The hardest challenge yet

elantan

so far ive failed ... completely failed, Mr El has been acting very out of character, these hotdogs for example landed up in the bin and Mr el like me hates food waste, so it is unusual for us to chuck food out, i spoke to him about it and he says i just didnt want them, last night he came in with a pizza from the local indian shop, we havnt ate pizza from the local indian shop in years ( i would say atleast 10) !!!!!! is going on in his head i just dont know, he has phoned today and informed me that he is buying a bottle of wine tonight a few guys are coming over from work and together they are going to be dealing with work/ union stuff. I am night shift, its the last one, i have been night shift a lot lately and i am exhausted, i dont sleep great on nights and i eat terrible as i have no energy and am so tired all the time. But so far i dont have any more nights for a wee bit which i am glad of. I think i need to find a way to reach Mr El about this subject talking doesnt seem to be working, he listens he agrees he ignores and does his own thing. maybe using only money for shopping and take away might work, get rid of the credit card.

I am taking on board everyone suggestions ad agree with them , this is a deeper issue than appears on the surface, and one i need to get on top of.

So with all this in mind ... can anyone suggest where i should start ?

i joined the shopping challenge before but honestly dont think i could really manage to keep up with the people, i aspire to be like them though and yes i aim on joining one day

dreaming

elantan wrote: »

I am taking on board everyone suggestions ad agree with them , this is a deeper issue than appears on the surface, and one i need to get on top of.

So with all this in mind ... can anyone suggest where i should start ?

i joined the shopping challenge before but honestly dont think i could really manage to keep up with the people, i aspire to be like them though and yes i aim on joining one day

Without wanting to sound too much like an amateur psychologist I wondered whether MrEl is just a bit overwhelmed at the amount he seems to have on his plate, and then having to watch what he spends on takeaways is a bit too much. I understand you have a lot of stress too but you obviously deal with things differently. It reminds me very much of when I was married and exOH was unhappy in his job. He took on quite a bit of debt - which was ok in itself as we were both earning good money - but when I suggested that we did need to cut down the spending a bit to put cash into a pension it caused a lot of tension between us. We broke up in the end (other factors were involved) and he continued to be in debt (still is actually after 20-odd years apart) whereas I went on to buy my own house and take early retirement. He has told me since that he felt I was trying to control him rather than the debts, and I have realised that whereas he likes to ignore problems and hope they disappear I am totally opposite and like to confront things and try to fathom a way out. It was more the different styles of dealing with things that caused the problem rather than the tings themselves.
Maybe you could factor in an amount for takeaways and cut down elsewhere? It sounds counter-intuitive but a bit like dieting - if something is prohibited then you seem to want it even more. So I wouldn't be buying the hotdogs and rolls etc. thinking they were going to be used. I know the cost is much less than a takeaway but it does save the food being wasted. As you say, I think there is more going on in his mind that maybe he isn't even aware of.

lessonlearned

Dreaming. I am no psychologist either but I agree with everything you've said. People do have different ways of dealing with "life issues", stress etc.

El you are obviously a "roll your sleeves up, let's get stuck in and sort this out kind of person". (Like me so I really do understand your frustrations).

Mr El, for whatever reasons, either temporarily because of the sheer load of stress or because he has a different way of dealing with things, obviously isn't approaching the idea of FIRE with the same commitment or enthusiasm as you are doing. He says it is what he wants but he's obviously not as focussed as you. Not yet.

Maybe it's a timing thing, maybe he just has too much else going on right now and he can't see the wood for the trees.

Whatever the reason, he's just not on the same page as you right now. Horrid expression I know but it does seem to sum up the current situation,

Where do you start.....well I think you start with yourself. I would say if he's not on your wavelength right now then, for the time being, just concentrate on yourself.

You ain't broke, you dont need fixing but I think you do need to start taking better care of yourself, more rest, better sleep, better food. I know exactly what you mean about your body craving decent food. I have to be careful what I eat because of digestive issues and I soon know if I'm not eating right, my body tells me.

When my husband was sick and I was rushing around like a lunatic, snatching a couple of hours sleep when I got the chance, grabbing food on the run etc my stomach was terrible. I was in agony.

My advice is to listen to your body and give it what it needs - decent food and some relaxation. Shift work is so hard on the body, hopefully now you are due a break from nights you might start to feel more human.

With regard to Mr El, I think Dreaming is right, dont give up on him entirely but for now just go with the flow on this one. Don't nag, or cajole, lead by example.

Let him have takeaways for now, if that's all he can cope with. He's obviously comfort eating, probably craving sugars and fats as a way of trying to feel better. It's a form of self medicating in a way. Ok not terribly healthy in the long term, but in the grand scheme of things, better than drugs, booze and fags or gambling. It could be so much worse.

