Partner has debts!

Skyler1

Really sorry if there is already a thread for this, I’m new to this and I am desperate for some advice.
I’ve been together with my (now) husband for 3 years. We’ve lived together for about 2 years. When I’ve cleaned the house I kept finding letters from debt collecting companies saying he owes £500 - £900 - £1500 etc. to different credit card companies/banks/electricity companies/council tax!


The worrying this was these letters were always hidden under the sofa, behind the microwave, on top of the fridge, under some books on the book shelf. I didn’t want to confront him because it will transpire I have been reading his post so I kind of just said “oh found a letter with your name on it, must have fallen behind the microwave”, and he’d just look at it and go “oh yeah” and swiftly put it away in his set of bedside drawers. I thought he’s a reasonable person, he works full time so I’m sure he’ll take care of his debt.


Recently though, a bailiff came knocking on the door looking for him! I am scared to death from bailiffs, I’m not sure why but they absolutely terrify me. I’ve never had to deal with a bailiff in my life, so this was quite a traumatizing experience. My husband was not home so I refused to let him in and he got quite threatening and passive aggressive like “you wouldn’t hide him from me, would you?”. I refused to let him in, told him to please leave the building (we live in a flat) and I’ll let my husband know he came.


When my husband came I was in tears literally screaming why this bailiff came knocking. He just brushed it off, told me not to worry and that it’s some “mix up with Barcalys”. Thankfully the bailiff never came again but how do I know he won’t just pop up again one day?!

After this “incident” I kept finding more letters from debt collecting agencies. I found one again under the sofa saying they’re offering him a final chance to pay or they’ll file for a CCJ. We are trying to save up for a house and a CCJ would definitely make lenders think twice before giving us a mortgage, so thinking of both of us, I paid this out of my own pocket. I told him I did it and I only did it because I don’t want a CCJ against him or bailiffs knocking on the door again. He just said “I was dealing with it” and just changed the subject.


He always kind of brushes it off or says “don’t worry about it, I’m dealing with it”. I decided as well to wait until he goes out somewhere so I can have a look through his drawers where he puts all these letters. I found letters with recent dates demanding payment for the council tax!, our old electricity provider, credit cards, an overdraft on his account. But I couldn’t tell him I’ve been through his stuff, so I just kept it to myself.


The final straw was when a brown envelope came with his name on it. I work for a company where we get CCJ letters quite a lot so I know one when I see one! I was debating with myself whether I should open it but I didn’t because I thought it’s an invasion of his privacy if I do, so I gave it to him and sat down by him when he opened it but he opened the envelope and went “oh yeah, it’s nothing” and quickly put it back in the envelope and put it away in his infamous bedside table drawer. I am 99,9% sure he now has a CCJ but just doesn’t want to tell me for some reason. I am guessing it’s pride because he wants to solve all his issues himself.

He also wants us to make a joint account but I know if you make a joint account and your partner has bad credit history, your credit score will be dragged down too and I literally cannot allow this to happen. However, I can’t tell him I don’t want to have a joint account with him because I know he’s got bad credit so now I’m just coming up with silly excuses like “the bank’s probably busy these days”, “I’m not feeling well, I don’t want to go out to the bank”.


My question is, how do I confront him about these letters? I need to explain to him that this will affect both our futures if he keeps ignoring these letters and we will never get a mortgage at this rate! I want to tell him he can trust me and I won’t judge him for his debt but I need to know exactly how much he owes so I can help him come up with a plan of how to pay it and prevent other CCJs and bailiffs rocking up. I don’t want to sound like I’m demanding his personal letters but we’re a family now and his actions affect me and vice-versa.

sourcrates

Hi,

Tough one, you really need to sit down and really talk about this together, its the only way to get clarity on the situation.
In order for a bailiff to attend your home, a county court judgement must have been issued, and your partner must have failed to pay the requested installments, there would then be a table of fee`s to pay for their attendance, so i dont think it was a bailiff that you saw.

It was most likley just a debt collector, or to give them their correct title, a "self employed doorstep collector" they have no more power than next doors cat, so you can ignore them, but you did the right thing by denying them entry, if a bailiff did call, do exactly the same thing, despite what they might tell you, they cannot force entry to private property for consumer credit act related debts.

