Sort out finances after wife lost her job.

StartingAgainAt29

I have to say your comments about your wife are worrying...how do you know she's not going to undo your hard work? It would be heartbreaking for you to put all this effort in if there's only one of you taking it seriously. The fact she's already started to spend her salary frivolously is frightening. Do you have an ideal life in mind, something aspirational that you could work towards? Like, once all the debt is gone, you could go on a huge holiday, or buy a holiday property, or whatever. Is there something that you think would make her buckle down and take this seriously? I'm sure she's a lovely person, I just worry for you that you're trying to undertake this journey on your own and it will be a lonely journey for you

durzoblint

StartingAgainAt29 said:

I have to say your comments about your wife are worrying...how do you know she's not going to undo your hard work? It would be heartbreaking for you to put all this effort in if there's only one of you taking it seriously. The fact she's already started to spend her salary frivolously is frightening. Do you have an ideal life in mind, something aspirational that you could work towards? Like, once all the debt is gone, you could go on a huge holiday, or buy a holiday property, or whatever. Is there something that you think would make her buckle down and take this seriously? I'm sure she's a lovely person, I just worry for you that you're trying to undertake this journey on your own and it will be a lonely journey for you

I think you do have a point here, the last we were both able to put our heads down and save was when we were saving for the deposit on our current house. So maybe another "project" is long due. The cycle of save, spend , debt has gone on for quite a bit, mostly because she tends to have fixed term contracts and then goes out of work for periods. This is the best time for us to shore up our finances and i admit i can't do it without her help. 

Andyjflet

Listen to Dave Ramsey, he's a big advocate of the Baby Steps but it wont work while you are working on this seperately, The biggest cause of divorce apart from cheating is money, You'll end up sick and tired of fighting against this to get straight and its not fair. THink how great it would be if you both tackled this together, why is she still spending ?
Look out for Dave Ramsey on podcasts and You Tube, changed my life....

Pollycat

You are paying 19% and 20% interest on 2 c/c accounts that you owe £11,300 on.

Given your alleged £4,500 per month left over, you could clear that debt in less than 3 months.

durzoblint said:

Andyjflet said:

I personally think you are going about this the wrong way. Why would you save money when you have debts to pay off ?
Put £1000 away as an emergency fund then snowball the consumer debt from smallest balance to largest. 

I realise that might seem strange, but at the moment i've decided to leave the debts as mine and "hers". My wife having more disposable income means she will spend it. SInce her credit card got cancelled 2 months ago, i've learnt that she has re-activated a new one. 

You've learned...

Did she tell you before she got a new card or did you find out?

Unfortunately, I think that until she realises she's not got unlimited funds to spend on 'whatever' and accepts that there should be financial transparency between you, you'll always have her financial troubles on your shoulder.

You'll be 'agressively battling your debts' and she'll be running hers up behind your back.

durzoblint

I'll be paying off my credit card in full next month. My main issue is what to do with hers. I have the suspicion that if I help to pay hers off, then she will be free to accrue more debt or spend all her disposable income on frivolous stuff again. 
Ideally, I'd like to get into a position where if her job isn't extended after the 12 months, our finances are in a position where I can easily take on all the household expenses sans debts. 

Pollycat

durzoblint said:

I'll be paying off my credit card in full next month. My main issue is what to do with hers. I have the suspicion that if I help to pay hers off, then she will be free to accrue more debt or spend all her disposable income on frivolous stuff again. 
Ideally, I'd like to get into a position where if her job isn't extended after the 12 months, our finances are in a position where I can easily take on all the household expenses sans debts. 

Shouldn't it be her main issue?

Doesn't this woman have any financial responsibility?

Doesn't she have any respect for you?

I've lived with a spendthrift.

They don't change.

