Abusive relationships and moving on!!

JennyJukes

I've been there as well. It took me about a year before I would really talk about it. I second contacting the domestic abuse helpline as they will remind you that it was abuse and hopefully sign post you to recovery. I also had PTSD after it. Not sure the specifics but I hear it can be more difficult if they were the one that left you (I left mine) and leave you without any contact as you're left without closure. For me I left my ex and went into a womans refuge, he still had contact with me and a turning point was when I blocked him from everywhere so I didn't have the constant reminders and kept in touch with my support worker.

Illbedamned

Its been 8 years since i got out of my abusive relationship (serial cheater, liar, verbally abusive narcassit)

For quite a while afterwards i struggled, mainly because im been told over and over how nobody would ever want me or put up with me (i have mh issues), but it does get better.

Met my lovely oh 5 years ago and by god....what a difference it makes being with someone who treats you right, hes supportive, he'd kind, he's loving, he looks after me, i think we've perhaps only argued maybe 4 times, where as with my ex it was multiple arguments a day. It took a longtime for me to trust again, but i 100% do now. I still do things related to the abusive realtionship (asking permission to go out for one-OH tells me i dont need his permission, go out, enjoy yourself) but slowly im getting comfortable being in a proper loving relationship.

paddyz

I’ve had some terrible relationships, controlling and manipulated by some quite disgusting men looking back I was often used and mentally abused, and by men I loved and cared for deeply and last man was especially horrific and had a sadistic hidden streak that come out and caused nothing but pain and fear and had me doubting everything I thought I was good at

The whole trauma of it has seriously left it’s mark so I’m putting myself first now and don’t plan on getting into another relationship in the future, I know they say it’s the persons weakness that constantly hurts a partner but due to my poor choices of men I do think it’s also my responsibility for letting in these men

I’ve had those nights when you wake up sweating at stupid o’clock feeling they are here and the ordeal of abuse is still happening and getting back to sleeps a nightmare, the mind just goes over everything again and again

But they do pass and always remember you can heal, you deserve to heal and you will be the person you deserve to be

Runningfast

Thanks everyone,

definitely something I need to work through, its the being mentally and emotionally drained that is getting me.

missprice

Can you do the freedom programme online I think its cheap or free if you do it in person if you can find it locally.
Also a few books you could read, maybe from a library or cheap off Amazon. Or some can be downloaded for free
Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.
Scared to leave, afraid to stay, Barry Goldstein
Anger, how to live with and without it, Albert Ellis.

Google for some others.
And yes give yourself time. It's a hard thing to go through.

Runningfast

I think part of it from my side is the embarrassment. I'm the male I simply won't talk to people I know about it because Im embarrassed by it all.

Friends and Family know it was bad but don't know how bad it was. They all had significant run ins with her mainly around her expecting them to live their lives by her rules also. Example being she would often fall out with my mates so that mate had to go but because other friends would carry on taking to that person those mates had to go also as they showed no loyalty to her!! This extended to family for example she hated my family, then would make it impossible for me to do anything with them without war breaking out as in her mind I was choosing them over her!!

Thats the mild part !!

Thanks for your help everyone. One of the reasons why I kept the first post relatively gender neutral, felt like I might be judged. An example of this, I asked something similar on a FB forum the first post back was asking what had I don't to make her act like that!!

HurdyGurdy

https://www.mankind.org.uk/ - they are a helpline especially for male victims of domestic abuse.

Alex Skeel, whose girlfriend was the first to be jailed under the coercive control laws, for domestic abuse against him, is an ambassador for them.

You've taken a huge step by reaching out for help, and you are certainly not alone.

badmemory

The relationship I was in was just controlling, nothing too awful really, but it still takes a lot of time to get over - now 30 years. My friend of 13 years (can't really call him boyfriend but I won't actually live with him because of the past) last night told me I looked really tired & to go to bed. Just because he cares. Unfortunately he got a bit of a mouthful from me about don't you try to tell me what to do. Do I feel bad about that? Darn right I do. Could I have stopped myself? Really doubt it especially because I was really tired.


I often feel that I should have got over it by now because it really wasn't as bad as many we read about on here thankfully. But it was my second one, after controlling parents. Also thankfully my friend understands & tells me to stop apologising, but then he's known me since I was 18 (over 55 years ago) & saw how different my life was to his even then.


There was no help back then but there is now, so take it as soon as possible. My mother "controlled" my father but in the nicest possible way, he had no idea actually, but she wasn't so kind to her children & made him complicit. My sister still tries it with me until it dawns on her & she gets an OMG look on her face & backs off. It is catching, a learnt behaviour.

calleyw

Runningfast wrote: »

Thanks for your help everyone. One of the reasons why I kept the first post relatively gender neutral, felt like I might be judged. An example of this, I asked something similar on a FB forum the first post back was asking what had I don't to make her act like that!!

And that is why men don't seek help. With attitudes like that. You find often it is gender biased. Ask the same question and change the genders around and you often get different answers.

No matter what the gender if they treat you the way you have been, my answer would be the same leave.

Remember you are not weak or stupid. You fell for the wrong person and they treated you badly. Think about yourself and what goals you want to achieve. Either personally, financially or career wise. I do hope that you managed to re build the relationships and friendships.

Its hard when you have a friend in your situation you never know how to help as what ever you do it will be wrong. So often you drift away as we feel our hands are tied and don't know what to do but feel so guilty for not being able to help.

I wish you all the best.

Take lots of care and be kind to yourself.

Yours

Calley x

missprice

Runningfast wrote: »

I think part of it from my side is the embarrassment. I'm the male I simply won't talk to people I know about it because Im embarrassed by it all.

Snipped for brevity

Thanks for your help everyone. One of the reasons why I kept the first post relatively gender neutral, felt like I might be judged. An example of this, I asked something similar on a FB forum the first post back was asking what had I don't to make her act like that!!

The freedom programme is for anyone. The books I suggest are for anyone. Sex doesn't matter. Even I know both sexes can do terrible things.
And it is sex, not gender.