Paying conspicuous rent to partner

Falafels

I've been in the situation where I moved heaven and earth to be with a guy, got rid of most of my furniture - all that - and, like you, began to feel I'd drawn the short straw when it came to expenses. I won't bore you with the details, but reading between the lines of your post, I sense that you are harbouring a growing resentment around this. What seems to be shared are all the expenses, whether you benefit from them or not, but not the financial advantages. I get that this was intended as a move to deepen your relationship, and not a business transaction, but inevitably the partner who does most of the giving will eventually feel aggrieved no matter how much they love the other person - and it will eat away at your feelings for him.

Think about it realistically. He's very difficult to please in terms of homes. Due to your move, he's now £600/month better off. Does he actually have any incentive to move? Frankly, it doesn't sound like it. And what happens if he rejects your £200 offer? How does he respond when you raise your concerns with him (and you have talked to him about it, haven't you?)

You have a choice. You can either continue to pay him rent etc in a property where you have no security of tenure and pay more than you would for the equivalent rental elsewhere; you can move out and rent somewhere else, which would be cheaper for you and leave him with all his own responsibilities; or you can buy your own place.

Only you can decide whether the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives, or whether you're prepared to gamble your financial future on a future move together which may never happen.

steampowered

Moving in with a partner is always going to involve compromises.

It's never going to be a perfect arrangement, particularly if one partner owns the property and the other one is paying rent. It's not always obvious whether the renting partner should be getting an interest in the property in return for their payments or not.

Personally I'd suggest sitting down with your partner to go through a detailed breakdown of all of the expenses associated with the flat, and try to agree an arrangement you both think is fair. 

I'm afraid I don't really follow the figures in your post - it's all a bit confusing. I think you need to write down in a clear table all of the joint expenses - what the expense is; and what you each pay.

[Deleted User]

Would buying into his property be an option for you? 

AdrianC

...and they say romance is dead...

comeandgo

He needs you to subsidise his part time job, without you he could not afford the property.  If you are willing to help fund his lifestyle then stay, I'm afraid I'd always be a bit suspicious that I was just a meal ticket.

Titus_Wadd

It sounds like a financial not an emotional relationship.  If you weren't a couple would you have moved in with a pal or a colleague on these terms (separate rooms).  Even when a couple have different levels of income there needs to be a feeling of you both "p**ing in the same pot" or that you're working towards something equally even if it's just a replacement kitchen. 

You could talk about the options going forward and you need to hold firm to what seems fair to you both of you (not what we think) otherwise it will fester.  Currently it sounds as though you're a lodger / house-sharer paying more than half the rent and running costs.  If you got your own place would a lodger in your place be prepared to pay the same amount?

Have a look at alternative housing options for yourself and if you imagine yourself in a flat or house without him then you might have your answer.  My view is slightly clouded by having had a flakey first marriage where my salary paid for everything and also had to bail out the ex who was working for his dad for no pay for a year.  The father-in-law buying a new car was the last nail in that coffin! 

The situation with my husband now has flipped, I can't work through disability and a stack of stupid little illnesses, but from the outset we have a communal pot (and separate bank accounts).  I'm rambling, but it seems telling that you're not at that communal pot stage yet.  I'd be looking forward to flat hunting or maybe talking about halving the hours you work and reducing your housing contribution to see how that might be received?

Let us know how you get on.

skint_chick

So if you were paying £870 a month for a 2 bed flat then why didn't you tell him you would be more comfortable paying £435 a month when you moved in - comparable to renting a room and similar to having a flat share. Then you would both be £435 a month better off. If you are getting the benefit of the car then sharing the expenses seems reasonable - but if he's using it for work and you just drive it occasionally on the weekend then maybe it should be worked out differently. It doesn't sound like you're quite at the stage where you're totally sharing your money as this has built up some resentment that he isn't getting the kitchen done - rather than it's a joint project and the extra money you've been paying would go towards that. 

You really need to talk to him about it, there's no point in saying x number of people on a forum said he should take less money for rent and bills if he isn't willing, and you've obviously been thinking about it for a while.