Splitting money in a long term relationship - income disparity

Sandtree

This is a bit more of an academic question than anything but a friend and I are not in too dissimilar circumstances but have taken very different approaches and both feel the other is mad/wrong and so thought it worth getting a wider view.

My wife’s health isnt brilliant and since being in the UK she has done different kinds of semi-physical jobs (nanny, cleaner, cafe assistant etc) and these made things worse plus meant she was working evenings/weekends etc. I am fortunate and since being together my career has somewhat taken off and I work Mon-Fri office hours and after tax bring home about ten times what she earned.

Neither of us are extravagant spenders (outside of eating and holidays together) but she has a lot of hobbies and they take up a moderate amount of money. So we agreed she’d stop working most the time and see if she can convert any of her hobbies into a business but so far none have been profitable. She does do occasional work for friends etc who need a hand but it probably average out at a couple of hundred a month tops.

So... without changing the working situation, how would you suggest dealing with money between us? Give her a small “allowance” and thats it, if she wants more she can get a job? Maybe a generous allowance but when its gone its gone? Pool all the money and give free access? Go old fashioned and give her free access to mine but whats her’s is her’s? Something else?

Socajam

Me personally, I would not give free access - hobbies can get out of control and before you know it money is being wasted on something that does not bring in any income to offset the amount being spent.
You could give her an allowance for her hobby and once it's gone, she can find a job to finance it, or let her work and use that money for her hobbies and you carry the rest of the load.
I will be more more inclined for her to work and pay for her hobbies, then if she can see for herself that it's a loosing proposition, the reality will sink it sooner rather than later.  This to me is called personal responsibility something your wife need to learn.
If you keep on financing her hobbies, she will never realize the amount of money being spent on them because it is freely given.

Sandtree

Just to add that these are actual hobbies (knitting, weaving, ceramics etc) and the monitorisation is a relatively new aspect and predominately adds very little additional cost... she’s not knitting 500 jumpers then finding they don’t sell at the price she needs but maybe half a dozen and they do slowly sell at break even or slight profit but probably works out at 50p/hr if you to were add her time into the profit equasion. 

Socajam

I understand, but if she was to finance this herself, then it would give her something to aim for and work hard towards
If you were to finance it, then the motivation would not be as great.
You are already carrying the heavy load of all the finances, this small one she should do all by herself - gives her the independence to do something for herself

Sky_

What does your wife think?  I think it should be a shared decision between two adults.

Personally, I'd agree a 'personal spends' amount for each of you (purely for non-essential/fun personal spends), then the remaining money is used to pay bills and other joint expenses, then the remainder is saved or invested in pensions or similar.  If possible also consider paying into a personal pension for your wife.

I've been married around 30 years and my DH and I have earned different amounts at various points in our marriage, but we've always agreed on an equal amount each for personal spends--anything from £30 to £250 a month each, depending on circumstances at the time.  We consider each other as equals, so consider it fair that any disposable income is shared equally.. 

theoretica

Talk it over with her, don't impose.  My personal inclination would be towards what my parents had - free access, but neither spending silly amounts and discussing big purchases.  If she is truly trying to go self employed, it is likely there will be a need for starting capital or investment.  It would also be very wise of her to keep full accounts for her hobby/business so she knows for sure how she is doing, it is very easy to forget about spends, or not include unsuccessful projects or the like.

Socajam

OP - you could give your wife say 1,000 seed money to finance her project and let her know that the rest is on her to make the business work.  But no more money will be forthcoming.
Then as Sky_ said:  invest in pensions for both of you, have an emergency and life happens fund as you will be the only one working.

AskAsk

so what is the current arrangement?

Fireflyaway

My husband and I earn different amounts and it has caused conflict. He thinks I'm able to earn more, whereas I find work so stressful (due to my autism) that I'd rather earn a smaller amount but have less stress and he happy. What I'm trying to convey is it's not just about income and money but your attitude towards it and the value you might place on other things such as housework, childcare etc. You could try the percentage method whereby you each contribute a certain percentage towards bills dependent on your income? What's left is yours. If your wife doesn't work at all then I'd say a small allowance would be nice but maybe she uses her spare time to do the housework etc. Whatever you decide, you need to both agree on it otherwise it's going to cause conflict or resentment.

Socajam

Fireflyaway said:

My husband and I earn different amounts and it has caused conflict. He thinks I'm able to earn more, whereas I find work so stressful (due to my autism) that I'd rather earn a smaller amount but have less stress and he happy. What I'm trying to convey is it's not just about income and money but your attitude towards it and the value you might place on other things such as housework, childcare etc. You could try the percentage method whereby you each contribute a certain percentage towards bills dependent on your income? What's left is yours. If your wife doesn't work at all then I'd say a small allowance would be nice but maybe she uses her spare time to do the housework etc. Whatever you decide, you need to both agree on it otherwise it's going to cause conflict or resentment.

But if you were a single household, would you survive on the salary you are making, or would you have to up your hours to make more money to survive even if the autism?

FTBin2020

Our situation: We're both FTB about to buy our first home (aged 21 and 20). My partner earns £38,000 whereas I earn £19,383 (about to progress to £21,900). Having been together for 4 years already, we've quite often just 'shared' money here and there, but now we're buying a house we've made more of a formal plan.

My partner pays £1000 in our joint account a month, I pay £500, this is to cover bills and some more. Then in addition to this we both pay an extra £250 each for joint savings. We then pay our own personal bills out of our remaining money. (I have offered to split 50/50 but my partner refuses as he argues that he earns considerably more). However, in addition to working full time I've just funded myself to complete a Level 3 and Level 5 qualification meaning I'm now open to progress onto higher paid roles - I'm sure this plays a huge factor in my partner being happy paying more, as he knows I'm working hard to better myself financially.

I would say whilst it's great to have hobbies like your wife's, they are just hobbies. They're great for a secondary income, but really a primary income is needed to fund this. If you're happy to provide this primary source (an "allowance") of income to support her, that's down to you, but out of that and just giving open access, I'd say the allowance is most likely the better choice.