Hardest decision of my life 12 January 2020 at 2:44PM edited 12 January 2020 at 2:48PM in MoneySaving dads 11 replies 3.8K views

markyyyyyy

Hi,

my family and i are from Bristol, and 10 years ago i met my future wife and at the time i relocated to Leeds.

We have a 2 year old son, and unfortunately out marriage has broken down. I am self employed, and i have looked after our son for the past 2 years, 2 x per week, so i have only been working 3 full days a week and the odd evening.

Now we are separating, i am in a very difficult situation in that i can't get a mortgage for any decent amount, and i refuse to live in a sh*thole.

I don't have as many friends up here, i would say my main friends are based in bristol, with my family. There is only 1 person that would keep me in Leeds, and that is my 2 year old son.

I have 2 choices:
1. I stay in Leeds, with not many friends or family near by, and hope that my self employed business picks up. I'm nervous about being able to afford all of the costs (childcare included) on my own, let alone being away from family and friends.

2. Move back to bristol and live rent free with my brother, near family and friends, and find a new career with guarenteed income, to get me back on my feet.

The huge issue with option 2 is that i will be 200 miles away from my son and only be able to see him once a month.

I'm after advice as to if anyone has been in this situation before? If you did move away from your child, how did this affect your relationship with your child?

Thank you

Savvy_Sue

I can't offer any advice from experience, but my gut feeling is that at two years old, I'd want to put my son first, which would mean staying in Leeds.

I also can't help feeling that there's accommodation between the extremes you describe.

Can you, as well as developing your self-employed business, also take on a part-time job? Which might also address the lack of of friends / social life?

swingaloo

Why will you only be able to see your son once a month. My husband and I travelled 270 miles each way every 2 weeks for 11 years. We only had 6 hours each time with his child but even though its tiring and expensive it maintained contact.

PrettyKittyKat

You put your son first.... always.

You can make new friends. You can make every effort to find new customers. You may need to compromise on your living arrangements slightly in the shortterm.... but you get to spend quality time with your son, and this is worth more than anything else! he is two years old, this is an important time in his development and he will change SO much so quickly.

At least give it a go. If after a year it really isn't working at least you tried.

Ms_Chocaholic

Is the care arrangement staying the same, you having your son for 2 days a week. When is he 3 as his mum may receive some help towards childcare and do you think she will share it for your days.

Also depends on when his birthday is, he probably will start school when he is 4 so that's only 2 years/18 months away. Can you rent a room in the meantime to keep the cost as low as possible.

Ms_Chocaholic

Oh just to clarify, how many days do you have your son now - I didn't understand what you meant by "2 x" - is that two nights. Could you work weekends?

Comms69

If you are primary care giver to your child, which i assume is 2 days you caring and 3 days in nursery? Then surely that should continue?

northwestboy

Stay in Leeds, see it as a chance to be a dad without the strains of the relationship


Things will get better around this too


Good luck whatever you choose

markyyyyyy

Thanks for your input, much appreciated. I have decided that staying in Leeds is the best decision for me and my son. I will be having him on a Friday and one day over the weekend so i'm happy with that, as i can be part of his life and be the best dad i can much more than being down south!

Comms69

markyyyyyy wrote: »

Thanks for your input, much appreciated. I have decided that staying in Leeds is the best decision for me and my son. I will be having him on a Friday and one day over the weekend so i'm happy with that, as i can be part of his life and be the best dad i can much more than being down south!

Good choice, it gets better.

Retireby40

You've definately made the best decision mate.

You talk about your friends in Bristol but let's face it as we get older friends move on. There still your friends but meeting up is infrequent as life/kids and work get in the way.

Maybe in Leeds you could look for another job more stable. Try joining a gym that has group classes or maybe start supporting Leeds united. Lol. That way it means the evenings you dont have your kid you may be able to form friendships.

If you separate from your son now it will be difficult to ever move back close to them and it will always be like a part time relationship.
If you stay in Leeds it's full time. Every week every month. Oh it's his birthday and it falls on a Tuesday you can be there. He has a cup final or sports day. No problem. You can be there. If your in Bristol it will be a never ending. Oh I wish i could be there.
You will get your reward for this. In 30 years time when your son has kids you will have a role in his life and his kids life because you were always there. You didnt move away when the going got tough.

Fair play to you mate hope it all works out for you!!!!