2020 Frugal Living Challenge

carolbee

Bluegreen143 said:

Keep going over the budget again as I feel really torn about making it much more ambitious!

I am proud of how far I’ve come. One thing I found really tricky a couple of years ago was that most of my “mum” friends from my NCT group have a very different lifestyle. I’m much younger than most of them and the only one who left work to be a SAHM - plus they all have one or both of them being higher rate taxpayers while my husband is a meter fitter. It was an adjustment when I left work and for too long I tried hard to fit in by doing activities/outings we couldn’t afford or wasted time feeling guilty that I’ve never taken the kids abroad and they don’t do any regular paid activities/classes (I mean things like gymnastics, music classes, I’ve even got friends whose 4yos do skiing each week which just isn’t affordable for us!). 

But I’ve done a lot of soul searching and had so many deep conversations with my husband and realised I don’t want that lifestyle anyway (but would never judge my friends for doing what they like of course!). 

Take expensive kid activities. I’ve got friends who (pre Covid) spend all Saturday taking 2yos to toddler classes, spending £10 a pop and spending all day in the car too. For me, while I love the children dearly, this just isn’t how I want to spend my weekends at this stage (they aren’t quite 5 and 2 yet) and I don’t think it serves the kids to watch us bend over backwards to keep them entertained. 

I want my kids to learn how to be adults by watching and learning from us (surely even mundane stuff like cleaning or doing the supermarket shop is as educational as anything else they could be doing!), I want them to really be able to play deeply and imaginatively, I want them to read and be read to, and I want them to spend lots of time outdoors. None of those things needs to cost a lot of money. 

When I think of how we might spend a Saturday - a walk in a park or trip to a (free) museum followed by an afternoon spent playing, reading, baking and gardening, why should I feel bad that I haven’t spent £20-30 taking them to activities and lunch? As long as we live in accordance to our own family values we can’t go wrong I think. 

As a side note, during spring lockdown we obviously couldn’t do outings or play dates, and I also heavily decluttered and put away many of their toys. I kept out classics - Duplo, the wooden train set, dolls, cars, dressing up stuff, plus books/paint/playdough (homemade). The kids THRIVED. We went for a walk each day and I read to them and baked with them and they spent the rest of the time running wild in the garden with bare feet. Maybe 20% of the time choosing to play with the toys I’d left out, but whether they were playing with Duplo or just making endless forts out of sofa cushions they used their imaginations and they entertained themselves, even the little one who was only 1. I think this tells me everything I need to know about how much young children need extra curricular activities and lots of expensive playthings! So I think that even with little kids I can really be more ambitious with the budgeting - in fact I think it’s us adults who are stuck in our ways, not them.

What a fabulous Mum and Dad you are. Your children will remember their childhood in that their parents gave them love and time. You should be very proud and I wonder if the yummy mummies envy you......

cw18

@Bluegreen143  It sounds to me like your children are having a wonderful childhood, and learning valuable life skills.

I refused to enrol my kids into loads of activities (even though I could have afforded back then), but they did get brownies/cubs etc and swimming lessons, and we always had shelves full of books.   I liked to leave them to entertain themselves with friends - gaming systems weren't as big a thing when they were little, although they did share a couple of Gameb0ys over the years and my youngest (on getting a paper round at 13) saved all his money for a Pl@ystation.   When hubby was off work with them during school holidays (while I was still at work) he'd take them bowling and to the cinema and to all kinds of places that cost money (and buy them fast food for their dinners as well) which annoyed me more than a little, but it came out of his 'spending money', so I get my mouth firmly closed after trying to discuss it with him (and having my head bitten off in return).    My daughter never seems to have any spare money or savings, but regular manages to buy expensive tickets to shows and concerts for her 4 girls, and the eldest (now 17) often behaves as if she expects to be given everything she wants.  I'd love to turn her over my knee and spank her for the way she treats/speaks to her mother sometimes.   When I raised the issue of all the tickets to my daughter (fairly casually) at one point in time, I was left feeling that she was doing it so they didn't feel like they missed out as children like she did.   That hurt a bit, but if I could wind back time I still wouldn't buy them for her.   I do, however, feel I should have made more effort to spend quality time with them all teaching them things like cooking (my older son blames me for him not being able to make much, but has always done so to my face without managing to make it as hurtful as he could).

willow_loulou

@Bluegreen143
I had a very similar issue, single mother from youngest being 5. She was in dance classes by then so I kept it up and she certainly benefited (dancing at Sadlers wells achieving many medals and awards) whereas my son did nothing which was his choice (he is 5 yrs older) 
But the pressure to do this and that is utterly ridiculous. I spent time in the car and always used it productively but the thought of doing it all day Saturday! No! 

