Life After Lockdown

South_coast

I was going to suggest friends too - or maybe your parents if you wouldn't find that too weird?

Do you think there is a reason for him not wanting to go away, or is he just a real home-body? No need to answer on here, just maybe something to ponder on? 

Grogged

I apologise as I'm just some random internet person.
I think the above are good suggestions, but I think change is happening from what you're saying.

Sistergold

V8D said:

savingholmes: that makes sense, thank you. I have saved the pdf and will dip in and out of it. Being American everything is different to here and I know what I need to do, just sometimes have trouble actually doing it. 😂

Warning ... rant coming! 😂😂😂

Having this time to think isn't doing me a lot of good today. When I was growing up I was fortunate enough to see a lot of the world with my parents (they were and still are pretty much addicted to holidays!). I haven't been on a holiday since my honeymoon to Cornwall back in 2016 and that was the only holiday my husband and I have been on. Not because we couldn't find the money if we wanted to but because my husband never seems to want to be away from home and for some reason refuses to travel out of the country (don't really know why and we've been together 11 years this year). To be honest, he doesn't really want to travel within the country either. I've put this to the back of my mind for 10 years and didn't really think I was bothered about going on holiday. Today I was reading some travel articles and remembered how much I used to love seeing new places and how much I enjoyed being away and seeing a bit of the world when I went on a field trip when I did my surveying masters course. Very much doubt my husband is going to change so no real point to this but it would be nice to have some holidays. 

Also found he's spent just under £79 this month on model rail stuff. It comes out of PayPal and there was money to cover it so not linked to our accounts. This is a lot less than the £400 per month he was spending over Jan / Feb / March but I can't deny it somewhat annoys me especially as he tells me that I am the "spendy" one when he spends a lot of money on what my mum calls "a train set" (true 😂) and he constantly wants take aways / restaurant meals because he can't be bothered to cook. His reasoning for why I'm the spendy one always comes down to that I have a new XF (which normally my business pays for through claiming £0.45/mile) and an iPhone 11 Pro which my business also pays for and means I don't need a separate camera because the zoom is brilliant. I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy some new trainers and he was like "you've got some", yep that are 10 years old, covered in Hammerite with holes in the fabric or another pair of similar vintage with worn soles. Currently running 3/4 times a week, all my clothes are too big for me and my shoes are knackered. Don't think it's asking too much, eh? 😜

Not really much point to the rant as nothing is going to change, just wanted to get it out of my system and suppose its vaguely budget / money related! 😉

Hello
Hindsight is the best teacher. After 23 years of marriage when I left I realised I should have kept up with the things I loved. You can never regain the time and opportunities lost. With regards to travel, make arrangements to go on your own or with friends They could work? 

During this lockdown it’s a time to reflect and reset. Your husband is sticking to what he loves you also need to do the things you love. 

Don’t be made to feel guilty about the things you need to buy if they are a necessity. I see that you have lost a lot of weight and using very old trainers! Well done that is real determination. Now that you have proved to yourself that you are really serious about being healthy and exercising I think you really deserve a good pair of trainers as this will protect you joints and all, very important for good form and posture. 

Well done, you are an amazing girl! Keep it up.
If I may ask? I see you mention one income household? You also mention a husband, is he not in a position to contribute? 

SuperSecretSquirrel

I don't want to be that stranger with half a story going off at the deep end, but I found some of this to be somewhat concerning. I apologise in advance if your husband doesn't work due to illness or disability, or is retired and does actually have an income from pensions, etc, or once upon a time earned big and supported you at the time. I don't think any of that was detailed and missing information can make a huge difference, these are just my observations based on what has actually been posted...

I  nearly fell off my chair when I read his spending criticism while you are the only one bringing in an income. Spending regularly on a train set but begrudging you a sorely needed pair of trainers is totally unreasonable. Refusing to allow you to go on holiday is extremely selfish.

Since you're "the spendy one" treat yourself to a trip away without him when lockdown ends. I'd also be very tempted to give him a monthly allowance and if he wants more independence and more money to spend encourage him to get a job of his own.

Financial abuse is often perpetrated by the one not earning. I can't fathom how they get themselves to the position of calling the shots, but they do. You mentioned self esteem issues and a lot of your self worth being tied into your now diminished earning power. Could be related.

Apologies if any of this is unreasonable or out of line, I'm just an internet stranger who doesn't have access to all the facts, so if I'm way off the mark no harm done. I couldn't sit back and not say anything.

