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The Big D...dilema

endoftheworld
endoftheworld Posts: 5 Forumite
First Post
I'm posting this anonymously for obvious reasons... long time poster otherwise.
We have been going through a challenging time recently and its all come to a fore. My wife wants a divorce. We have 2 wonderful children 4 and 8 years. I do still love my wife but she's adamant that she wants out. We own a house worth circa 450k and it has no mortgage. I've paid for the lions share of this not that that makes much difference. My wife works, but does not earn anywhere near me.

She has come to me asking me to leave the family home to her and the kids in full. She wants me to buy another home with my savings so I would be effectively starting again. We both want to avoid going legal for obvious reasons. She has said, she is willing to not claim spousal maintenance and not go after my pensions or savings. But I would pay child maintenance which is fine. I don't know exactly what my pensions are worth or even how to account for them in this scenario. What I guess I want to know is what is the common split of assets in these cases percentage wise? I have 100k savings she has 13 k. I earn 55k she earns anywhere between 10-15k.
We both want minimal disruption to the kids. They school locally and we always planned to be in a certain catchment. She also does a bit of work from home.

I've looked at options around her buying me out of the house, say 40 per cent, but there's no way she would get a mortgage....
What can I do, going out of my mind. Part of me says she wants the divorce so it's up to her. She doesn't want to sell the house tho. and the kids come first. I have tried so hard this past year to please her and the kids and I was even called husband of the year recently, but she says she's fallen out of love with me. It's a complete balls up and I think really she has depression or something but she just won't talk or seek professional help. Please help me someone....
I've tried numerous times to talk her around but to no avail. Do I have to agree to a divorce? I do want a happy home life so don't think that's even an option... 


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Comments

  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 35,918 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Savvy Shopper!
    One thing:
    her saying she's willing not to  claims maintenance isn't much of a bargaining chip.
    Spousal maintenance is very rare.

  • Fireflyaway
    Fireflyaway Posts: 2,766 Forumite
    Fifth Anniversary 1,000 Posts
    Maybe try another way. Be calm, don't beg her to stay, don't get angry or upset ( don't show it at least). Let her have some space and write her a letter. Explain you really care and are concerned about her. Let her know you would like to understand how she feels and why and would like to attend counselling to communicate better. Maybe she might reconsider your relationship but even if not, you might be able to at least be civil which is obviously important for the kids and if she is less angry she might be less demanding about the house / money etc. I'm guessing your wife feels angry. Even if you no longer get along with someone, I'm not sure why you would want to make life difficult for them. Unless you feel they have done you wrong. Unless you want them to sit up and listen or get revenge. See if you can get to the bottom of why she feels this way. My husband has poor mental health. It's very hard to say anything to him when he is down. Even a compliment can be taken as criticism. Try to be patient. 
  • Gavin83
    Gavin83 Posts: 8,757 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    You really need to work out the value of your pensions. Without knowing this there's no way of saying what is and isn't a good deal. Does she have any pension?

    In regards to your other question you can delay a divorce but ultimately you can't force someone to remain married to you. The divorce will go through even if you don't want it to.
  • Maybe try another way. Be calm, don't beg her to stay, don't get angry or upset ( don't show it at least). Let her have some space and write her a letter. Explain you really care and are concerned about her. Let her know you would like to understand how she feels and why and would like to attend counselling to communicate better. Maybe she might reconsider your relationship but even if not, you might be able to at least be civil which is obviously important for the kids and if she is less angry she might be less demanding about the house / money etc. I'm guessing your wife feels angry. Even if you no longer get along with someone, I'm not sure why you would want to make life difficult for them. Unless you feel they have done you wrong. Unless you want them to sit up and listen or get revenge. See if you can get to the bottom of why she feels this way. My husband has poor mental health. It's very hard to say anything to him when he is down. Even a compliment can be taken as criticism. Try to be patient. 
    Thanks for that. I have done this. I wrote her a sincere letter on the weekend and done so before. We've had ups and downs like most marriages and she first mentioned divorce about a year ago. I've seen the errors of my ways and tried to address them and I believe I have. She has continued to act cold towards me and yes a lot of the time I do get a sense of anger from her. She had a pretty rough time with a job and in all honesty I think alot of her sleepless nights and anxiety issues are root caused to this. But she won't have it and blames me. She's lost contact with most of her friends and in all  honesty is not a happy person most of the time.  I still love her though and want to be with her forever but it's not mutual I'm sad to say. On the the positive side we are amicable at the moment and even had a couple of cuddles amongst the tears... She wants to work out a solution with me so that's something I guess.
  • CRANKY40 said:
    From what I've seen elsewhere your wife could agree not to go after your pension now but still do so at a later date. Getting legal advice doesn't mean that you then have to engage a solicitor, it just means that you have paid someone to point out to you all of the things that have the potential to be very expensive mistakes.

    What about an agreement whereby you agree to let your wife and children stay in the house for now with the option to sell and split the proceeds at an agreed time in the future (until the youngest child finishes the educational year when they turn 18 would be a good point to start negotiations maybe)?
    Thanks that's a good suggestion. I have had a consultation with a solitor already and they did mention possibility to defer so that could be a possibility here. It won't stop me being saddled with a large mortgage for the next 14 years but that might be something I just have to accept. 
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 36,488 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    edited 12 March 2020 at 8:59PM
    If she's working, then spousal maintenance is very unlikely to be a consideration.
    You also need to take any savings and pension she has into account as part of the settlement agreement. The starting point is 50/50 with adjustments for individual circumstances. 
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • Gavin83 said:
    You really need to work out the value of your pensions. Without knowing this there's no way of saying what is and isn't a good deal. Does she have any pension?

    In regards to your other question you can delay a divorce but ultimately you can't force someone to remain married to you. The divorce will go through even if you don't want it to.
    Thanks, I'm collecting the pension Info. It's not massive amounts to be fair if it's the value as at today.
    I fear we've already been in the delay stage for sometime and that's probably why she feels so frustrated regardless of my efforts.

  • elsien said:
    If she's working, then spousal maintenance is very unlikely to be a consideration.
    You also need to take any savings and pension she has into account as part of the settlement agreement. The starting point is 50/50 with adjustments for individual circumstances. 
    Thanks, do you know if they can 'backdate' spousel maintenance. As she has mothered two children her career could arguably have been held back as a result. 
    Ultimately we want to keep this out of the courts but I'm just trying to get a temperature of what 'fair' looks like. Her getting 100% of the equity of our house doesn't feel fair to me so I'd love to know what is the average in this kind of scenario. The solicitor I spoke to said they always start off at 50 50 but I think they were trying to drum up business if you know what I mean.
  • Kynthia
    Kynthia Posts: 5,692 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 13 March 2020 at 8:30PM
    The starting point is 50/50 but if her earning power has been compromised or if it is what's best for the children, she could get a higher percentage.

    You cant look at is as her getting 100% of the equity. You need to add up both your savings, both your pensions, cars, all equity, etc, then you each get approximately half of that total. So if the equity was £450k, your savings £100k, your pension £200k and hers £50k and there was nothing else that would give a total of £800k of marital assets. If she kept the house and her pension that would be £500k out of the £800k, 62.5%. Legal advice could tell you whether that percentage was reasonable and if not perhaps she could get a small mortgage.

    So without knowing the value of both your pensions and other assets you cant proceed.

    Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!
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