Hence the past tense.

aznlayer

Hi Mate 

Iv read your diary and just wanted to say you're doing really well, and more importantly, this problem is completely fixable because you're in control (now). I was in a similar position to you but with a lower income and I will never forget the feeling of worry and regret. You can change things over though. You will be so surprised how little you can get away with spending, and you will actually enjoy your life more (mark my words on that) - the less you spend and consume, the more you get out of life. So what I am trying to say, is that this is actually a positive journey. 

I was similar to how you were in regards to credit cards, loans and spending money. I went from a position of having unsecured debts of about £30,000 - to then purchasing my home and paying the mortgage off in 6 years. My direct debts now amount to less than £420 per month. We now spend half of what we earn. I'm not bragging, but its important for you to know that the past doesn't define the sort of life you can have tomorrow. 

You should also take a deep look at your lifestyle and think carefully about what you want and what you enjoy. You may find that you are spending a lot (and going out) out of habit more than getting actual pleasure from it. (But then by all means, spend on what matters to you). 

I'm sorry if this sounds patronising mate, but also just be mindful about all that advertising and social-media and just create a world that you want. Again, I just want to stress that I have been exactly where you have so I am not taking the moral high-ground. 

All the best! 

Pollycat

aznlayer said:

Hi Mate 

Iv read your diary and just wanted to say you're doing really well, and more importantly, this problem is completely fixable because you're in control (now). I was in a similar position to you but with a lower income and I will never forget the feeling of worry and regret. You can change things over though. You will be so surprised how little you can get away with spending, and you will actually enjoy your life more (mark my words on that) - the less you spend and consume, the more you get out of life. So what I am trying to say, is that this is actually a positive journey. 

I was similar to how you were in regards to credit cards, loans and spending money. I went from a position of having unsecured debts of about £30,000 - to then purchasing my home and paying the mortgage off in 6 years. My direct debts now amount to less than £420 per month. We now spend half of what we earn. I'm not bragging, but its important for you to know that the past doesn't define the sort of life you can have tomorrow. 

You should also take a deep look at your lifestyle and think carefully about what you want and what you enjoy. You may find that you are spending a lot (and going out) out of habit more than getting actual pleasure from it. (But then by all means, spend on what matters to you). 

I'm sorry if this sounds patronising mate, but also just be mindful about all that advertising and social-media and just create a world that you want. Again, I just want to stress that I have been exactly where you have so I am not taking the moral high-ground. 

All the best! 

I think the OP is in control of his finances.

The problem appears to be his wife who - despite not working - continued to spend secretly on credit cards.

And lied about the extent of her debt.

aznlayer

They are sitting down and talking about finances. The OP's wife may not be perfectly on board this very minute, but they are talking and positive steps are being taken. She may need more time to come round, but there is little more OP can do but to carry on. 

Pollycat - you have constantly made the point that his wife is to blame for this. Well done for highlighting that once more in my post, but I think the OP realises your point now. 

Pollycat

aznlayer said:

They are sitting down and talking about finances. The OP's wife may not be perfectly on board this very minute, but they are talking and positive steps are being taken. She may need more time to come round, but there is little more OP can do but to carry on. 

Pollycat - you have constantly made the point that his wife is to blame for this. Well done for highlighting that once more in my post, but I think the OP realises your point now. 

I've not posted anything that isn't true.

For a long time, the OP made excuses for his wife and her dishonesty.

I'm not sure he isn't still doing so.

I wasn't sure the OP wanted to hear things that weren't true.

But if you do...

The OP has been honest about his wife's profligate spending and her reluctance to stop, I think we owe it to him to be honest back.

As I said:

I've lived with someone like the OP's wife.

Spending money we hadn't got on 'stuff' that wasn't necessary, wasn't even useful.

Hiding the existence of credit cards, hiding statements that became increasingly threatening.

If someone had told me - whilst I was in the middle of trying to sort the messes out - that I was in control whilst my husband still had a credit card that I'd just learned he had - I'd have laughed at their naivety.

Out of interest - was your partner on board with the changes necessary to turn your finances around from a £30k debt to buying your own home?

Because if he/she was, then you're comparing apples and elephants as far as the OP and his wife is concerned.