Splitting money in a long term relationship - income disparity

TBagpuss

I don't think that there is a single right answer but I think that a situation where you have a huge discrepancy in your personal positions and how much you have for personal spending etc has a high risk of resulting in stress and resentment - it also creates a huge power imbalance in the relationship.

It sounds as though your wife is willing to work, but that you both agreed that she would stop so that you were able to spend evenings and weekends together, so this is not a case where she is not prepared to contribute.

I think I would suggest that you and sh discuss it, and look at options that would be open to her to be able to work even f it is only part time, so that you are both contributing - surely there must be some jobs she would be able to do which would allow her to work during the day? It would keep all of your options open and now is a good time for her to be looking at training / improving her skill set  so she has better options - when could be particularly important in case you were to ever become ill or otherwise find your earning capacity fell, or in the event that you are he were to separate.

Then maybe either have an arrangement whereby you both put your incomes into joint accounts (and fund things like joint savings, savings in your sole names and pensions for you both from those joint accounts) perhaps with an agreement to discuss any expenditure above a certain level with the other before pending the money OR have an arrangements where by you both have your incomes go into a  joint account, pay all the bills etc from them (Again, I would include payments into savings and pensions for you both in those joint outgoings) then have a fixed amount each from any surplus which you can spend or save as you like - that way, she would be able to enjoy her hobbies and to invest in trying to turn them into profitable enterprises and you would have similar amounts to spend on things you want / enjoy.  If you put money into joint savings then the two of you could agree to invest money from that 'pot' into her businesses if/when they do start to take off, 

Also - if she ends up doing most of the household stuff because you are working full time, bear in mind that that is a big contribution as well - it's not unreasonable to split the family income equally if you are both working equally hard, even if one of you is doing unpaid work and one paid work. 

Ultimately, however, what is fair s something that leaves both of you feeling that it is fair and reasonable, and that neither of you feels exploited or taken for granted. 

kangoora

As well as income there are potentially sizeable tax advantages in the future by ensuring your OH has enough in a pension to fully utilise their tax free allowance. However, you can only contribute up to £2880/year to a pension if not earning any money (grossed up to £3600 by government). So, you could get £720/year (not accessible until 55+ though) into a pension for free and presumably, be able to be withdrawn tax-free if the amount drawn yearly doesn't exceed their personal allowance. All perfectly legal and above board........

pollypenny

If my husband talked about 'giving' me X amount I'd be giving him the boot. Surely this this something to be worked out together by a couple. 

Sandtree

pollypenny said:

If my husband talked about 'giving' me X amount I'd be giving him the boot. Surely this this something to be worked out together by a couple. 

What to call it is a bit of an awkward topic too.

Our friend's situation is a little different in that his wife used to earn £25k rather than just NMW and worked office hours, she gave up work when they started trying to have kids and it wasn't working but they had their only child 10 years ago now and she's never gone back. In their case he gives her "pocket money" which is to cover all food for the family, clothes etc for her and his son and anything else she wants to spend the remainder on. When its gone it gone though he'll buy food etc if it comes to it but take it out of next months money; advances for her own purposes are not allowed.

In his case he an expectation of minimum standards to be maintained in the home in terms of house work else a cleaner will be brought in at his wife's expense.

To me this feels more like a business arrangement than a loving partnership and to call it pocket money is condescending to the 49 year old mother of his son.

Sky_

Sandtree said:

pollypenny said:

If my husband talked about 'giving' me X amount I'd be giving him the boot. Surely this this something to be worked out together by a couple. 

What to call it is a bit of an awkward topic too.

Our friend's situation is a little different in that his wife used to earn £25k rather than just NMW and worked office hours, she gave up work when they started trying to have kids and it wasn't working but they had their only child 10 years ago now and she's never gone back. In their case he gives her "pocket money" which is to cover all food for the family, clothes etc for her and his son and anything else she wants to spend the remainder on. When its gone it gone though he'll buy food etc if it comes to it but take it out of next months money; advances for her own purposes are not allowed.

In his case he an expectation of minimum standards to be maintained in the home in terms of house work else a cleaner will be brought in at his wife's expense.

To me this feels more like a business arrangement than a loving partnership and to call it pocket money is condescending to the 49 year old mother of his son.

Are you sure he's not winding you up? 

I can't imagine that anyone (the stay-at-home parent) would want to remain in a marriage like this.  I'd be long gone if my spouse had expectations like this and was not willing to change!! Marriage should be based on love, mutual respect, joint decision-making and loving consideration for each other.  What you describe above is nothing of the sort!

Sandtree

Sky_ said:

Sandtree said:

pollypenny said:

If my husband talked about 'giving' me X amount I'd be giving him the boot. Surely this this something to be worked out together by a couple. 

What to call it is a bit of an awkward topic too.

Our friend's situation is a little different in that his wife used to earn £25k rather than just NMW and worked office hours, she gave up work when they started trying to have kids and it wasn't working but they had their only child 10 years ago now and she's never gone back. In their case he gives her "pocket money" which is to cover all food for the family, clothes etc for her and his son and anything else she wants to spend the remainder on. When its gone it gone though he'll buy food etc if it comes to it but take it out of next months money; advances for her own purposes are not allowed.