V8D

longway2go said:

Ohhh that sounds really hard and also frustrating when you are trying to budget. Not sure if it would work but is it possible to allocate a monthly amount each for you and him so that then you expect and budget for it and he can see that you are actually not spending on the things he classes as spend. 
The holiday thing is hard atm but potentially when things change could you maybe book a night away to see if that would help him come to the conclusion that time away is nice. 

I'm actually wondering if we need to do that. We've never lived to a set budget and I think it would help us greatly to perhaps come up with an amount each to spend on non-essentials. 🙂

Won't be booking anything at the moment with everything that's happening as it seems almost certain that it'll get cancelled but when things change, I might try looking for a nice weekend away somewhere. He did enjoy our honeymoon but was ready to come home at about the 10 day point. I asked him about it the other day and the crux of it seems to be he can't be bothered! As he doesn't work, I think everyday is a bit of a holiday for him doing what he wants so doesn't really see the point. 😂

Bargainhunter30 said:

I dont think I could cope without travel and holidays. At one point in my twenties I would go on holiday with anyone that could get time off 😂 have you thought about going away with friends or if none are free, looking into solo traveller trips, where you meet like minded people on an organised tour. I used to do these through ST@ travel, they do different age groups and styles. 
Also maybe a separate personal spends budget would be beneficial so you both get the same amount to spend each month with no judging. Hope you feel better soon x

I did half-jokingly say to a friend I'd be up for going on a long weekend to Berlin. 😂 My business partner is 67 and we have agreed to have 30 days holiday per year each I've got no idea how I will use mine and he's always telling me that I should take a proper break from work. Getting that now to be fair and am rather enjoying it! Will have a look at some of the ST@ trips too. 

Feeling quite a bit better yesterday and today, thank you. 🙂

V8D

South_coast said:

I was going to suggest friends too - or maybe your parents if you wouldn't find that too weird?

Do you think there is a reason for him not wanting to go away, or is he just a real home-body? No need to answer on here, just maybe something to ponder on? 

I wouldn't be opposed to the odd city break etc with my Mum but she won't leave my Dad on his own and he and I have never really got on so I think that's a no! Friends however is a possible. 

Think I've answered re my husband on the other post. 🙂

Grogged said:

I apologise as I'm just some random internet person.
I think the above are good suggestions, but I think change is happening from what you're saying.

Hi Grogged, now sure what you mean re change? Thank you. 

Sistergold said:

V8D said:

savingholmes: that makes sense, thank you. I have saved the pdf and will dip in and out of it. Being American everything is different to here and I know what I need to do, just sometimes have trouble actually doing it. 😂

Warning ... rant coming! 😂😂😂

Having this time to think isn't doing me a lot of good today. When I was growing up I was fortunate enough to see a lot of the world with my parents (they were and still are pretty much addicted to holidays!). I haven't been on a holiday since my honeymoon to Cornwall back in 2016 and that was the only holiday my husband and I have been on. Not because we couldn't find the money if we wanted to but because my husband never seems to want to be away from home and for some reason refuses to travel out of the country (don't really know why and we've been together 11 years this year). To be honest, he doesn't really want to travel within the country either. I've put this to the back of my mind for 10 years and didn't really think I was bothered about going on holiday. Today I was reading some travel articles and remembered how much I used to love seeing new places and how much I enjoyed being away and seeing a bit of the world when I went on a field trip when I did my surveying masters course. Very much doubt my husband is going to change so no real point to this but it would be nice to have some holidays. 

Also found he's spent just under £79 this month on model rail stuff. It comes out of PayPal and there was money to cover it so not linked to our accounts. This is a lot less than the £400 per month he was spending over Jan / Feb / March but I can't deny it somewhat annoys me especially as he tells me that I am the "spendy" one when he spends a lot of money on what my mum calls "a train set" (true 😂) and he constantly wants take aways / restaurant meals because he can't be bothered to cook. His reasoning for why I'm the spendy one always comes down to that I have a new XF (which normally my business pays for through claiming £0.45/mile) and an iPhone 11 Pro which my business also pays for and means I don't need a separate camera because the zoom is brilliant. I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy some new trainers and he was like "you've got some", yep that are 10 years old, covered in Hammerite with holes in the fabric or another pair of similar vintage with worn soles. Currently running 3/4 times a week, all my clothes are too big for me and my shoes are knackered. Don't think it's asking too much, eh? 😜

Not really much point to the rant as nothing is going to change, just wanted to get it out of my system and suppose its vaguely budget / money related! 😉

Hello
Hindsight is the best teacher. After 23 years of marriage when I left I realised I should have kept up with the things I loved. You can never regain the time and opportunities lost. With regards to travel, make arrangements to go on your own or with friends They could work? 

