NOW OPEN. The MSE Forum's energy-themed Ask An Expert event is open for questions. Visit the dedicated board to ask MSE Gary & MSE Andrew about gas & electricity
Caring for live-in daughter on PIP. How much should she contribute?

18 Posts

One of my daughters has multiple health problems and had to return home to be cared for. After a couple of years we finally applied for benefits and she has now been granted enhanced PIP for 10 years, as well as the full UC payment. Her care does cost a little more than average because she needs special products and gluten-free food. When she lived with us once before, I found it impossible to know how much to ask her for. There are so many unknowns, like an added heater being plugged in night and morning (no central heating), extra washing etc. We just had a stairlift fitted for her, and she will be paying something towards that with her back pay. But she needs a new bed, and a new sofa a bit earlier than I would have bought one, and has been assuming she'll have to save up to buy these - of course I said no. It's so complicated! I've always been inclined to help all the kids out and overlook costs, but this is permanent, so we need an agreement. Thinking about money panics her too, so I need to be kind, gentle and clear. She's not grasping or controlling, we just neither of us have a clue. Does anyone have any experience/thoughts please?
0
This discussion has been closed.
Latest MSE News and Guides
Replies
I say this as a chronically ill, disabled adult living at home with my parents, just so you know where I'm coming from. (I contribute a third of my income - a third for housekeeping, a third to spend, a third to save. For me, larger purchases such as a new mattress do come under spending and/or having saved up. My parents are happy to help out where they can, but I feel that especially as I can't do anything else to help in the house, I want to be the least financial burden possible and maybe even help out with other household expenses to relieve some other financial pressure if possible.)
For things like furniture, one option you could consider is you paying for it all upfront and then your daughter 'paying you back' whatever she would have paid for it (either a contribution, or the whole lot), maybe over a few months or saving up to pay you back. [If you can afford that, of course, but I infer from your original post that you were considering paying for it anyway.]
You or she are welcome to PM me if you want to discuss anything specific, especially as it sounds like she and I are in reasonably similar situations.
I pay for all the food I choose myself and contribute to the cost of communal food in freezer, cupboard etc.
I pay the agreed amount of keep towards bills at Mums request. 70% goes towards gas/electricity and 30% towards water. I pay extra October-March due to heating, as I am home most days and Mum works full time.
I am self funding for everything else I need, big purchases are saved up for.
We have striven towards an arrangement which leans more towards adults living together than parent & child.
That is a good way of viewing it, adults living together rather than parent and child. Helpful for self-esteem to retain at least one form of independence, especially if one has no control over any other forms.
Thank you so much! That a very kind suggestion, and it means a lot. Sadly, she can't do things like that (message friends). She's very weak, with severely low energy levels, and lots of brain fog. And even knowing that I found you in trying to think about finances would be enough to cause anxiety that would overwhelm the ability to chat with you. It's sad, because healthy people don't understand how to reach out to her, so she's lost most friendship. But yes, thinking of it in terms of her paying a contribution, over time, makes a lot of sense. i'm feeling more able to have that conversation with her now, when she feels able. Thank you for your help and encouragement.
From that £22/week they'd buy their own clothes, sweets/treat/food requests, shampoo/toiletries, pay for their hair cuts, or anything else they wanted.
Ultimately though... it all depends on how much you've got/are prepared to fork out for and your ability to do so.
Anything joint like food shopping usually goes on my card (for points) and Mum sends me what she owes for her personal food and half the communal food.
That is the arrangement that works for us 😊
Maybe do some budgeting to see what the increased costs actually are and find a figure from there that you are both happy with.