I can't stop myself spending

Bouncybubbles

Hi all
Please bear with this epic post
So I have quite bad anxiety and depression I was under the care of my gp and the parent and baby unit however since little one is now nearly 18months I was discharged. I stopped my antidepressants as they were not helping and if anything made me feel more depressed and more tired. I do feel better mentally since coming off them however I have a long standing issue with finances. I had a successful DMP and paid all my debt off. However since it finished its creeping up again via my husband as I will convince him to take out a small loan to pay off my overdraft then increase it again without him knowing. Then a few months later go begging to him again as I've done it again.

I also am rubbish at priorities in terms of money so for example I spend a lot on takeaways and unnecessary things instead of doing proper food shops which we need. For example my toddler is coming home today from a sleepover at my mums and last night we had a KFC costing £16 and now I'm struggling to feed him when he comes home. I do have some stuff in such as frozen items and canned so he certainly will be fed but I feel bad that I'm not providing the food I had wanted for him. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself! That happiness that junk food brings us so overwhelming it seems to make all the rubbish stuff go away and brings 10minutes of happiness. Which is then made crap when I realise I've spent more money yet again, yet again I've not stuck to my slimming world diet, yet again I've run my overdraft ever deeper.

I'm not sure what the solution is I know I have a massive problem with spending and food alongside buying stuff we don't need to try and keep up with better off family members. I'm taking a new job in the next few months that involves a very large pay cut and hubby has worked out we can just about afford it in order for me to be happier in my work. However deep down I'm panicking that if I can't sort my spending we are going to end up in a right mess and my son won't have such a nice life as we won't be able to afford to do anything with him!

I'm sorry for rambling but I have noone else I can really talk to as all I get told is well stop spending money. Its really not that easy to break a habit of a lifetime..

Many thanks ❤️

maggiesmummy

Hi,
I've been where you are with the spending - and for me it became about trying to fill a gap or hole - I'd get really distracted by the need for something new and sparkly and then use credit to get it.

I also used to treat myself with food, because it was easy, cheap and I could have it immediately.

It took a lot of work deciding what was important to me to start me on the right road, by choosing to put my health - both physical and financial, first. I had too many 3am wake ups worrying about money.

Now I look at affordable and planned ways of treating myself - so making a pizza with the kids, reading a book for a couple of hours, a planned budget for the charity shop, doing a DIY manicure. I have pots for everything with Monzo.

It took a real lightbulb moment to think that nothing I could buy would ever be worth the anxiety of the debt I lived with.

I still overeat sometimes - one of my vices - but am working to realise looking after myself means making good choices on a daily basis.

Good luck - it's not an overnight change but it has helped my mental health no end.

surveyqueenuk

Maybe start by trying to work out why you feel the way you do about these two things:

Bouncybubbles wrote: »

That happiness that junk food brings us so overwhelming it seems to make all the rubbish stuff go away and brings 10minutes of happiness. Which is then made crap when I realise I've spent more money yet again, yet again I've not stuck to my slimming world diet, yet again I've run my overdraft ever deeper.

Why then, knowing how bad it makes you feel in the long run, do you still buy it? Are you looking for a few moments escape? Escape from what?
I suspect buying (and eating) takeaways is the most destructive behaviour of all, it affects your finances, your weight and your self esteem so perhaps work on cutting these out.

Bouncybubbles wrote: »

buying stuff we don't need to try and keep up with better off family members.

Why do you feel you need to do this? Do you think you aren't good enough for them as you are? Please take some time to have a good think about why you feel this way.

Savvy_Sue

It sounds as if you would benefit from some talking therapy: can you ask your GP for a referral to work through these issues?

The other thing is whether you'd get on better if you did everything with cash, and work out with your DH how / when you withdraw it.

Mind you, even that won't necessarily work: I had one friend who just could not have cash in his pocket because even if it was meant for one thing, he'd use it for another. Bad enough when it was his lunch money, but when there'd been a whip round among his friends for some much needed dental work and £100+ went on random crap ...

theoretica

Keeping up with family members - do they know? If you haven't, it might be worth telling them you need to cut your spending (blame the new job if you want to) and ask for their moral support.



