Advice wanted re: Cat, Divorce and Moving Far Away... :-(

DD265

We're in your mum's shoes, with my sister moving in with us, but the three cats (two ours, one hers) are all pretty laid back. I think we're going to see how it goes, but will need a plan B. A cattery is a good backup plan, though sister's cat spent a long time in rescue so none of us want to see him back in that situation, and we're talking months rather than weeks. My sister's cat is currently allowed to roam, though doesn't go out much, and ours aren't, so that's a complication. If we were going to put a catflap in it'd be a microchip one as they're great.

My concern is less about them not getting on, and more what if they don't get on and by trying, we upset something and that continues after we separate them. Or what if he settles in really well then gets moved on again? It's definitely a worry!

We'll be starting the feliway diffusers at both houses this week; we've got a month before she needs to be out...

Marmaduke123

What's going to be the least stressful for your cat? Doesn't sound as if it will be moving in with your Mum! Maybe leave him with your ex until you have a quiet, cat free environment for him, even if it means him having to be an indoor cat for a while.

SensibleSarah

I would move into your mum's with your cat - keep him in your bedroom (assuming you will have one i.e. not staying on the sofa) for the first week. Try gradual intros with the other 2 cats and give it a chance to work together after that. Knowing my cats - they would be far happier being in a not ideal situation with me, than in a not ideal situation without me. Yes it may be stressful for a bit - but I think it would be more stressful for him being elsewhere and you being worried about him the whole time. 
The catflap situation can be managed either with a chip catflap or simply by him being shut away in your room when you're not there to supervise. I've never gone by the 8 week thing personally - but that does depend on the individual cat in my opinion. 

Fireflyaway

Could you find a cat sitter? When we went away I didn't want our timid little cat to be sad in a cattery so I asked a colleague to have her. It was a nice experience for both of them! Derek is going to have to move and move again regardless, so having a cat sitter would at least lessen the worry of him not getting on with your mums cats. Sorry you are going through this. It's all still so recent but in time things will get better. 

martin2345uk

Hi all,
thanks for all the replies - I did read them! But circumstances kind of took over, and so this is the current situation:

• I am living with my elderley mum and her 2 cats in Essex helping her do stuff following surgery to cut some cancer out of her foot and I am furloughed from work
• My "ex" husband is living with his new bloke in Sandbach and his bloke's 2 cats
• Derek the cat is living in our empty house in south Manchester and my ex is going in every day to feed him (ex is a nurse so is still going to work daily, our house is almost on the way for him).

I miss Derek so much. I make my husband give me updates, whether he saw him, whether he spent some time with him, whether his ladycat friend Grace is with him (she often is).

Once lockdown is over I plan to rent a place down here in Essex and have Derek live with me.

But meanwhile I have to ask you guys for advice again... as an independent outdoor cat, would Derek be more content staying where he is for now getting fed every day.. or would he be happier if I go get him and bring him down to mum's? I am trying to set aside my own feelings (I want him with me so much) and trying to think what a cat would prefer - he would not be able to go out here, at least not for a while (I am taking no risks him getting lost in a strange place), but he would have me...

I fall asleep every night worrying about the situation 

Hope everyone is ok in these crazy times

kazwookie

Get Derek and have him with you as soon as possible, it cannot be good for him being on his own in an empty house, even if your ex does visit once a day.

martin2345uk

Yeah that’s the way my mind is going. 

I think I’ll start a new thread for advice on how to introduce a nervous cat into a household with one even more nervous cat and one big fat one...!

Pollycat

Does Derek still have access to outdoors at the house in Manchester?

If he comes and goes, can you trust your ex to be truthful about whether he has seen Derek or not?

And if Derek comes and goes and doesn't have a unique device to access the cat flap (i.e. that lets him in but keeps other cats out), how does your ex know who is eating the food being put out?

If Derek is being kept in, I don't think that's fair to a cat used to having access to outdoors.

I would definitely go and collect him - you will need to consider how you are going to handle the situation if the police stop you and ask why you are travelling.

CJDogsbody

Does your mum's house have a garden?  If so could you build a cat pen outside and let the cats take turns in it?  Or even, if big enough, have two sides so that the cats could see each other but not get to each other and still get some outdoor time?

Then let your cat sleep in a large crate in your bedroom until they have sorted themselves out?

I wouldn't hold my breath in terms of selling your old house while lockdown is going on, or probably for some time afterwards since everyone's finances have taken a bit of a blow.  Why not consider renting it out until the market sorts itself out?  Unless you or your ex want to buy the other out?

martin2345uk

Pollycat said:

Does Derek still have access to outdoors at the house in Manchester?

If he comes and goes, can you trust your ex to be truthful about whether he has seen Derek or not?

And if Derek comes and goes and doesn't have a unique device to access the cat flap (i.e. that lets him in but keeps other cats out), how does your ex know who is eating the food being put out?

If Derek is being kept in, I don't think that's fair to a cat used to having access to outdoors.

I would definitely go and collect him - you will need to consider how you are going to handle the situation if the police stop you and ask why you are travelling.

Hi,

Yes he still has outdoor access in Manchester, and yes my ex is being truthful as he sometimes sends me little photos and videos of Derek.

He will have to be kept inside at mum's though for quite a while, he's a bit of a wanderer and I don't want him getting lost in an area he doesn't know..

Yeah the police thing - I think I would just say I am going to get my cat as the person feeding him has had to self-isolate... it's a white lie, but not sure what else I could do :-/