Am i overreacting?

TwoUpTwoDown

Thanks everyone for the responses. It is hard to know the right answer when you're not here and i can hear both sides.

Firstly, perhaps the 'help' statement wasn't quite right. I make breakfast for the family every day and tidy away afterwards, make my own lunches, iron my own clothes (and anyone that needs it) hoover the entire house at weekends as well as do the washing/clean up every night after dinner. At weekends i typically also do all the cooking, all the clothes washing and am fairly busy with DIY when not spending time with family. I am typically out of the house at 6.30am and once in and kids bathed, fed etc... do not sit down until 9pm be it tidying, maintenance etc..  i also need to balance this time with spending time with my Children which i do place priority over other chores sometimes because you will never get that time back again.
 
So in all honesty i can say that i do my share around the house and i am not concerned about my level of input. I've spent most of my life living out of home and never asked or would want to have everything done for me.  Typically during the day I am at the office and still working office hours while at home so chores during the day are not my first thought as i am typically never there and have limited time to eat lunch and get back to work.

I think the comment that struck home was about defining the chores more clearly. We had a routine beforehand and i think we need a revised one whilst i am based at home and i think that would help. We have two young children and she is run ragged by them. I do not for one second think she has an easy life!

I do appreciate your thoughts and i have apologised to my partner if i was over-sensitive about the situation as it's just not worth getting hung up about. I've also asked if we can draw a rota up with chores which should give some stability and set expectations more clearly.

onwards&upwards

If your partner is run ragged and you aren’t, then it does need some evening up!  Poor woman sounds exhausted, and maybe she thought having you at home would make her life easier and lockdown more pleasant, and has been disappointed? 

TwoUpTwoDown

BrassicWoman said:

This may help explain.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Thanks but to be clear, i do share the load with my partner. Just because I was over-sensitive about something she said doesn't mean I'm a bum who sits around in my pants all day long. Also, i think the attached could be applicable either way, not just for women. My work is demanding too and i carry responsibilities also that can be draining.
I fully recognise the demands because i take them on too. 

TwoUpTwoDown

onwards&upwards said:

If your partner is run ragged and you aren’t, then it does need some evening up!  Poor woman sounds exhausted, and maybe she thought having you at home would make her life easier and lockdown more pleasant, and has been disappointed? 

Thanks. I didn't say that i wasn't run ragged though did i? As a matter of fact, im now going in to my 15th hour at work today in order to ensure that our food products continue to be delivered in the supply chain.
Most other people i know have now been furloughed with a bit more time. I'd love to have a break right now. That being said, im grateful to still have a job that can support my family.

BrassicWoman

TwoUpTwoDown said:

BrassicWoman said:

This may help explain.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Thanks but to be clear, i do share the load with my partner. Just because I was over-sensitive about something she said doesn't mean I'm a bum who sits around in my pants all day long. Also, i think the attached could be applicable either way, not just for women. My work is demanding too and i carry responsibilities also that can be draining.
I fully recognise the demands because i take them on too. 

Honestly, your choice of language suggests otherwise. I would discuss household management as a couple. Who decides what needs done? Who decides who will do it? These are chores, just as much as the actual carrying out of physical tasks. With little ones, you need to be a team.

onwards&upwards

TwoUpTwoDown said:

BrassicWoman said:

This may help explain.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Thanks but to be clear, i do share the load with my partner. Just because I was over-sensitive about something she said doesn't mean I'm a bum who sits around in my pants all day long. Also, i think the attached could be applicable either way, not just for women. My work is demanding too and i carry responsibilities also that can be draining.
I fully recognise the demands because i take them on too. 

I think you need to talk about it and see if she agrees with that assessment.  

Two people both thinking they do plenty and work really hard, both silently feeling hard done by and unappreciated, is a recipe for resentment and upset. 

Talk about it, be receptive and willing to listen and accept that what she says is her truth and her experience and be open to changing things if it’s needed.  I’d give her the same advice if she were here!

Are you expected to work 15 hour days?  Do you usually?  Are you being paid for them? I work in the NHS and I’m not doing that! 

