Am i overreacting?

TwoUpTwoDown

Hi all
Been working from home now since lock down. I'm classed as a key worker so been busier than ever if anything.
Problem is that since being home all the time, my partner and I have been arguing more and more. We are both quite sensitive people i guess so it's easy for us to become defensive. 
It felt like we had turned a corner as we had quite a big bust up earlier in the week but talked a lot through and seemed to be in a better place.

However today she popped out to do some shopping and i took a couple of hours out of work to look after the kids. When she got back we said hello and had a quick catch up on a few bits and then out of nowhere she said 'I don't suppose you emptied the dishwasher while i was out? I was hoping there would be one less thing for me to do when i got back.'
This took my by surprise and i have already issues from the past with anxiety based on my ex's constant expectations/treading on egg shells etc which may have triggered something. I had been playing with our 4 month old daughter while she was out as i dont get much time to see her in the day and having lunch so wasn't just bumming around.
My partner says she was being light hearted but she wasn't smiling particularly  when she said it and when i said she had upset me by her comments, she was happy to chat but she was going to continue doing housework whilst we talked (she doesnt have much of a window to get things done as we have two young children) but i felt disappointed that she wouldn't make time for me to talk this through. 

I have apologised to her in the case that i am being over sensitive about things but i just feel like her priorities are always house work (which i help out with too) and i can't help but question why her comments were necessary in the first place?

I'm probably just going mad or something so thank you for reading as i needed to talk about it and try to find some balance.

Thanks 

Comms69

You both need to work on your communication. Divide up chores more formally so that expectations are known and met.

It's common for there to be tension when there's a dynamic shift, but it's vital you keep talking. If the dishwasher was important she should mention it. 

Equally, work on yourselves and being so senstitive. A simpler response might be "oh no, but happy to help", rather than justifying why it wasnt done.

74jax

TwoUpTwoDown said:

..... and then out of nowhere she said 'I don't suppose you emptied the dishwasher while i was out? I was hoping there would be one less thing for me to do when i got back.'

Based on this, yes you are over reacting (I think). I'd have just replied a simple 'no, just been playing with xyz, did you get out nice whilst out' and seriously that would have been it.
Everyone is different though so to me yes it's an over reaction, but to you obviously not. 

pickledonionspaceraider

Why does your wife feel under so much pressure, does she work outside of the house too? Is she trying to home school?

She wasn't being lighthearted. She was being passive aggressive and then manipulative, ie  why are you upset about it, it was only lighthearted? - as a way to absolve liability for having a swipe. Standard pent up behaviour 

Yes it was meant as a dig. But maybe it wasn't about the dishwasher.  People seem to be having all sorts of petty arguments that are growing out of proportion....Maybe she is very stressed out at the minute considering there is a world wide pandemic. This is causing a lot of people to really struggle

I think you need to talk to her.  Work on your communication .  It won't make her feel better, by making you feel crap (and vice versa) ...little snipes like that will not make you love a person any more

Sounds like housework is a real unneccesary drama in your house

I would let it go for  now - and try to get the kids in bed, get the wine out, and talk.

elsien

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Why does your wife feel under so much pressure, does she work outside of the house too? Is she trying to home school?

She wasn't being lighthearted. She was being passive aggressive and then manipulative, ie  why are you upset about it, it was only lighthearted? - as a way to absolve liability for having a swipe. Standard pent up behaviour 

Yes it was meant as a dig. But maybe it wasn't about the dishwasher.  People seem to be having all sorts of petty arguments that are growing out of proportion....Maybe she is very stressed out at the minute considering there is a world wide pandemic. This is causing a lot of people to really struggle

I think you need to talk to her.  Work on your communication .  It won't make her feel better, by making you feel crap (and vice versa) ...little snipes like that will not make you love a person any more

Sounds like housework is a real unneccesary drama in your house

I would let it go for  now - and try to get the kids in bed, get the wine out, and talk.

Or maybe she was just asking? I wouldn't automatically see that as being passive aggressive and calling it manipulative is an exaggeration from where I'm sitting. 
And yes I do think the OP is being oversensitive. But I wasn't there, so who knows?

Mojisola

TwoUpTwoDown said:

However today she popped out to do some shopping and i took a couple of hours out of work to look after the kids. When she got back we said hello and had a quick catch up on a few bits and then out of nowhere she said 'I don't suppose you emptied the dishwasher while i was out? I was hoping there would be one less thing for me to do when i got back.'

I had been playing with our 4 month old daughter while she was out as i dont get much time to see her in the day and having lunch so wasn't just bumming around.

I have apologised to her in the case that i am being over sensitive about things but i just feel like her priorities are always house work (which i help out with too) and i can't help but question why her comments were necessary in the first place?

Do you think that she would probably have done what you had spent time doing but also emptied the dishwasher?

Do you say things like the bit in bold to her?  Partners who talk about 'helping out' with the chores and 'babysitting' their own children can drive the person who does all the chores to distraction.

Unless you have an agreement that all the household chores and childrearing is her job, you should be 'sharing' the jobs, not 'helping out'.

oystercatcher

So if you'd gone out for two hours what would your partner have done ? Emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, hung out the laundry and put another load on, vacuumed the living room,made a batch of cookies ..oh and had lunch and entertained the baby too !  Yes, you did bum around, so when questioned, admit you 'forgot' apologise and ask what needs doing. 
Life with two small children is busy , very busy and if you don't do things to a routine then it causes problems later, like no clean dishes or laundry or baby playing in dirt etc etc ....there is probably a routine to every day , learn it and take responsibility to do your share , OK so you're working but when you're not working you should be doing 'at least' 50% of the chores if not more. Take up the slack and give your poor stressed and exhausted partner a break .  doesn't matter that you're tired and want to chill, you can't because you have two small children and looking after them if just as hard for your partner as being at work is for you. So if you both take charge of the chores then they get done sooner and you can both relax. Don't expect her to tell you what to do all the time because that is almost as exhausting as doing everything herself learn to be proactive and get stuff done , then she will be happy with you and less stressed. 

Fireflyaway

I'm guessing by this that your partner feels she is doing more household tasks than you, or you are not being considerate in some way. You not emptying the dishwasher was probably interpreted by her as you couldn't be bothered because you assumed she would do it. Where as in reality, maybe you didn't realise or even think about it because you were busy doing something else. I think a lot of couples will be getting irritated. Roles have changed and there are new things to be worried about. Unless you have renegotiated who does what, I can see how misunderstanding can happen. Maybe just sit down when you are both calm and decide who does what. I can identify with how you feel. When my husband was unhappy with me I'd feel bad. It's natural that you seek approval from those you love. Try not to dwell on this particular incident. It's not crime of the century. I wouldn't be surprised if something stressed your partner and the dishwasher was the first outlet of stress. 

onwards&upwards

TwoUpTwoDown said:

 i just feel like her priorities are always house work (which i help out with too) 

Do you realise that when you say you 'help' with the housework, that it very strongly implies you think the housework is her responsibility and anything you do is a bonus?

suki1964

onwards&upwards said:

TwoUpTwoDown said:

 i just feel like her priorities are always house work (which i help out with too) 

Do you realise that when you say you 'help' with the housework, that it very strongly implies you think the housework is her responsibility and anything you do is a bonus?

Mr S nearly had a knife in his eye the other day after I had come in from work, cooked the dinner, put two washes on, done the dishes, and he said to me " Did you notice I polished the worktops for YOU"

BrassicWoman

This may help explain.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/