If Mr El wants/needs to stoke up on junk food as a means of comfort then let him. He's a grown up, let him be. Like I said before - you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If, as you say, he is normally a bit of a gourmet he'll probably get disenchanted with junk food in the end - especially if he sees you tucking into a nice piece of steak and some fresh vegetables whilst he's making do with pizza.

In the meantime just focus on you. Look after yourself properly.

And please......you are not a failure. Not even close. So stop torturing yourself.

Repeat after me.......

My husband is a grown up. I am not responsible for my husband's health, wealth and happiness. I am not responsible for what he chooses to put in his mouth. I am however, responsible for my own wellbeing.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.....;)

boultdj

El, you have had some good advice from Dreaming and LL, I've done night's so I know it's hard sorting food out, one thing I've not seen is Mr El having his own 'spending money', so if he want's take away, he use's that money so he can see for himself how fast it goes.
You are not failing, you are learning and everyone has to learn, plus you only started this part of your journey a few day's ago.

monnagran

I agree with boultdj. If you can't agree on how to manage a joint budget then separate the obligations. Perhaps you could agree on which bills you will each be responsible for. You could take control of the household food budget and if he wants extra like wine and takeaways then he buys them out of his budget. If you go on the way you are going, you are going to start resenting each other.

But no more paying £800 on food every month please. I know I live alone, but that is more than my entire income and I don't feel at all deprived.

elantan

dreaming wrote: »

Without wanting to sound too much like an amateur psychologist I wondered whether MrEl is just a bit overwhelmed at the amount he seems to have on his plate, and then having to watch what he spends on takeaways is a bit too much. I understand you have a lot of stress too but you obviously deal with things differently. It reminds me very much of when I was married and exOH was unhappy in his job. He took on quite a bit of debt - which was ok in itself as we were both earning good money - but when I suggested that we did need to cut down the spending a bit to put cash into a pension it caused a lot of tension between us. We broke up in the end (other factors were involved) and he continued to be in debt (still is actually after 20-odd years apart) whereas I went on to buy my own house and take early retirement. He has told me since that he felt I was trying to control him rather than the debts, and I have realised that whereas he likes to ignore problems and hope they disappear I am totally opposite and like to confront things and try to fathom a way out. It was more the different styles of dealing with things that caused the problem rather than the tings themselves.
Maybe you could factor in an amount for takeaways and cut down elsewhere? It sounds counter-intuitive but a bit like dieting - if something is prohibited then you seem to want it even more. So I wouldn't be buying the hotdogs and rolls etc. thinking they were going to be used. I know the cost is much less than a takeaway but it does save the food being wasted. As you say, I think there is more going on in his mind that maybe he isn't even aware of.

you are totally right ( both of you) Mr el has been dealing with a very stressful situation for the last year or so, to the extent he now is on anti depressants, he stands to loose his job shortly and is fighting to try and keep it, he is up against the work and has a union that doesnt have his back, so he is very stressed and i get it, but oh man it is so frustrating. Add to that his parents and our son he is very stressed, but like it has been pointed out decent food helps in these situations. I spose i can lead a horse to water but i cant make it drink.

lessonlearned wrote: »

Dreaming. I am no psychologist either but I agree with everything you've said. People do have different ways of dealing with "life issues", stress etc.

El you are obviously a "roll your sleeves up, let's get stuck in and sort this out kind of person". (Like me so I really do understand your frustrations).

Mr El, for whatever reasons, either temporarily because of the sheer load of stress or because he has a different way of dealing with things, obviously isn't approaching the idea of FIRE with the same commitment or enthusiasm as you are doing. He says it is what he wants but he's obviously not as focussed as you. Not yet.

Maybe it's a timing thing, maybe he just has too much else going on right now and he can't see the wood for the trees.

Whatever the reason, he's just not on the same page as you right now. Horrid expression I know but it does seem to sum up the current situation,

Where do you start.....well I think you start with yourself. I would say if he's not on your wavelength right now then, for the time being, just concentrate on yourself.

You ain't broke, you dont need fixing but I think you do need to start taking better care of yourself, more rest, better sleep, better food. I know exactly what you mean about your body craving decent food. I have to be careful what I eat because of digestive issues and I soon know if I'm not eating right, my body tells me.

When my husband was sick and I was rushing around like a lunatic, snatching a couple of hours sleep when I got the chance, grabbing food on the run etc my stomach was terrible. I was in agony.

My advice is to listen to your body and give it what it needs - decent food and some relaxation. Shift work is so hard on the body, hopefully now you are due a break from nights you might start to feel more human.

