A whole new world

INFP

I’ve had a difficult split after being married for 17 years and whilst I am not officially divorced (separated for three years now), the experience I’ve had with my ex-husband has made me really cautious financially with my new beau and it is giving me anxieties.

Long story short, I am now renting (and have been renting for a good few years). Due to a series of circumstances, my ex-husband and I no longer own a home because about 10 years ago, he convinced me to sell up our house (I have always contributed to the household including paying for the bills and mortgage even though the properties were never in my name, just the husband’s plus when he bought it, the deposit was funded by the bank of mum and dad) and invest the money on something else. That investment still exists but it is under his Dad’s name which on the surface, looks like I won’t be able to claim for any of it. I can only assume if we had kept the house, it would have been easier for me to claim half of it especially on the basis of his adultery! 

I have no assets (apart from my pension and some savings) and have no children but I am happy as I have a good job and love being in my rented flat. I have even met someone new and we are blissfully happy and in love. We’ve travelled together many times and at one point, he even lived with me whilst he was in between places, for a month and we got on very well. He was respectful of my space, and contributed to the up keeping on the flat without me having to ask him (which was seriously lacking in my marriage!).

Over a year ago, my boyfriend bought a flat. On top of his mortgage, he has taken an additional £20K loan and £10K on credit card to pay for the extra work needed on the flat which includes a new kitchen etc. Currently he’s got a lodger to help him out with the finances. 

He’s now asked me to move in with him and it has taken me months to agree but now I  feel ready and am feeling excited about it. To be fair, he spends at least 4-5 nights a week with me in my rented flat instead of being at his. 

However, I can’t help having financial reservations. Given the experience I’ve had with my ex-husband, I worry that if things doesn’t work out with my current bf, and I am contributing to his mortgage and the extra loans, where would that leave me? As much as I trust him (like I trusted the ex-husband), my anxieties flares up thinking about how I’d be at the losing end, yet again, when things don’t work out. What happens in this situation? Isn’t it financially better for him to keep his lodger? 

I don’t mind paying the mortgage and half the bills but should I also contribute to the additional loan + credit card? Do I pay towards pulling down the asbestos covered shed etc? What happens when we adopt our furry kittens, who keeps them etc!? 

I would love to hear your experience prior to moving into your partner’s home and how you overcome any concerns. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks in advance,

INFP

Fireflyaway

I'm happy to hear you have found happiness! My advice would be to ensure you have some financial protection. I've been with my husband for 17 years but he recently left after a mental breakdown! I never thought that would happen. I have a job but it's a struggle financially as I'm the lower earner left in the family home. Just ensure you have a means of protection if it goes wrong. Day to day living I'd offer to contribute half towards house payment and bills. Just seems fair. Other projects such as the shed, I'm not sure. If it's his asset I'd say it's his responsibility. You want to pay you say but also have independence and protection. Life definitely can throw up things you never imagined! 

Retireby40

I don't get the worry as basically your paying rent to someone else anyway at the moment.

I would assume that if you move in with your boyfriend you will contribute towards the mortgage like you would pay renting your own pay. Nobody lives anywhere for free.

You would probably pay half the household bills. Just like you would pay 100% of the bills in rented accommodation.

If I were you I wouldnt be giving half the money for fixing structural things in the house or major work that may increase the value of the house or that generally makes the house how your partner wants it. The house needs a new microwave. Sure. Fridge. Probably. Building an extension or putting a new 20k kitchen in? Nope.

Never pay more than you should and always save money on the side so that if one day something goes wrong you are ready to move out and get your own place again.

Personally I would look at it as saving money as no doubt living with them will be cheaper than renting on your own. 

However dont go into this expecting that if things to wrong in a year or two you can make some claim against the house or something. People have an attitude that well I helped pay the mortgage for x amount of time, I own some of the house. Your money pays the landlords mortgage at the moment and you dont own any of the house. Treat this the same.

Oh and I word of advice. Have a spoken agreement before moving in regarding payments. So that both parties know what the other is expecting. Last thing you want to do is go with the flow.

Savvy_Sue

One thing I'd suggest is divorcing the ex ASAP and getting the finances sorted. That will be much harder further down the line with your new partner IMO. 

INFP

Fireflyaway said:

I'm happy to hear you have found happiness! My advice would be to ensure you have some financial protection. I've been with my husband for 17 years but he recently left after a mental breakdown! I never thought that would happen. I have a job but it's a struggle financially as I'm the lower earner left in the family home. Just ensure you have a means of protection if it goes wrong. Day to day living I'd offer to contribute half towards house payment and bills. Just seems fair. Other projects such as the shed, I'm not sure. If it's his asset I'd say it's his responsibility. You want to pay you say but also have independence and protection. Life definitely can throw up things you never imagined! 

