Secondary School and Boys....oh god.

onwards&upwards

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd want to see him at ours first. Are there any times when the siblings are out at clubs or playing with friends when he could come round?

I'd also be having a few talks with daughter about not giving in to people when they put pressure on you to do something you're not happy with or can't do.

Or maybe talk to his parents to check that they have similar plans about supervising them?

I wouldn’t assume the boy is pressuring, it’s very likely the daughter just really wants to go round and spend time with him. I agree that pressure and the right to say no are important subjects to discuss though.

Socajam

At that age, hell no she would not be having a boyfriend or going to any boy's house
Hanging out with a group of friends of both sexes, doing every day things: going to the movies, shopping, library, joining a club etc.
But boyfriend at that age when she is suppose to be enjoying what being a young person is all about and thinking about what she wants to be 5 or 10 years from now.
Does she want to attend university, what is she interested in, what would she like to study etc

belfastgirl23

Have you met the boy? Have you met his parents? Would seem entirely reasonable to me that you’d want to meet him (at a minimum) and ideally his parents before she goes to his house and agree some ground rules. His parents might also be trying to find their way with this by the way and be glad of a chat.

I think her sharing her room with her sister is irrelevant as they wouldn’t be going there! Don’t forget this kind of question is going to continue, will you be comfortable with her having a boy in her room when she’s 15? With her little brother and sister in the house? My guess is you won’t know that yet, but it’s better to be stricter initially and then relax ground rules later as she gets older if appropriate so I’d think setting the bar high is the best bet at this stage.

And she might have to decide that she’s going to have to put up with an annoying brother and sister if she wants to see him. She’s 11 and you’re the parent. She is going to push and ask for things that aren’t appropriate and it’s up to you to hold a line on some things. It is perfectly fine to listen to your own instincts. If you look at your message, you’re writing it as it comes into your head and it’s coming out loud and clear to me that you’re not comfortable with this. Trust yourself!

onomatopoeia99

Socajam wrote: »

At that age, hell no she would not be having a boyfriend or going to any boy's house

If she wants a boyfriend, she'll have a boyfriend. Whether her mother will know about said boyfriend will depend on just how dictatorial the mother tries to be.

The "hell no" parenting approach led directly to some unplanned pregnancies in girls that didn't have boyfriends (or so their mothers believed) when I was a teenager.

Socajam

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

If she wants a boyfriend, she'll have a boyfriend. Whether her mother will know about said boyfriend will depend on just how dictatorial the mother tries to be.

The "hell no" parenting approach led directly to some unplanned pregnancies in girls that didn't have boyfriends (or so their mothers believed) when I was a teenager.

And with the unplanned pregnancy she will be in a home for unwed mothers and bear the consequences of her actions.
I am not going out to work every day to support a 15 year old CHILD, who seems to think that she is old enough to have sex and is a woman - it will not happen in my household.
If she thinks that she is old enough to have a boyfriend, have sex and all that comes with it after my sitting her down and explaining the consequences, then she is welcome, but find somewhere else to live.
This talk will also include my expectations of her and what she should expect of herself because at the end of the day this "poppy love" and the unwanted pregnancy always leave the woman with the child and this mother will not be part of any support system.

onwards&upwards

Socajam wrote: »

And with the unplanned pregnancy she will be in a home for unwed mothers and bear the consequences of her actions.
I am not going out to work every day to support a 15 year old CHILD, who seems to think that she is old enough to have sex and is a woman - it will not happen in my household.
If she thinks that she is old enough to have a boyfriend, have sex and all that comes with it after my sitting her down and explaining the consequences, then she is welcome, but find somewhere else to live.
This talk will also include my expectations of her and what she should expect of herself because at the end of the day this "poppy love" and the unwanted pregnancy always leave the woman with the child and this mother will not be part of any support system.

The fifties called, they want their attitudes back.

I think you’re getting a bit carried away, this is a 12 year old who wants to go to a boy’s house for tea.

74jax

socajam wrote: »

and with the unplanned pregnancy she will be in a home for unwed mothers and bear the consequences of her actions.
I am not going out to work every day to support a 15 year old child, who seems to think that she is old enough to have sex and is a woman - it will not happen in my household.
If she thinks that she is old enough to have a boyfriend, have sex and all that comes with it after my sitting her down and explaining the consequences, then she is welcome, but find somewhere else to live.
This talk will also include my expectations of her and what she should expect of herself because at the end of the day this "poppy love" and the unwanted pregnancy always leave the woman with the child and this mother will not be part of any support system.

wow...................

gwynlas

Am I being over protective? What would you do in this instance? She doesn't want to invite him home here as her brother and sister "are soooooo annoying" and she shares a room with her sister. Our extension should be started soon so I said why not wait til then and she said OK. But it sounds like this boy is really pushing for her to go to his house as she asked again this morning.

HELP!!!

Well we have all heard of 12 year olds getting pregnant, the amount of sexting going on as well as on line !!!!!! and the normalisation of all this these days.
Mind you my mother got pregnant before marriage 75 years ago and a girl at school had 2 babies by the age of 16, 45 years ago
All you can do is teach her to respect herself and have boundaries.
He might seem lke a really nice boy from a good family but hormones rage whatever the class once puberty hits.
Invite him to your house and lay out ground rules, but if they want to engage in sexual activity they will, if not behind the bike sheds then in the homes of friends who will cover for each other.

neneromanova

gwynlas wrote: »

Well we have all heard of 12 year olds getting pregnant, the amount of sexting going on as well as on line !!!!!! and the normalisation of all this these days.
Mind you my mother got pregnant before marriage 75 years ago and a girl at school had 2 babies by the age of 16, 45 years ago
All you can do is teach her to respect herself and have boundaries.
He might seem lke a really nice boy from a good family but hormones rage whatever the class once puberty hits.
Invite him to your house and lay out ground rules, but if they want to engage in sexual activity they will, if not behind the bike sheds then in the homes of friends who will cover for each other.

Yes. This is exactly my thoughts. One of the other mums going through the same thing has a daughter who hangs around a group where 1 14 year old is pregnant! And that 14 year old is happy about it! We can't stop who they hang out with or sext or fumble with, but we can teach them the right and wrong way to do it. I've already told them not to text naked photos to each anyone as it won't just be the boy who sees it but all his mates too.

I think I'll work on 1 on 1 time with her and see if we can come to an agreement where we're both happy.

onwards&upwards

neneromanova wrote: »

Yes. This is exactly my thoughts. One of the other mums going through the same thing has a daughter who hangs around a group where 1 14 year old is pregnant! And that 14 year old is happy about it! We can't stop who they hang out with or sext or fumble with, but we can teach them the right and wrong way to do it. I've already told them not to text naked photos to each anyone as it won't just be the boy who sees it but all his mates too.

I think I'll work on 1 on 1 time with her and see if we can come to an agreement where we're both happy.

Pregnant 14 year olds are very rare, teenage pregnancy rates are actually going down.

As long as you are bringing your daughter up to be sensible and strong minded and to have ambition for her future, she’ll be fine, even if she does like boys.