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Relationship Breakdown - need advice

edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in MoneySaving Dads
10 replies 2.3K views
DebtFree20DebtFree20 Forumite
5 posts
edited 30 November -1 at 12:00AM in MoneySaving Dads
Something I didn't think I would be writing 6 months ago when we left the hospital with our twins, but the relationship has now reached a point where we no longer function as a family, bickering has given way to full blown arguments and there's the potential for it to get really quite toxic, both of us grew up in that kind of environment and have always said that's not what we want to provide for our kids, so have taken the steps of parting ways and living our own separate lives.

I need advice, I've never been in this situation and cannot fathom what i need to do, i currently work as a Civil servant and this is likely to end on Jan 22 when I have a meeting to see about extending my contract. I have pre-empreted not remaining in that job and have applied for several jobs that i feel quite likely to get.

I intend to leave the family home and for a period of no more than 6 months live in shared accommodation, whilst still maintaining a relationship with my kids and their family, however I won't be able to look after the children overnight until I get a 1 or 2 bed flat.

We both claim UC for the children, obviously this will now have to go to a sole claim with just the mother on, do you essentially close the claim and then the mother have to re submit a claim? or can it just be amended.

We have bills due in both our names, how does stuff like that work?
will the council house the mother and the children? as when we leave this property she will be essentially homeless (the rent is too high for just her to stay here)
I don't envisage this ever happening, but what can i do to protect myself and my children?


Sorry for the vague post, as I explained It's not something I've ever thought I'd have to be doing.

Replies

  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    Council housing: think long waiting lists, possibly bed and breakfast etc.

    Have you tried marriage guidance? Is it possible your partner has PND?
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
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  • MissMollyJMissMollyJ Forumite
    85 posts
    When you separate all claims close down and new ones have to be started. Your partner may be entitled to HB to help with the rent. You will obviously be paying maintenance too so she should be able to manage. I feel for your partner being left with sole responsibility for very young twins - and with a father who has no intention of having them overnight in order to give her a break. Very sad.

    On a similar note - you have 6 month old twins - this is going to be the most stressful time of your relationship and it may well be that if you get through this you’ll be fine. Arguing when you have young children and are stressed and exhausted is normal and it may well be worth looking into relationship counselling before throwing the towel in.
    £2 Savers Club 2020 no. 9
  • edited 19 January at 11:00PM
    DebtFree20DebtFree20 Forumite
    5 posts
    edited 19 January at 11:00PM
    You obviously didn't read the part where i said due to leaving the family home and putting myself into a shared home for a period of around 4 months I will not be able to have the children, but when i am back in a position that i can care for them overnight I will be doing just that

    What was omitted from the original post because it's not in the interest of this forum is that
    1) She has chose that after three very good years that we cannot move passed this.
    2) She has decided that I am to leave the home that I bought, that I have financed for the last three years whilst she hasn't worked or financially contributed in any way.


    Interesting to note that both replies to this thread, in a male specific forum are from two women.
  • edited 20 January at 6:43PM
    PrimrosePrimrose Forumite
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    edited 20 January at 6:43PM
    Bringing q child into a marriage is probqbky one of the most stressful strains Yiu can bring into it in terms of having to adapt almost all your routines and habits. Bringing Twins into it just doubles that stress.

    So I,m not surprised everything has gone haywire. Your wife's hormones are probqbly still all over the place and you are probabky both totally sleep deprived, grumpy and exhausted.

    Why not call a halt to all your plans, both sit down and recognise that neither of you are giving your marriage a fair chance at the moment ?

    Talk to yiur GP jointly abiut trying to get some family support and counselling. And both of you take some time out when you can to give the other a cup of tea, a Hug and a quiet hour for a nap, a walk in the fresh air or a brief time away from the chaos to restore yiur respective equilibriums.

    I suspect most couples have lost their tempers though tiredness, exhaustion and having their domestic routines going haywire when children first arrive. Do you have any family support you can rely on for a break?

    However angry and tired you both feel, try to support each other. You're both having it hard at the moment . Try and rediscover your sense of perspective , knowing that you're still going through a transitional stage. Your wife probqbly still feels overwhelmed and exhausted much of the time and you probably feel you have been sidelined so youre both still a little out of your parenthood depth. Life WILL become easier. Don't be in such a hurry to throw everything away.
  • thorsoakthorsoak Forumite
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    DebtFree20 wrote: »
    You obviously didn't read the part where i said due to leaving the family home and putting myself into a shared home for a period of around 4 months I will not be able to have the children, but when i am back in a position that i can care for them overnight I will be doing just that

    What was omitted from the original post because it's not in the interest of this forum is that
    1) She has chose that after three very good years that we cannot move passed this.
    2) She has decided that I am to leave the home that I bought, that I have financed for the last three years whilst she hasn't worked or financially contributed in any way.


    Interesting to note that both replies to this thread, in a male specific forum are from two women.

    What brings you to this conclusion? Just because this portion of the The Marriage, Relationships & Families Board us headed "MoneySaving Dads" does not mean that it means men only will reply!
  • Important update! We have recently reviewed and updated our Forum Rules and FAQs. Please take the time to familiarise yourself with the latest version.
  • Scorpio33Scorpio33 Forumite
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    A word of advice: try and put feelings aside and think of what is good for your kids.

    Firstly, why should you be the one to leave? Is that the best thing for your kids, practically? It may well be, but it sounded to me like your STB ex has decided what is right for her, not for you or the kids.

    Practically:

    - All bills, mortgages, rent agreements etc need to be transferred to one name (her). Until such time, you are both jointly liable for paying them.
    - The council will not rehome her easily, as she is in a property and will only be a priority if she has been forced out. She will be viewed to have voluntarily left if she leaves her property, unless there is signs of abuse.
    - Try and get a separation agreement drawn up. These are no legally binding, but it will help should any conflicts arise
    - Check your credit file, in case there are any hidden debts etc that you are unaware of.

    The other thing I would say is that the best thing for the kids is to have two stable, happy parents in their life. It may only be practicable for her to stay in your current house and for you to pay towards her upkeep. This is obviously not a good long term solution, so work with her to find a good outcome for all.
  • sherambersheramber Forumite
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    as when we leave this property she will be essentially homeless (the rent is too high for just her to stay here)

    She has decided that I am to leave the home that I bought, that I have financed for the last three years whilst she hasn't worked or financially contributed in any way.

    which is it- rented or mortgaged?

    Whose name is it in?
  • PiersHudsonPiersHudson Forumite
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    Try marriage guidance. If it won't work, at least you tried something, so ... But this always helps to solve at least some problems
  • onwards&upwardsonwards&upwards Forumite
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    Just realised this is a really old thread, reply deleted
  • Marvel1Marvel1 Forumite
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    2) She has decided that I am to leave the home that I bought, that I have financed for the last three years whilst she hasn't worked or financially contributed in any way.
    Do NOT move out.
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