He really needs to deal with this, i suppose its safe to assume he has multiple debts, but there are various ways to deal with them, all he has to do is deal with the problem, its like any other problem, you just need to find the right solution, and they do exist, its just a case of been bothered to sort it out.

tallyhoh

Sorry you are dealing with this, it must have come as a shock, it did to me 35 years ago & its still not settled. Unfortunately I came to realise long ago that my partner has some kind of disorder that prevents him from dealing with these things, he also hid his letters etc, has been made bankrupt in the past, numerous CCJs etc etc and people STILL give him credit.

While I'm not saying your husband is as bad, you must take steps to protect yourself now. Do not enter into joint financial affairs such as bank accounts, loans, credit cards or even household utilities. If you do have anything joint I suggest you try & get rid of it now.

I am sorry that he is hiding things from you in such a casual manner. I stayed in the relationship because of the children. You must decide where your future lies.

I see he asked asked you for a joint bank account, refuse point blank & tell him why.

Skyler1

Thank you for your replies everyone! I suppose I have to man up and just confront him. I just don't know how to start talking about it without sounding like I am snooping around his stuff. I think the big issue here is he hasn't realized that we are married, so our finances are ours not his or mine!

I am quite baffled though how companies still give him credit, I saw a letter from a credit card company with a new credit card. At least he has only £200 limit, that's bearable to be paid back but it would make it much easier if they stopped giving him credit!

Willing2Learn

tallyhoh wrote: »

I see he asked asked you for a joint bank account, refuse point blank & tell him why.

Ditto. I would also use the request for a joint account, explaining to your husband exactly why the answer is no! After all, a problem shared is a problem halved...

fatbelly

Skyler1 wrote: »

I think the big issue here is he hasn't realized that we are married, so our finances are ours not his or mine!

I am quite baffled though how companies still give him credit, I saw a letter from a credit card company with a new credit card. At least he has only £200 limit, that's bearable to be paid back but it would make it much easier if they stopped giving him credit!

You are not linked because you are married but you are linked if you have a joint financial product.

It would actually be worth both of you looking at your credit files to see what is being recorded against you. Whether you show your other half is up to you, but if you're contemplating a joint mortgage that would make sense.

All 3 credit reference agencies have free services now:

Experian: mse credit club
Equifax: clearscore
TransUnion: credit karma

Socajam

I would tell him with s straight face there will be no joint account because he is a liability to our future which he is not prepared to face.
Yes, it is hard, but living with debts and bailiffs knocking on your door is far harder. You never know when you arrive home, who will be outside sitting in a car waiting for you. Someone knocks on the door, you are too frighten to look etc.
Until he faces up to the consequences of his actions about the debt and how both of you are going to be getting rid of it, there is no talk of joint account - tough love, but this is your future you have here and refusing to deal with it will not allow it to go away.
Also any joint account will have to be a basic account, if joint at all, no savings, no credit cards etc.

SusieT

I think if you are too gung ho he could close down, if you say something along the lines of you will not have a joint account with him as you are not stupid and you are well aware that he is in debt, but you can only think the worst as he is hiding it. Tell him you will obviously not be happy as you think he is in very deep, but that if he brings you all the debt letters he has got, you will sit down with him and do all you can to help him get through it.
It will be hard for him to open up to you, but if you can try to be as supportive as you can while also letting him know that he needs to be honest with you I think you could get through it - even if it is worse than you expect, at least you will know where you stand and will have reality to worry about rather than what you are imagining, and thats a start.

Catslovelycats

Could you intitate a conversation along the lines of 'I keep thinking about the bailiff visit and its really worrying me. I need you to be honest about what's going on'?

Ashingtonian

Leave him, now. He will drag you down with him finacially and leave you with nothing. You've been warned.

monetxchange

You need to get on an even keel in terms of being fully open with each other about finances. It’s the only way to having a good relationship going forward.

Be brave and ask him directly. Encourage him to put it all on the table now so it’s out of the way. This being cautious to confront him and allowing him to brush it off is not sustainable in any way in a marriage.