Moving away from family

whitesatin

I’ve lived in England for many years, had my family here and have 5 grandchildren that I’ve looked after weekly till they started school.  I now find myself hankering after moving back to my home town, 400 miles away.  I find that the children and grandchildren have busy lives so I don’t see them as often, understandably.  It’d be easy to take a train back on a regular basis, although I realise I’m not getting any younger, at 68.  My husband (not their dad/granddad but much involved), is up for a move but worried about whether we would be sorry later.  One idea we’ve come up with is that we sell up here and buy something cheaper there (still getting a good house as prices are cheaper up north), and pay for an extension to be built on my son’s house for occasional use by us but they could use in our absence, all legally done, of course.  

We could buy a small flat near where we are but seems daft to run an empty flat.
is this whole idea full of pitfalls before I mention it to my son and his wife?

Sea_Shell

Will you expect your families to visit/care for you more as you get older?

Will they feel obligated to do so?

whitesatin

Who knows the answer to that one?  I’d hope not to need care and certainly wouldn’t want anyone to feel obligated.  So many things could happen, as have happened recently, to show how life can change in an instant.  Can one put off one’s dreams for fear of the future that we have no control over?  This is the dilemma.

kazwookie

Do what your heart is telling you.

If you do move, make good use of skype , whats app and such like to keep in touch

Pollycat

whitesatin said:

Who knows the answer to that one?  I’d hope not to need care and certainly wouldn’t want anyone to feel obligated.  So many things could happen, as have happened recently, to show how life can change in an instant.  Can one put off one’s dreams for fear of the future that we have no control over?  This is the dilemma.

And one only you can solve.
But I really do think you're jumping the gun by considering an extension on someone else's house without even talking about the move first with your family.
You don't need their blessing - it seems pretty clear that you & your partner want to do it - but you're thinking about things that impact on other people and it's only courteous to talk to them asap
Re the extension:
what if there is a rift in the family and you have put money into a property owned by people who no longer talk to you?  Or if your son and Dil split up and want/need to sell the house? (don't say it won't happen - lots of people have said the same).
I'd get the family's reaction first and then take it from there.
But yes, you do need to get it legally done if that's the way you go.

comeandgo

If you want to do it, go for it.  If it does not work out you can always move back south but I would not go adding extensions to someone else's house.  Would you look at staying in hotel if nobody has room for you?  Some premier inns have rooms from £29 on a good day.

Ladybird2

Could you do a year or six month rental back in your home town? That way you would get a good feel for how life would be so far from your family and also whether your home town still feels like home. 

This would also be a much cheaper option than selling up and buying.

whitesatin

I do appreciate your responses, just what I asked for.  Re marriage break ups, just been through it with my daughter recently so very real.  Re hotels, interesting thought tho I have family and friends here I could stay with, especially if providing child care in the school hols.
Looking at all aspects really.  Husband won’t commit to buying a small place up there and keeping our house here.  We own it outright and he doesn’t want to borrow against it.

onwards&upwards

Either move or don’t move.  Don’t even think about asking your child to adapt their home to create a spare room for you.  It’s too big an ask and you’d be putting them in an awkward position, even if you want to pay. 

If you move away, just don’t be that person who then moans that people don’t visit enough, and make your own new connections and friendship groups in your home town, don’t rely on family alone. 

TBagpuss

I like Ladybird's suggestion - look at renting for a while in your hometown and see how you feel.
You mentioned that you might be able to buy a house in your hometown and a flat where you live now - would the opposite work, if you wanted to? A smaller house locally and a flat up north, so you could split you time between the two?

yllop1101

You sound like my grandma, who 10 years ago, moved over 200 miles back to her home town because she felt she was surplus to requirements now us grandchildren had 'grown up' (we actually left for university or were working our first jobs).

Fast forward 10 years and she's lonely, rarely has visitors as we struggle to find the time (and money) to drive all the way over to spend a weekend with her (we would have to get a hotel), and recently, somewhat luckily whilst down visiting us all over Christmas, she had a stint in hospital which made us all and her think how disaterous it would be if she got ill when back at hers as its just so far.

We are properly grown up now, approaching ours thirties, getting married, perhaps children on the way soon, and I think she really regrets it now. She moved away thinking she wasn't needed when in reality we were at a transitional phase of our lives where (rightly or wrongly) visiting your grandma in the next town wasn't top priority. We all appreciate her a lot more now and are in a place in our lives where if she was nearby we would see her more.

I guess from this what I'm suggesting is don't jump the gun and do think ahead to the future about what things you may miss out on if you do move a long way away. Things don't stay the same forever and I can't imagine why someone would want to be so far away from their family (assuming relationships were generally positive)