There are many things we can do with our children that give wonderful experiences that don’t require that kind of spend. (Skiing - seriously? Smacks of over indulgence and inability to parent alone tbh) 

Bluegreen143

@carolbee I’m blushing now!!! But I do feel happy that we took the leap to make changes to our lifestyle. My husband left a stressful management job to retrain as meter fitter which has zero stress and less hours but pays more, and I left work to stay at home with all the lifestyle adjustments that entails. It took a long time for me to slowly adjust the spending and I had to learn that I can’t live the middle class yummy mummy lifestyle on one moderate wage! But I am so happy we did it. It’s not for everyone but I disliked my work at the time so didn’t feel I was losing out by leaving.

Many people haven’t the choice but I am amazed by how the way friends will say to me “I’d love for one of us not to work but we can’t afford it” and we both know that between them they earn at least 2-3x what my husband earns. What they really mean is they can’t afford their current lifestyle on the reduced wage but it doesn’t seem to occur to many that the lifestyle is optional! 

Bluegreen143

@cw18 I’m so sorry your daughter has made you feel like that! My mum never had any spare cash when we were little (single mum and she had us very young with little support from our dad or family) and we both look on our childhood as being really happy so fingers crossed my kids do too... ultimately I need to do what I feel is right now not second guess with how they will feel later and hope they do appreciate it later on. Re your son blaming you for not reading him to cook, that’s silly - while it’s great to learn as a child, you can certainly do so off your own back later on! I think one of the commonest regrets people have is not spending enough time with their kids but I think as long as you love them and do your best that’s all anyone can ask for.

@willow_loulou yeah I’d absolutely allow 1-2 activities that they love but not going to sign them up for masses of stuff as toddlers just for the sake of it. The children in question are mainly in primary 1 (my son would have been too but I chose to defer his school start a year) and I do think you’re right in that a lot of my friends feel the need to “fill the time” after school. Whereas once my son is picked up from nursery each day (12.15 three days a week and 3.15 the other days) I like for us to chill out, play, maybe go for a walk or meet a friend at the park but I certainly don’t like feeling we need to “fill the time” with structured activities - there are so many fun things we can do at home 😆

[Deleted User]

Lovely post @Bluegreen143. My children are 8 and almost 7. Both have swimming lessons (although DD is now a very competent swimmer, and they swim with school next academic year, so I'll be cancelling her lessons soon). I am fortunate that grandparents pay for these. The only other thing DS does is football, which he ADORES and it has taught him so much about team work, managing his emotions, and is a fabulous outlet for all of that energy young boys seem to have!

I completely agree young children don't need money spending on them, they need time and attention. As part of my job in school I work in behaviour support, and so many teens display behaviour issues which ultimately stem from no one paying them attention when they were young, it's heartbreaking to see. 

My mum never had any money when we were growing up, but I look back with nothing but happy memories. Those memories cannot be bought, but are created with love and time. Xx

welshspendthrift

@Bluegreen143 sounds to me like your children are having a fabulous childhood and quality time with you and their dad. They will benefit from this . Well done 

ldee2111

Bluegreen143 said:

Keep going over the budget again as I feel really torn about making it much more ambitious!

I am proud of how far I’ve come. One thing I found really tricky a couple of years ago was that most of my “mum” friends from my NCT group have a very different lifestyle. I’m much younger than most of them and the only one who left work to be a SAHM - plus they all have one or both of them being higher rate taxpayers while my husband is a meter fitter. It was an adjustment when I left work and for too long I tried hard to fit in by doing activities/outings we couldn’t afford or wasted time feeling guilty that I’ve never taken the kids abroad and they don’t do any regular paid activities/classes (I mean things like gymnastics, music classes, I’ve even got friends whose 4yos do skiing each week which just isn’t affordable for us!). 

But I’ve done a lot of soul searching and had so many deep conversations with my husband and realised I don’t want that lifestyle anyway (but would never judge my friends for doing what they like of course!). 

Take expensive kid activities. I’ve got friends who (pre Covid) spend all Saturday taking 2yos to toddler classes, spending £10 a pop and spending all day in the car too. For me, while I love the children dearly, this just isn’t how I want to spend my weekends at this stage (they aren’t quite 5 and 2 yet) and I don’t think it serves the kids to watch us bend over backwards to keep them entertained. 