What is it about takeaways for you? The fat/salt hit? The delight of not cooking? Would changing the type of things you cook at home help at all?



If you spend money when you have access to it could you find ways to make it just a little harder to access it on impulse? I leave my cards at home sometimes when I don't plan on buying stuff.

hazyjo

If I feel a bit of a spending splurge coming on, I'll try and stick to cash for a while.

Also, search the internet for some really quick recipes. Buy 'cook from frozen chicken' in cubes or strips so you know it'll be readily available to cook, always keep some jars or sachets of whatever you like such as black bean sauce, sweet and sour, etc. Not the healthiest I'm sure, but better than takeaways.

Can you discover a love for cooking? I used to get far more takeaways but now my OH cooks something really nice on a weekend and we went from one takeaway a week or two to one in a blue moon.

suki1964

Sweetheart, no harm to you, but you probably have a lot of long standing issues that need sorting, going back a good bit further then when little one was born

You cant be happy if you are looking for quick fixes in food and spending, its not something happy well balanced people do ( please no one take offence, none is intended ) and no amount of meal planning is going to stop you doing what you are doing

Please go back to your GP and lay it straight about whats happening. You may need to go back on meds, so be it, not all meds are the same and a different one may be more helpful and you really do need a talking therapy

gettingtheresometime

If you really can't trust yourself not to dip into your overdraft then what I would do is work out how much you need to cover DDs etc, withdraw the balance.

Don't take your card out with you; pay for everything with cash.

As for takeaways, have a look at the pinch of nom website. You may not need to lose weight but there will be recipes there for healthier takeaway substitutes

oystercatcher

Another vote for talking therapy to try and help you work out how to change the behaviour and maybe work out why you feel you need to be like this.

Our area has a mental health service you can even self refer to , it seems to have really improved over the last few years. It's worth putting 'your area' and 'mental health help' into Google (or whatever you use!) and see what is available . If not then ask at your GP for a referral.

sooty&sweep

You've taken the first & biggest step of recognising that you have a problem & you want to do something about it !
Now draw a line under what mistakes you think you've made & focus on the future. Stop beating yourself up !
There is nothing wrong with having a takeaway but you also need to know that you can afford it so that you can enjoy it ! There is nothing wrong with frozen food ! Frozen veg is often as good or better than fresh that has been hanging around. Baked beans are a good staple.
To me it sounds like you need to focus on your financial planning & prioritising what you need to spend your money on so that you can prevent your overdraft from growing & needing a loan to sort it out. It will also mean that you can enjoy your treats because you know you can afford them.
You need to think about the best way for you to do that. Can you talk to your husband? Or is there someone else you can talk to ?
There are other boards on this website that can help you with assessing your income & expenditure & managing your money.
What's your health visitor like ? When mine were little there was a weekly clinic where you could get them weighed but also talk to a health visitor so if you don't like yours there may be another that you can talk to. They can support you and advise on the best support for you. That might not be health support but support for you to improve your self esteem. Are there any positive hobbies that you enjoy doing & can help you to relax?
Exercise will always do you good not just physically but mentally too.
Jen xxx

badmemory

oystercatcher wrote: »

Our area has a mental health service you can even self refer to , it seems to have really improved over the last few years. It's worth putting 'your area' and 'mental health help' into Google (or whatever you use!) and see what is available . If not then ask at your GP for a referral.

My area too! Your GP does not need to refer you, you just contact them. You get one call where they assess your issues & as far as I can tell decide who is going to be the best help for you. Then you get 6 sessions. If not this, why not try the Samaritans. You talk, they listen, no judgement in their voices. 30 yrs ago they stopped me making a really bad decision, just by letting me talk for a whole 2 hours!


So if you can access either, even if you don't know how they can possibly help, it certainly can't be bad to at least try.