In his case he an expectation of minimum standards to be maintained in the home in terms of house work else a cleaner will be brought in at his wife's expense.

To me this feels more like a business arrangement than a loving partnership and to call it pocket money is condescending to the 49 year old mother of his son.

Are you sure he's not winding you up? 

I can't imagine that anyone (the stay-at-home parent) would want to remain in a marriage like this.  I'd be long gone if my spouse had expectations like this and was not willing to change!! Marriage should be based on love, mutual respect, joint decision-making and loving consideration for each other.  What you describe above is nothing of the sort!

Its a very long (15 year) and consistent wind up if it is the case... his memory isnt the best after 5 beers but this topic/story has never materially altered whereas he's totally forgotten plenty of other things he's said after drinks which makes me think its at least mainly true.

Assuming the story is true the pocket money isn't insubstantial given no bills to pay than food and he believes she saves money most months (she's going on a 5* girls skiing holiday thats self funded). It does go further though as he has said once or twice that she wants to do something  expensive (eg repair her old car thats been in storage for years) and he's said she has to save up to do it if she wants it but says to me that he'll "reward her" by refunding her the money if she achieves her goal... just sounds like how you'd treat your daughter to teach her the value of money rather than your wife.

Fireflyaway

Socajam said:

Fireflyaway said:

My husband and I earn different amounts and it has caused conflict. He thinks I'm able to earn more, whereas I find work so stressful (due to my autism) that I'd rather earn a smaller amount but have less stress and he happy. What I'm trying to convey is it's not just about income and money but your attitude towards it and the value you might place on other things such as housework, childcare etc. You could try the percentage method whereby you each contribute a certain percentage towards bills dependent on your income? What's left is yours. If your wife doesn't work at all then I'd say a small allowance would be nice but maybe she uses her spare time to do the housework etc. Whatever you decide, you need to both agree on it otherwise it's going to cause conflict or resentment.

But if you were a single household, would you survive on the salary you are making, or would you have to up your hours to make more money to survive even if the autism?

Since January I have been operating as a single household as my husband had a mental breakdown and moved out. My wage does cover the rent and bills etc. There isn't much left so I'd have to budget really carefully for a new sofa or holiday etc. I'm working full time, it's just a lower stress job and lower paid than I probably could secure if I wanted. My husband just questioned why I would work for 1x pay when I could probably earn 2x.  To him it wasn't that we needed more money,  I just wasn't fulfilling my earning potential. To me I didn't want more stress. Still don't. I've seen my husband struggle with mental illness and I wouldn't do anything to compromise mine.

FTBin2020

Fireflyaway said:

Socajam said:

Fireflyaway said:

My husband and I earn different amounts and it has caused conflict. He thinks I'm able to earn more, whereas I find work so stressful (due to my autism) that I'd rather earn a smaller amount but have less stress and he happy. What I'm trying to convey is it's not just about income and money but your attitude towards it and the value you might place on other things such as housework, childcare etc. You could try the percentage method whereby you each contribute a certain percentage towards bills dependent on your income? What's left is yours. If your wife doesn't work at all then I'd say a small allowance would be nice but maybe she uses her spare time to do the housework etc. Whatever you decide, you need to both agree on it otherwise it's going to cause conflict or resentment.

But if you were a single household, would you survive on the salary you are making, or would you have to up your hours to make more money to survive even if the autism?

Since January I have been operating as a single household as my husband had a mental breakdown and moved out. My wage does cover the rent and bills etc. There isn't much left so I'd have to budget really carefully for a new sofa or holiday etc. I'm working full time, it's just a lower stress job and lower paid than I probably could secure if I wanted. My husband just questioned why I would work for 1x pay when I could probably earn 2x.  To him it wasn't that we needed more money,  I just wasn't fulfilling my earning potential. To me I didn't want more stress. Still don't. I've seen my husband struggle with mental illness and I wouldn't do anything to compromise mine.

This is literally me! I do not handle stress well and therefore optionally take a lower paid role due to this. My partner does often say he doesn’t understand why as he feels I’m limiting my potential. However I manage my bills fine, but like you need to save for luxuries. Simple and stress free

onwards&upwards

Sandtree said:

pollypenny said:

If my husband talked about 'giving' me X amount I'd be giving him the boot. Surely this this something to be worked out together by a couple. 

What to call it is a bit of an awkward topic too.

Our friend's situation is a little different in that his wife used to earn £25k rather than just NMW and worked office hours, she gave up work when they started trying to have kids and it wasn't working but they had their only child 10 years ago now and she's never gone back. In their case he gives her "pocket money" which is to cover all food for the family, clothes etc for her and his son and anything else she wants to spend the remainder on. When its gone it gone though he'll buy food etc if it comes to it but take it out of next months money; advances for her own purposes are not allowed.

In his case he an expectation of minimum standards to be maintained in the home in terms of house work else a cleaner will be brought in at his wife's expense.

To me this feels more like a business arrangement than a loving partnership and to call it pocket money is condescending to the 49 year old mother of his son.

That sounds like a financially abusive and controlling man to me.