I want my kids to learn how to be adults by watching and learning from us (surely even mundane stuff like cleaning or doing the supermarket shop is as educational as anything else they could be doing!), I want them to really be able to play deeply and imaginatively, I want them to read and be read to, and I want them to spend lots of time outdoors. None of those things needs to cost a lot of money. 

When I think of how we might spend a Saturday - a walk in a park or trip to a (free) museum followed by an afternoon spent playing, reading, baking and gardening, why should I feel bad that I haven’t spent £20-30 taking them to activities and lunch? As long as we live in accordance to our own family values we can’t go wrong I think. 

As a side note, during spring lockdown we obviously couldn’t do outings or play dates, and I also heavily decluttered and put away many of their toys. I kept out classics - Duplo, the wooden train set, dolls, cars, dressing up stuff, plus books/paint/playdough (homemade). The kids THRIVED. We went for a walk each day and I read to them and baked with them and they spent the rest of the time running wild in the garden with bare feet. Maybe 20% of the time choosing to play with the toys I’d left out, but whether they were playing with Duplo or just making endless forts out of sofa cushions they used their imaginations and they entertained themselves, even the little one who was only 1. I think this tells me everything I need to know about how much young children need extra curricular activities and lots of expensive playthings! So I think that even with little kids I can really be more ambitious with the budgeting - in fact I think it’s us adults who are stuck in our ways, not them.

I’ve had a very similar experience Bluegreen143. DS is 3 and has far more fun outdoors, racing to the next lamppost or tree, spotting car badges, helping around the house - big fun to be had putting away the shopping or vacuuming the floor (now you’re talking, Mum!) 

Also attended NCT (2 lawyers, 2 architects, a trainee doctor, etc). Met up with mums a few times in that first year but realised we were in very different lanes. Better to focus on your own lane. 

YORKSHIRELASS

Bluegreen, Idee and ASB you are doing a great job and should be so proud.  You need to teach your children now when they are younger that life can be fun without spending huge amounts of money.  There will be a time when peer pressure will be really strong and they get miffed that friends get £500 spent on them at Christmas but you have to stick to your guns because ultimately the way that you are bringing them up will benefit them in the long term.  DS2 is at Uni and lives quite happily on virtually nothing, DS1 is working silly hours to squirrel money away to get a deposit for a house, and I think both of them really understand the value of money, even though I didnt always make the right choices when they were younger.

I am thinking a lot about frugal living at the moment, the way I live my life generally and the choices I make.  For a long time I believed I needed the right "stuff" to make me feel confident and fit in, and its really hard to change those attitudes, but I am working on it.

Bluegreen143

ldee2111 said:

I’ve had a very similar experience Bluegreen143. DS is 3 and has far more fun outdoors, racing to the next lamppost or tree, spotting car badges, helping around the house - big fun to be had putting away the shopping or vacuuming the floor (now you’re talking, Mum!) 

Also attended NCT (2 lawyers, 2 architects, a trainee doctor, etc). Met up with mums a few times in that first year but realised we were in very different lanes. Better to focus on your own lane. 

So agree with you on the helping round the house etc. Three is a really great age for that too - old enough to really start to be of help but young enough it isn’t a chore yet 🙂

I’ve been friends with these other mums for five years now and two or three of them I am close to so I don’t want to cut ties particularly with those 2-3 but I think I’m in a good place now where I can hold my head up and be content in what we are doing without feeling that pressure in there to “keep up with the Joneses”. And I will now opt out of expensive group activities but will happily turn up for a garden playdate or park visit. When all the materialistic chat gets a bit much I scroll past on the whatsapp group and go (virtually) hang out with my uni friends who are much more in my lane! 

@YORKSHIRELASS I love that you say that. I think it’s so true that budgeting happens more in your head and mindset than in your purse or bank account. It’s like dieting - knowing the right things to do is important but so is being in the right mindset to do it. And you’re so right about raising kids in the money mindset while they are little so they can have those good habits later on.

I’ve recently started giving my son pocket money each week. My aim is for him to learn by making mistakes with small amounts now, to hopefully avoid bigger mistakes later on, so I don’t police what he spends it on (as long as it’s something he is allowed to have if that makes sense). But each week I ask him how much he wants to put in his piggy bank to save and how much he wants to put in his wallet to spend, and so far (we are four weeks in) he’s always chosen to put something in the piggy bank to save 🙂 he will probably eventually spend that on something bigger like a Lego set but I’m hoping it teaches him that saving is worthwhile as it can allow us to have the things we want.