Only thing stopping me is potentially hurting someone else or the cops taking my licence off me lol.

I said on the other thread £20k/m would work well for me. Could do most things I want to do on that amount. Not happening certainly not soon and potential of a recession hanging over us next year it’s looking like this is where I am. 

National trust not really my thing - just leave feeling !!!!!! about the house I’ve got because some 16th century baron did better out of life than me haha. Its not funny really but true.

@getmore4less I don’t need to do a clothes audit to know we’ve got everything we need and more. Might find some more stuff to sell though tbf. 

Wife out walking with son and dog at the moment. Will probably just work after lunch and do something together tonight. Not in the best of moods to be with family today.

I am planning to do a budget this weekend - putting if off from the yolt data I know it’s bad already.

getmore4less

alt80 said:

@getmore4less I don’t need to do a clothes audit to know we’ve got everything we need and more. Might find some more stuff to sell though tbf. 

Part of the exercise of going through what you have is to get the "why did I buy" that moments, then when out I don't need another one of those I have 10 of them already.

One thing I don't get is  we’ve got everything we need and more

You have a young child they need stuff all the time because they grow, at least do a 12month plan for what  the kids needs put that on your budget and put down ZERO for you and the wife.

alt80

@QueenJess I definitely have the guilt. Always been distant from son and really regret it now after lockdown. All I’ve ever done is provide a paycheque never really been there. Not a good trait to have and know wife would leave me if i couldn’t provide a lifestyle not that I blame her for that after the way I’ve been for years.

A few older guys in my industry have their sons / daughters taking on the businesses, great relationships, family men I’m envious of that in some ways. 

@getmore4less I’m inclined to agree re work / business. I do have staff currently struggling to cover workload and need someone else. Difficult times to employ someone - if there is a big recession next year we won’t be struggling to cover workload so hard to balance in current circumstances. Struggling with sleep so much at the moment which isn’t helping for planning ahead.