During this lockdown it’s a time to reflect and reset. Your husband is sticking to what he loves you also need to do the things you love. 

Don’t be made to feel guilty about the things you need to buy if they are a necessity. I see that you have lost a lot of weight and using very old trainers! Well done that is real determination. Now that you have proved to yourself that you are really serious about being healthy and exercising I think you really deserve a good pair of trainers as this will protect you joints and all, very important for good form and posture. 

Well done, you are an amazing girl! Keep it up.
If I may ask? I see you mention one income household? You also mention a husband, is he not in a position to contribute? 

Thank you! I think this time has definitely been an option to reflect and reset, sometimes that can be quite hard and sometimes it's liberating? I think I do need to just get on with some of the things I want to do but he isn't really interested in. We do have shared hobbies which is great, we actually met through being interested in the same things and for a long time worked together.

To be fair, I don't think my husband gets my reasoning behind wanting to get some new clothes / trainers. He's terrible with clothes and will keep them until they are literally falling apart so thinks I've got an obscene amount of clothes! I have to drag him out of the house to buy new shoes and he'll buy 2/3 pairs of the same type of shoe and wear them for years and years. 😂 "Nowt as queer as folk", so the saying goes round these parts!

Re my husband and earning, he's basically got no desire to work. At the moment he wants to get into property development if I save the deposit and cost to renovate somewhere but I'm not sure how serious he is. We used to have a business together (not property) but the minute I started getting work outside of that business (it was more a hobby that got out of hand and was great but didn't really make a lot) he stopped working. To be fair to him he admits he's too lazy! The ongoing joke from him is I have two pets: him and our Golden Retriever.

V8D

SuperSecretSquirrel said:

I don't want to be that stranger with half a story going off at the deep end, but I found some of this to be somewhat concerning. I apologise in advance if your husband doesn't work due to illness or disability, or is retired and does actually have an income from pensions, etc, or once upon a time earned big and supported you at the time. I don't think any of that was detailed and missing information can make a huge difference, these are just my observations based on what has actually been posted...

I  nearly fell off my chair when I read his spending criticism while you are the only one bringing in an income. Spending regularly on a train set but begrudging you a sorely needed pair of trainers is totally unreasonable. Refusing to allow you to go on holiday is extremely selfish.

Since you're "the spendy one" treat yourself to a trip away without him when lockdown ends. I'd also be very tempted to give him a monthly allowance and if he wants more independence and more money to spend encourage him to get a job of his own.

Financial abuse is often perpetrated by the one not earning. I can't fathom how they get themselves to the position of calling the shots, but they do. You mentioned self esteem issues and a lot of your self worth being tied into your now diminished earning power. Could be related.

Apologies if any of this is unreasonable or out of line, I'm just an internet stranger who doesn't have access to all the facts, so if I'm way off the mark no harm done. I couldn't sit back and not say anything.

Hi Squirrel, 🙂 

I think I've probably answered a few of the questions re my husband. He considers himself "retired" as in he doesn't ever want a job again apart from maybe overseeing some builders on a project house with a bit of a profit to be made at the end but apart from working with me on out former (unrelated to my current) business, he's never had another job and doesn't have any income of his own. We met just after he graduated in 2009 and he was looking for a job but we ended up starting up in business together (my idea). 

A lot of the time I do tend to go along with things outside of work as I don't want to end up having arguments. He'd not be angry or anything if I just went out and bought the trainers, so I don't feel there's any financial abuse going on. 🙂 Thank you for thinking of me though. 

Grogged

V8D said:

Grogged said:

I apologise as I'm just some random internet person.
I think the above are good suggestions, but I think change is happening from what you're saying.

Hi Grogged, now sure what you mean re change? Thank you. 

Sistergold said:
...lots of good stuff...

Thank you! I think this time has definitely been an option to reflect and reset, sometimes that can be quite hard and sometimes it's liberating? I think I do need to just get on with some of the things I want to do but he isn't really interested in.

By change I meant the above - you're reflecting and resetting lots in your life and doing some things differently than you have in the past.
It's all in the same life pot, so it's natural that everything comes under the microscope at some point.

kazwookie

I think your husband is too well off, you from what you write, you do all the work, do the house, need new things etc, he has you running around for him, and he seems to do nothing except play with trains and spends money.................

I had this sort of thing about 6 years ago so I went on strike, with out saying anything, I cooked / cleaned / washed / ironed/ shopped for myself and the cat........................... it took about 1 day for him to relise that there was  no food for him and about 10 days to have no clean clothes............................ things got better, but I very nearly chucked him out..........

Good luck

South_coast

Glad you've had some time to reflect. I can recommend Berlin too, I went there last year x