Comms69

onwards&upwards said:

If your partner is run ragged and you aren’t, then it does need some evening up!  Poor woman sounds exhausted, and maybe she thought having you at home would make her life easier and lockdown more pleasant, and has been disappointed? 

There’s a significant shift of dynamics. 

If this is the case- how about verbalising it?...

Comms69

BrassicWoman said:

TwoUpTwoDown said:

BrassicWoman said:

This may help explain.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Thanks but to be clear, i do share the load with my partner. Just because I was over-sensitive about something she said doesn't mean I'm a bum who sits around in my pants all day long. Also, i think the attached could be applicable either way, not just for women. My work is demanding too and i carry responsibilities also that can be draining.
I fully recognise the demands because i take them on too. 

Honestly, your choice of language suggests otherwise. I would discuss household management as a couple. Who decides what needs done? Who decides who will do it? These are chores, just as much as the actual carrying out of physical tasks. With little ones, you need to be a team.

Quick question. It seems as usually the OP is at work throughout the day, the partner maintains the household. - something I’m sure they’ve done for the benefit of the family unit. 

The OP therefore probably doesn’t have a daytime home routine like his partner does. 

So had the OP gone out for two hours, come in and said “oh did you sort out the transfer of stock from the Uxbridge location to Worcester? I was really hoping you had so I had one less thing to do.” The reaction I suspect would be “huh?!”.

pickledonionspaceraider

elsien said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Why does your wife feel under so much pressure, does she work outside of the house too? Is she trying to home school?

She wasn't being lighthearted. She was being passive aggressive and then manipulative, ie  why are you upset about it, it was only lighthearted? - as a way to absolve liability for having a swipe. Standard pent up behaviour 

Yes it was meant as a dig. But maybe it wasn't about the dishwasher.  People seem to be having all sorts of petty arguments that are growing out of proportion....Maybe she is very stressed out at the minute considering there is a world wide pandemic. This is causing a lot of people to really struggle

I think you need to talk to her.  Work on your communication .  It won't make her feel better, by making you feel crap (and vice versa) ...little snipes like that will not make you love a person any more

Sounds like housework is a real unneccesary drama in your house

I would let it go for  now - and try to get the kids in bed, get the wine out, and talk.

Or maybe she was just asking? I wouldn't automatically see that as being passive aggressive and calling it manipulative is an exaggeration from where I'm sitting. 
And yes I do think the OP is being oversensitive. But I wasn't there, so who knows?

Saying something, (asking about the dishwasher) and then saying it was 'only lighthearted'.....It is saying one thing and meaning another.

If it was a genuine question, there is no need to say it's lighthearted - it's a genuine question. There is nothing lighthearted or fun about asking if the dishwasher was emptied.

It is this comment 'it was only lighthearted' that changes it from a genuine inquiry to something else.

In your three line post, you go down the same route:
1 - You tell me I am wrong, and tell me I am exaggerating
2 - Then you offer offer your different opinion on the subject
3 - Then bow out 'But I wasn't there, so who knows...'

It is the same kind of thing, saying one thing, but then making a lighthearted 'release statement' comment after - either to avoid offence - as one wants to make a point but doesn't want any response, (like shutting a door on it) , or absolve oneself of having a snipe

Either way, one does it when one wants to make a point, but does not want any come back.  

OP it sounds to me like you do quite a lot too.  A lot of people are pointing the finger at you or dissecting your terminology...but I am wondering how she is coping when you are not there, then?

People who are not furloughed are often having to work even harder now as many companies are still expecting the same degree of output but with less workers available..and they are having to do this from home - many with children around. 

If the situation had been reversed, and a man had asked a woman if she had unloaded the dishwasher, people would be horrified......but no, you are a man, so you will get short shift. There is a degree of ism, on these boards, my dear.

 You don't rely on your partner to make lunches or iron your clothes, that is one up on many....at the weekends you do ALL of the cooking, ALL of the clothes washing...and are out of the house at 0630hrs during the week.

I think you do enough. You provide all the money and take on a huge chunk of the responsibility every weekend.

I do not really see how you can do any more.  I do not know what more is expected of you.