Coping with doubts after moving

Pussinboots61

Hi, I hope someone can advise me to try and make me feel more positive. 

Basically, last year  I moved back to live where I left over ten years ago and deeply regretted it. I left the flat in grief after my Mum died as she had lived in a flat across from me and then moved into the nursing home at the top of the road and I felt I couldn't face it. Friends and family advised me not to act in haste but I wouldn't listen. I live in Council rented property. I put in a bid for another flat and moved there. I soon regretted it and couldn't settle there so two years later I moved again. I tried to get back to where I was before but nothing was available. I accepted a flat elsewhere and lived there for ten years. I wasn't unhappy there but I still regretted leaving my first flat and felt I was just accepting second best.

Then last year, as if by a miracle, I saw a flat advertised where I used to live and regretted moving from. I wasn't actively looking to move, I just had a nosey on the Council website and it was the first thing I saw so I put in a bid, not thinking I'd hear anything. But I did hear the week after and got the offer of a flat. I had built up ten years worth of points with the Council. I went to view the flat with my sister in law and loved it straight away but my old flat was at the bottom of the road and this one is at the top, the road isn't terribly steep but it is a hill, there are also two flights of stairs up to the flat, whereas my old one here just had the one flight and my last flat was on the ground floor. Also the rent here is more than where I lived before. I had to make a decision by the next day, I decided to accept the flat as I knew I'd regret it if I didn't and I didn't know when another opportunity would arise.

But for the past year I have had niggles, even though I love the flat and the area and its just what I want. I am 58 and not exactly old and I am not unfit but I worry that when I get older I might not be able to manage the stairs to the flat or the hill or may be forced to move to somewhere I don't like. I do feel safer being in an upstairs flat however. The bus service here also isn't as a good as where I was before I moved here. 

I don't want to move again ever if I can help it. I guess I can't believe my luck at getting this flat and I worry about it all going wrong. I have now lost all my points with moving and can't put my name back on the housing list till next year and will start building up points again which will take a long time. My next door neighbour is 77 and manages the steps fine, even though she keeps saying she is going to move she never does anything about it. It may seem silly that I am uneasy like this about something I've always wanted. Has anyone else gone through this?

NameUnavailable

To answer your question, no.

Good grief, you seem to be fretting about a lot of what if's. What if martians invade and kill us all tomorrow? It could happen. Probably won't but could.

Enjoy where you live and worry about other stuff if it ever gets to that.

[Deleted User]

I agree with nameunavailable.., you love the flat and could be enjoying it but you are spending a lot of energy worrying about future things that may never happen.  I think you know this from the way your post reads.  It sounds to me like you can't quite believe this should have happened after so many years of longing to be in the area.  Don't ruin it.  It has happened, it can't be taken away from you so try and relax and enjoy it.  If ever you did get some level of disability you could move again to somewhere more suitable but it doesn't sound likely in the next few years.  

Think of things you enjoy doing, and do them.  It might help stop you worrying.  Its a strategy I've learned to adopt.  If the worrying is a more deep seated problem, it might be worth going to your GP.

mlz1413

Pussinboots61 you are doing exactly what my mum and grandmother do/did, talk yourself in to wanting something different to the house you live in, then move and decide the place you left was better and regret moving / wish you had never moved. 
From experience I'd like to say it is a total waste of energy. 
But there isn't an answer, or I never found any words that have stopped my mum from doing this!  Oh and BTW she was an expert at this, moving every couple of years was normal.  Her longest in any place was 10 years and she spent 5 moaning about the place and a year selling it so much of her time there was spolit with self imposed worry and unhappiness.
If you can just try and enjoy where you are for 10 years, give yourself that time limit as you will only be 68 at that point. If at 68 you think you are fit enough to stay then set yourself another 5 year limit and review then. 

carefullycautious

I am more fascinated how you build up points and then are able to move on a first application of a home you have seen. I have only known the bidding system of Gold silver bronze where you are competing with hundreds of others. 
I am in the same dilemma as you in that we are looking for property and my husband feels we would be safer on the first floor. However, I am also worrying about stairs and how long we will manage them. If we had internal staircase it would be easier as a stair lift could be put in but communal stairs you cant. I hope you settle in time and mIz413 advice is spot on.

Pussinboots61

deannatrois said:

I agree with nameunavailable.., you love the flat and could be enjoying it but you are spending a lot of energy worrying about future things that may never happen.  I think you know this from the way your post reads.  It sounds to me like you can't quite believe this should have happened after so many years of longing to be in the area.  Don't ruin it.  It has happened, it can't be taken away from you so try and relax and enjoy it.  If ever you did get some level of disability you could move again to somewhere more suitable but it doesn't sound likely in the next few years.  

Think of things you enjoy doing, and do them.  It might help stop you worrying.  Its a strategy I've learned to adopt.  If the worrying is a more deep seated problem, it might be worth going to your GP.

Thanks your reply. I do worry a lot and take anti depressants. I went to IAPT for counselling last year but I still can't seem to get rid of this worry. I know I need to get rid of it though as I don't want to keep worrying about something I've always wanted.

Pussinboots61

carefullycautious said:

I am more fascinated how you build up points and then are able to move on a first application of a home you have seen. I have only known the bidding system of Gold silver bronze where you are competing with hundreds of others. 
I am in the same dilemma as you in that we are looking for property and my husband feels we would be safer on the first floor. However, I am also worrying about stairs and how long we will manage them. If we had internal staircase it would be easier as a stair lift could be put in but communal stairs you cant. I hope you settle in time and mIz413 advice is spot on.

Thanks for your reply. The bidding system where I live can be complex. You do have to build up points and then its a case of first come first served but if someone has priority they can jump the queue. I feel I was luckily getting this flat. There was one bid before me and that person turned it down because he couldn't fit in all his furniture as I was told.

Do you think you will move to an upstairs flat after all? I see you have the same concerns as me.

Pussinboots61

Thanks all for your replies. I am trying to be positive and am finding it difficult but I do get what you all say, it does seem pointless worrying about something that might not happen. I just keep wondering should I have just stayed where I was as at least that flat had easy access, even though it wasn't my ideal place? Still, nothing I can do now and I do prefer it here.

[Deleted User]

I don't know if this will help.  Its things I do.  When you get a worrying thought (like the one about will you manage the stairs in x years) say positively and strongly to yourself 'go away, you are not relevant' (its a lot better than letting your mind follow that thought with the pictures of things that aren't even happening).  Take control of thoughts you know aren't logical and aren't doing you any good.  Try and concentrate on thinking about the positives about the property, think about what you love about it.  If you haven't already, decorate.  Make it yours. Just doing something positive like that can help feelings of control.

Competsoph

@Pussinboots61 I have empathy with you as I too am a natural worrier however I can control my worrying much better over the past few years.
Lockdown has been a challenging time and you’ve probably been cooped up in this flat with all these emotions running around your head.
Perhaps you need to reach out to your GP again for some support. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you made a decision and as you say yourself, you prefer it there. What will be, will be. Good luck and I hope you manage to settle your nerves. 

MovingForwards

Enjoy the flat and the area, you don't know what will happen in the future but you would have the opportunity of moving to a more suitable property if you needed to; you may not have to!
By being active, even just going up / down stairs, that will help keep you mobile. 

I'm 14 years younger than you, disabled with walking issues, amongst other things. I've recently purchased a first floor flat and had no interest in a ground floor one. In the 9ish weeks I've lived here, only once have I not made it to my garden. All the other times it's been slow and steady wins the race, same as when I go to the shops.