Sort out finances after wife lost her job.

Pollycat

durzoblint wrote: »

This is one of the reasons i've been reluctant to take it out on her, in addition to not being able to get a job, she is also struggling with not being able to concieve after several years (i know its ironic because we technically cannot afford a baby at the moment)

As a poster has said above, in normal circumstances i should be able to afford both our upkeep but our previous overspending has prevented this.

I don't think anyone has suggested that you 'take it out on her'.
But she does need to face reality.
It's doing neither of you any good by her agreeing with you about your situation, then going back to spending money that almost certainly isn't necessary and - even worse - being dishonest by hiding the fact she is spending money that you haven't got.
That's a betrayal of your trust.

The new information about not being able to conceive does throw up a different situation entirely.

Do you think she could be depressed?
Being pretty much made redundant and having trouble conceiving are not small things to cope with.
But it sounds like she liked to spend before those things happened.
Maybe those issues have simply exacerbated her spending to compensate.

I suggest she takes herself off to her doctor to discuss these issues that may be contributing to her seemingly obsessive spending habits.
If you think she will be honest about things.


ETA:
I think she's very lucky to have you.
I hope she comes to realise that soon.

onwards&upwards

durzoblint wrote: »

This is one of the reasons i've been reluctant to take it out on her, in addition to not being able to get a job, she is also struggling with not being able to concieve after several years (i know its ironic because we technically cannot afford a baby at the moment)

As a poster has said above, in normal circumstances i should be able to afford both our upkeep but our previous overspending has prevented this.

You absolutely can afford a baby! :eek: There’s another reason to get on top of the debt and overspending though, if you get your finances into good shape you will be in the fortunate position of being able to spend money on fertility treatment should it be needed.

Is your wife getting any counselling or support with her mental health?

MidsHollie

As a priority, your wife MUST go out and get a job, any job. The wages don't matter too much in this situation, she needs to have some purpose, some drive and some positivity. If she resigned before she was going to be fired due to performance issues, then I'm sure her job wasn't a nice situation be in for a while up until the point she resigned. I'm assuming that she was probably in quite a high flying job before. She needs to draw a line under that and go and get some work that gets her out of bed everyday and gets her interacting with people. As an example, I work as a professional in healthcare. If I was in her position, I would either go and get a job in healthcare that required no qualifications, or in a caf!/retail environment. Immediately. Any job is better than nothing right now. Even volunteer work (you would just need to cut down your expenses further as has already been suggested to manage the cost of volunteering). Having a purpose to your day does wonders to your mental wellbeing and I'm sure would have a positive affect on her ability to join you in this journey.
I also suggest that you model really effective money saving behaviours. I assume that the two HP items are cars. Get rid of your car. For every trip where you used to drive, use public transport. Make sure you are taking your own lunches to work. No takeaway coffees. Never eat out. Show her how committed YOU are to this.
I agree with the other posters who have suggested she may be depressed. You will not fix this by telling her what to do. There is lots of "I" and "her" in your story. She needs a team mate right now. You need to meet in the middle, share everything and support her out of this. It will not happen magically overnight. Good luck. I really feel for your wife right now...

gemini12

If your wife is depressed and it does sound like it she needs an urgent GP appointment. I would suggest you make it and take her so you can put your two pennyworth to the doctor (and ensure she does go) even if you then leave the room so she can talk to him or her freely. I always attended my OH appointments with him and with his agreement as it is sometimes helpful to the doctor to hear a third party view of progress ot lack of it. You need her on board with your debt busting and protecting her from the stark truth doesnt help. I tried this and the spending didnt stop it was only when I spelt it out in words of one syllable that the truth hit home. He still spends but at least now he asks before he does it and if he is asked to hang on a week or two he knows why.

I would also agree she needs an occupation whatever it is not only for the money but for her self esteem and mental health.

Good luck with your debt free journey. and I hope your wife get on board soon.

Verityspinelli

gemini12 wrote: »

If your wife is depressed and it does sound like she is.

Let’s not get carried away and start making a diagnosis of depression because she is out of work and spending money, some people just like to spend money, when people are depressed there are many other signs which to be fair her husband would be aware of.
While her husband is still covering her charges then why should she change (would anybody who’s got somebody else in charge of worrying about the debt change?) probably not.
She may however have a problem with spending but that’s nothing to do with depression, spending is a way of life for some people, especially when they have been living a good lifestyle for some time. The OP needs to get his wife on board with helping them out of this situation not being told it sounds like she’s depressed, how about she just liked her lifestyle and doesn’t see why she has to stop living it. (Until of course the s*** really hits the fan)

I wish you luck OP I know you said you’ve both been liable for racking up the debt but you both need to get out of this hole as soon as possible and to be fair with a little bit of shared effort that is entirely possible.

durzoblint

MidsHollie wrote: »

I also suggest that you model really effective money saving behaviours. I assume that the two HP items are cars. Get rid of your car. For every trip where you used to drive, use public transport. Make sure you are taking your own lunches to work. No takeaway coffees. Never eat out. Show her how committed YOU are to this.
I agree with the other posters who have suggested she may be depressed. You will not fix this by telling her what to do. There is lots of "I" and "her" in your story. She needs a team mate right now. You need to meet in the middle, share everything and support her out of this. It will not happen magically overnight. Good luck. I really feel for your wife right now...

I have already started making changes to my behaviours as a way of setting an example. i'm required to travel around the country for work, including hotel stays but this is all covered by my company, one of the reasons i need a car.

Her car's HP is ending pretty soon and we will not be getting another one on HP.

maman

I can see that your wife has various issues but retail therapy really isn't the answer. When she sites other couples who manage with a lower salary and children, she can't know whether they have debts, live frugally or even handouts from family. What is true is that you could easily live well on your salary but not if she continues to spend (which she can't fortunately at the moment) and while you have debts to pay off.

I didn't like the sound of you eating out because you couldn't think what to have at home. I need to look at your SoA again but food shopping is often somewhere to save. Unless you have very limited freezer space then you can buy bread in advance. Top up shops can be very expensive. Do you have an Aldi or Lidl nearby?

durzoblint

maman wrote: »

I can see that your wife has various issues but retail therapy really isn't the answer. When she sites other couples who manage with a lower salary and children, she can't know whether they have debts, live frugally or even handouts from family. What is true is that you could easily live well on your salary but not if she continues to spend (which she can't fortunately at the moment) and while you have debts to pay off.

I didn't like the sound of you eating out because you couldn't think what to have at home. I need to look at your SoA again but food shopping is often somewhere to save. Unless you have very limited freezer space then you can buy bread in advance. Top up shops can be very expensive. Do you have an Aldi or Lidl nearby?

Yes, we have an Aldi nearby. I will be experimenting with a grocery shop once i get paid and update the SOA with the new figures.

onwards&upwards

durzoblint wrote: »

Yes, we have an Aldi nearby. I will be experimenting with a grocery shop once i get paid and update the SOA with the new figures.

Just watch out for that middle aisle! You can go in for milk and come out with a chainsaw and a gazebo.

maman

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Just watch out for that middle aisle! You can go in for milk and come out with a chainsaw and a gazebo.

:rotfl:

durzoblint wrote: »

Yes, we have an Aldi nearby. I will be experimenting with a grocery shop once i get paid and update the SOA with the new figures.

That's good. Aldi have really upped their game in the last few years. It's now possible to do almost a full shop there. I'm a convert. I find it's only occasional odd things I need to go to Sainsburys for.

I looked back at the SoA, you're spending £450 between eating out and groceries, definitely room for saving. If you like bubbles, try Aldi Cremant it's lush.