Thank you @Fireflyaway and I'm sorry that to hear about your situation too. What is life without trials, aye. But I do know we can come out stronger. You're right though, I think if anything, my marriage has taught me to be even more financially secure in case anything does happen. I was too naive when I was younger and wasn't able to save until my ex-husband got a much more secure job. I was in a way supporting the both of us for so many years which is why I am probably still a little nervous about 'finances' with the current bf though deep down I know I have nothing to worry about - it's more me needing to get the chimp off my back so to speak. I am more than happy to contribute to the household for sure, I guess I am having the jitters now that it is 'real' and the relationship is going to the next level. 

INFP

Thank you @Retireby40. That's a great advice too. Best to have that mutual agreement right from the start. I wouldn't want to claim his flat should things go Pete Tong - I think it's more the 'now' - I wouldn't be paying less than my current rent or more so won't be saving from that perspective which I guess for a moment, did make me think surely it means I should be paying less because I know the mortgage is not that significant. I think in the bigger scheme of things, this is more about my insecurities. All those memories about how I lost I felt when the ex husband asked for divorce, realised that after nearly two decades of marriage, supporting him all those years when he wasn't working, and trying to hold everything together despite him cheating, and all for naught - they all came flooding back and I was in despair. I didn't know if I could afford being on my own but I did. I've only just felt like I have control of my life and my finances (and absolutely love where I live right now) so the thought of moving into a new chapter is scary. I am just afraid of finding myself back in that place of despair again. 

INFP

Savvy_Sue said:

One thing I'd suggest is divorcing the ex ASAP and getting the finances sorted. That will be much harder further down the line with your new partner IMO. 

Yes! I've seen people on the forum recommending Wikivorce so will be looking into that. I am going to apply for the divorce myself to save money. I am not going to ask for any money as I don't have the emotional strength and it'll end up being so costly. I wish there is a magic wand to make divorce simple and easy! Ideally, I would like that filed before moving in with the BF too. Don't really want to start a completely new chapter with a baggage so to speak. 

Retireby40

INFP said:

Thank you @Retireby40. That's a great advice too. Best to have that mutual agreement right from the start. I wouldn't want to claim his flat should things go Pete Tong - I think it's more the 'now' - I wouldn't be paying less than my current rent or more so won't be saving from that perspective which I guess for a moment, did make me think surely it means I should be paying less because I know the mortgage is not that significant. I think in the bigger scheme of things, this is more about my insecurities. All those memories about how I lost I felt when the ex husband asked for divorce, realised that after nearly two decades of marriage, supporting him all those years when he wasn't working, and trying to hold everything together despite him cheating, and all for naught - they all came flooding back and I was in despair. I didn't know if I could afford being on my own but I did. I've only just felt like I have control of my life and my finances (and absolutely love where I live right now) so the thought of moving into a new chapter is scary. I am just afraid of finding myself back in that place of despair again. 

I suppose as long as your partner is working and paying his own way (which he seems to be having one house and investing in another, people get loans all the time to upgrade houses and all etc).

You sound like you have your head screwed on. One thing life has taught me and I am relatively young is always have your own insurance. This can come in the form of another property ( in your case no, but mine yes)or a good bit of savings anything over 3-4k which can see you move out pay a deposit and pay a months rent upfront without too much problem.

You never want to rely on anyone so if you feel right moving in go for it. Life is short. But always have your own interests at heart to a degree. Never leave yourself vunerable to other peoples decisions. You cant control the future but you can set yourself up the best possible incase everything goes as you say "Pete tong".

I hope everything goes well for you!!

Socajam

I agree with everything that have been written so far.
My thoughts on finances:
 Do not have joint credit cards
Do not taken out any loans for him whatsoever
Make sure that you save up an emergency fund and a life happens fund - this WILL be your safety net.
Sit down and work out all the finances - mortgage/electricity/gas/internet/cable/council tax/water/food/holiday.  You really don't need to pay for a land line because you have your cell phone.
Maybe you could have a joint bank account where this money is deposited monthly - leaving whatever money is left for you to do your savings etc.
Have out side interests - like having a girl's night with your friends - this could be once or twice a month
Get that divorce sorted and ask for money - yes, you do not want too, but it's your right.  Aim high, and even if you end up with say 5,000, it's better than nothing, the money could be put towards your E/LH funds.
Good luck

boxer234

What has he suggested you pay ? You are paying rent anyway so it’s not a waste put you don’t want to be paying more than you are now.  I wouldn’t be paying towards his loan and credit card no.  

calleyw

Socajam said:

I agree with everything that have been written so far.
My thoughts on finances:
 Do not have joint credit cards

Going to pedantic now.  No such thing as a Joint Credit card there is always one main account holder and all the rest are additional card holders.  In other words don't give the person an additional card.  As the main account holder will always be liable for what is spent on the other cards.

Yours

Calley x