Bombshell from OH

winterblues2019

Thanks ninjatune and fireflyaway, good suggestions

NinjaTune

winterblues2019 said:

Thanks ninjatune and fireflyaway, good suggestions

You're very welcome.  This was obviously a huge shock to you on top of everything else you've had to cope with, I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

AA is no good to him until he has dealt with his initial trauma.  The alcohol abuse seems to have been triggered by his experience so he needs to deal with that first. As he has only just opened up about what happened it may take some time for him to take the steps he needs to, hopefully, heal and recover.  Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier than to someone you love as you know they will be hurting too.  Gently encourage him to speak to someone about it but with no pressure.

All the best to both of you, make sure you take time out for yourself to deal with your own emotions too x

winterblues2019

Thanks, I was really resentful to him for so long for the drinking and staying out all night now I can see he is damaged and in pain, I’m thinking back over the 12 year relationship and all the drama there has been between us (he has bruised me and pushed me to some extent in the past and broken some of my belongings, also in the past and he can be controlling and not listen to what I want) and maybe it all stems from his trauma but I have to take responsibility as I have chosen to stay with him so far and even have a 6 year old son with him. He has lots of good points too, he helps people out, he’s good to my dad, he loves his son, he is a good cook and has decorated some of the house, he is life and soul of the party when he’s had a drink of course but as a husband and partner there’s not much there, so I’ll have to see how much longer we’re in this situation together as it’s quite miserable for both of us.

Retireby40

winterblues2019 said:

Thanks for all your comments, I feel better sharing it, can't tell any of my friends or family...I met him 12 yrs ago when he was about 21 and pretty much from day one he was having heart problems and pains in his chest and we spent many hours in a&e together and were told by docs it was anxiety, the heavy drinking has always been there, he didn't go college or uni, he's working in building trade and not happy but doesn't take steps to change his job, he did tell me years ago he was caught by police in another country for immigration issues and imprisoned for a while, I think the incident happened there.

I'm sure he does need AA and/or counselling, if he'll go is another thing. I think I'll just have to not have a go at him for the binge drinking and disappearing for hours and accept that I can't change him or trust him in that respect, I feel really sorry for the young boy he was if this is true and I'll try to be compassionate.

What do you mean you think it happened there?

In your position you need to know the facts. While it may be hard for your partner it's harder for you not knowing. You need to know where it happened and abit more information.

If not it could be fabricated. Again I'm not saying it is fabricated at all but someone with an addiction would lie about anything. And the more wishy washy the story is the more likely it isnt true.

You said it happened when he was 16. Yet you say it happened while he was arrested for immigration issues in another country? Are they from the UK originally or from another country?

I have had family who were addicts and discovered all the lies. Sorry for my pessimistic tone but if I were you I would want to know the exact story. 

NinjaTune

"he has bruised me and pushed me to some extent in the past and broken some of my belongings, also in the past and he can be controlling and not listen to what I want"

That is not okay, irrespective of what may or may not have happened in his past.

Retireby40 is right when they say that addicts aren't always the most truthful people.  It's possible that your husband made up the story to get himself out of a sticky situation because he knew he'd messed up again.  You'd hope that nobody would invent something like that for sympathy but, yes, it's possible.

Sistergold

Why are you sticking around? What effect will all this have on you and your son? I really am in shock? But I know it’s easier said than done to leave, I have been there, done it and have a T-shirt to show for it ? My own case was not as bad as yours but still I should not have stayed as long as I did. The truth is it’s difficult to mend a broken glass and truly you also need a break and let him get over his past the best way he can. Life is too short and he is an adult and I know there is one thing or the other we can use to explain bad behaviour. Nothing is truly a good enough excuse to behave badly for so long! 

Good luck and take courage leaving him is not a sign of failure on your part. 

Fireflyaway

It's important to think of your sons involvement in this. Kids will pick up on stuff even if you try to hide things or keep a brave face. As mentioned, my husband has depression and before starting his medication about 10 years back, he was violent and abusive towards me. Nobody knows, I've kept it to myself.  Now I know it might well be because of what he experienced as a child because his dad was very abusive. His own dad's behaviour was a poor role model and what he witnessed has caused long term damage that's not only impacted him but me and our child. I know your instinct is to help. He was a victim after all, but that doesn't mean at all costs. You and your lad shouldn't become victims along the way. 

[Deleted User]

Maybe the GP could refer him for counselling but it may take months.  Private counsellors are around £50-£80.00 an hour.  If it saves his life ...  You, of course, have other worries and from personal experience you want to help but there's also nothing you can do unless he does want to stop.  I think you should probably make some contingency plans.

Fireflyaway

If you can afford it, now may be a good time to access private councelling. My husband was paying £50 for a 50 minute face to face session but due to current restrictions it's moved to telephone / video sessions but it's cheaper at £30 per hour. Even one session to give him the chance to offload his worries without worry of being judged or changing the relationship dynamics could be helpful.