With regard to Mr El, I think Dreaming is right, dont give up on him entirely but for now just go with the flow on this one. Don't nag, or cajole, lead by example.

Let him have takeaways for now, if that's all he can cope with. He's obviously comfort eating, probably craving sugars and fats as a way of trying to feel better. It's a form of self medicating in a way. Ok not terribly healthy in the long term, but in the grand scheme of things, better than drugs, booze and fags or gambling. It could be so much worse.

If Mr El wants/needs to stoke up on junk food as a means of comfort then let him. He's a grown up, let him be. Like I said before - you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If, as you say, he is normally a bit of a gourmet he'll probably get disenchanted with junk food in the end - especially if he sees you tucking into a nice piece of steak and some fresh vegetables whilst he's making do with pizza.

In the meantime just focus on you. Look after yourself properly.

And please......you are not a failure. Not even close. So stop torturing yourself.

Repeat after me.......

My husband is a grown up. I am not responsible for my husband's health, wealth and happiness. I am not responsible for what he chooses to put in his mouth. I am however, responsible for my own wellbeing.

Put your own oxygen mask on first.....;)

very wise advice and one i need to start with, i'm starting with m, maybe that is the wisest move for now.

elantan

boultdj wrote: »

El, you have had some good advice from Dreaming and LL, I've done night's so I know it's hard sorting food out, one thing I've not seen is Mr El having his own 'spending money', so if he want's take away, he use's that money so he can see for himself how fast it goes.
You are not failing, you are learning and everyone has to learn, plus you only started this part of your journey a few day's ago.

This was something i had actually mentioned to mr el a while ago and he agreed, maybe i need to just implement it rather than talk about it

I think this month i will also just use cash for food and take away etc it will mean i will have a credit card bill for a few months but that ( i hope) will be a small price to pay in the future

monnagran wrote: »

I agree with boultdj. If you can't agree on how to manage a joint budget then separate the obligations. Perhaps you could agree on which bills you will each be responsible for. You could take control of the household food budget and if he wants extra like wine and takeaways then he buys them out of his budget. If you go on the way you are going, you are going to start resenting each other.

But no more paying £800 on food every month please. I know I live alone, but that is more than my entire income and I don't feel at all deprived.

i want to spend much less than 800 a month, i really do, hence why i am so frustrated.

elantan

Thanks for the support everyone i do appreciate it. I'm nights tonight but if i get a minute i will come up with a for me plan and work out a way to give Mr el treat money then hopefully discuss it with mr el tomorrow..

I aint sure if i will get the chance as i caught up with the work whats app group and it appears the SHTF quite literally today ... but if i get the chance i will

elantan

Did my night shift on friday, work pressures are building up, the systems were down and the work had the day from hell on friday, we inherited the mess friday night, i love my job i really do but the pressures and the shtf situations are occurring more often due to the complexities that are now being undertaken and they will naturally have an impact on the team, but we carry on regardless... i wouldnt be surprised though if many of us have ptsd.

on the food front

I have checked the freezer and found the following.

peas
sweetcorn
fruit
2x avacado
spinach
chips
black pudding
halloumi fries
3 portions of 2 chicken breast
4 beef meals ( Mr el will eat as i hated it)
4 x 500g of chicken tikka
curry paste
2 haggis truffles
4x bacon
stock
chicken oysters
2 lamb chops
4x indian mix base
2x fillet steak
jalapeno sausage
chilli sausage
sausage sizzler
burger
stewing steak
3x 250g mince
neck fillet steak
2x rump steak
lamb mince
meatballs
stock pack

so a fair bit in the freezer.

in the cupboards its mainly tinned tomatoes, tomato paste, lasagne sheets, almond butter, nuts and spices

i am heading to the shops soon for nuts ( if i remember right lidl have them on sale) carrots, chia seeds, onions,cheese, bananas, salad stuff, eggs, cold meat oat milk,

shower gel, shampoo, sanitary towels , toothpaste for the works food bank gift ( we are not doing a secret santa this year we are donating to a local food bank... i always noticed when i worked in the soup kitchen things like shampoo sanitary towels toothpaste etc were badly needed, so have decided to buy them)

then the plan for the rest of the day is organising things.

on the drinking front i joined the wine society and ordered 12 bottles of wine ( to get the free delivery) average price £9.99 so £2 a bottle cheaper, i know it isnt much of a saving but next time i plan on going down to £8.99 then £7.99 till i get to a level which we can settle on

boultdj

As the saying goes, Rome was not built in a day, you now know what you have in the freezer and cupboard's, know what other thing's you would like/need in to make meal's and that's a good drop down on each bottle of wine, what I will say about the wine club, is keep a book to write down the name's of the wine's you like a lot, some are only done in small batches and go quick.