friend in need , headache

skintas_2

basically i have a friend from my kids school her and her partner are on income support, they recieve dla. i know money is short, i have been on income support myself. she asked me to help her out with money sometimes , i did,never got it back. so just took it as a lesson. still carried on being friends. i noticed when we went out together she would go off and leave me while we went shopping. anyway went to town today and saw her. she told me she has been so skint over the last few weeks she has been shoplifting. baby needed nappies and milk. she went to take some food and i caught her and told her, no dont do it ill pay for that. i bought her the food. i know things are hard, im angry because how many times have i been with her and she has done this. if she is so skint how can she still smoke and drink. makes me mad. anyone have any advice. i dont want to fall out with her, i dont want her to keep doin this. maybe if she gets caught it will be a wake up call

iceicebaby

She must be absolutely desperate to resort to shoplifting, but then if she can still smoke and drink then she can't be prioritising her money very well.

Have you tried talking to her and maybe working out a budget with her ? maybe shes not good at managing her money and if she sees how it could be done then she will stop.

Stephb1986_2

maybe you should give her a wide berth because if people see her with you when she's shoplifting then next time they see you they will be watching you like a hawk. maybe you should tell her to change her priorites (sp) to her kids and not drinking and smoking. Maybe she should find a part time job while the kids are at school so she can get extra money.

Stephb xx

skintas_2

have tried even shown her this site. ive been told her oh is a alcoholic thats what all the money goes on. she does everything around the house. he doesnt even leave the house. i think she is under pressure with him. for the kids sake and hers to stop the shoplifting. even go to the doctors about the smoking and get patches............if i keep giving her money i think she mite turn nasty when i say no

Stephb1986_2

if you keep giving her money its making her worse, she wont learn to stand on her own two feet you have your own family to support can you really afford to support her family too??? just tell her nicely that you cant afford to keep lending her money as your saving up for something (make random excuse) then she will stop asking you, you owe her nothing what does she do for you?

Sorry i sound harsh but i dont want someone taking the mick out of your kind nature.

Stephb xx

iceicebaby

If you think she may get nasty if you stop giving her money then i think its time to stop going shopping with her and try to distance yourself. You will only end up getting implicated by association. Theres only so much you can do for someone and theres not much else you can do now unless she is willing to start helping herself

skintas_2

yep icebaby ur rite i think im gonna stay busy for the next month, my problem is im to soft/nice i think it stands out by a mile for some people. i have offered her to babysit every now and again for me and ill give her some money.....im now having second thoughts

Stephb1986_2

she might go snooping round your house and nick things i wouldnt want to take the risk she wont help herself so you shouldnt your too nice!

geekgirl

It is a real shame for her to be in this situation and now is probably a time when she could really use a good friend.

Do not go shopping with her cos she may start to steal in front of you so that you will pay.

If you intend staying friends with her do not under any circumstances whatsoever give her a penny more. You are not helping her as a friend by doing that. Alternatively you could give her the phone number of Alanon (http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/) who will help partners of alcoholics and help her see that she doesn't have to live this life then that is being a friend.


If you find you are too nice to do this for her then I would advise giving her a wide berth.

kathy206

^^^^totally agree with geekgirl. Avoid giving her money and avoid shopping with her. If she asks why tell her the truth.Good advice re Alanon too. If she turns nasty then back off. If you keep giving her money there will be no incentive to give up the drink/seek help for her partner's problem. HTH Good luck, Kathyxx

paddy's_mum

skintas - if you analyse all that you have written here about this person, you will see that actually she is not a friend at all! She is a woman who is quite happy to put the problems in her own life onto your shoulders.

It is not your husband who is drinking a big chunk of the family's income. You are not the one struggling with money after you have drunk and smoked a lot of it away, to the detriment of your children. You are not the one who is putting a friend at risk by shoplifting when you have gone into town together. You are not the one borrowing money and then failing to pay it back.

If you actually take this so-called friendship apart, and discard all the bad bits, what are you left with? A person that you happen to know and feel sorry for but one who could, if you are not very, very careful, put you in a dreadful position. Suppose she gets arrested and you apparently are with her or 'helped' her. There is an old saying (not always accurate but probably so in this particular case) "you can't lie in the mud with pigs and expect to get up smelling of roses"!

She is clearly a woman who needs help but it should not be at your expense, nor be a cause of deep worry to you. She has legs to walk and a tongue in her head - step back until you see signs that she is at least trying to help herself.

In my experience, people who have got into this kind of situation are also, through desperation, more than willing to tell blatant lies about you, cause endless trouble, and at the end, when you are forced to give up such an uneven, unrewarding friendship, have not one word of gratitude or appreciation for all your effort and support. I'd be getting out now, before she drags you down ever deeper. Good luck.