Difficult mother - anyone else? And how do you keep sane?

Hectors_House

Flugelhorn wrote: »

Lot of us about - (children of NPD mothers that is)

I’m a twin and my mother told me when I was very little (about seven years old) that the vest way to raise twins is divide and conquer.

I’m just glad she died before my father. Ours was one of those households where when you started making friends and visiting them at their homes you realised something wasn’t right. I still look at adverts featuring well balanced families and think that’s all made up.

Hectors_House

hieveryone wrote: »

Not sure what I'm looking for here - a bit of solidarity really before I lose my cool.

My mum has always been 'difficult'. By that I mean, awkward, cannot take a joke/banter, always see the negatives etc. When I was younger I could mainly deal with it, but now that I'm older I find it really grates on me and I find it quite exhausting.

She's also incredibly jealous - especially around my son and my in-laws. I try as much as possible to keep them apart as I (and probably everyone around us) can see that my Mum doesn't like them. They are not bad people, but the dynamics around me being her daughter and them being my inlaws are difficult for her to accept I think.

She's generally very difficult, and to be quite honest, draining to be around at times.

We've had a fair few bust ups over the years but I really can't be bothered with it anymore.

Anyone in a similar situation and how do you deal with it?


Please note the 'hard tough love' approach does not work with my mother, she'll take the silent high road and make me out to be the bad guy - and then my son will never see his grandparents which I do not want to do.

That last paragraph worries me. Don’t make your son spend time with them if it’s a toxic environment.

The same mindgames she played with you when you were little she will play on your son.

My mother used to leave us with our maternal grandparents knowing full well what a sleaze her stepfather was. He used to make us sit on his lap and touch us. I never did understand why she would take us there and just leave us with them for hours.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hectors_House wrote: »

I’m a twin and my mother told me when I was very little (about seven years old) that the vest way to raise twins is divide and conquer.

I’m just glad she died before my father. Ours was one of those households where when you started making friends and visiting them at their homes you realised something wasn’t right. I still look at adverts featuring well balanced families and think that’s all made up.

Gosh that is awful, divide and conquer

Same for me, when you start visiting others houses, you realise yours is different somehow

I was completely and utterly stunned when I met my Husband. His family are very normal. They actually like each other.

I still struggle to get my head around it even now. I didnt know that was a thing, families liking each other

pickledonionspaceraider

Hectors_House wrote: »

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hieveryone

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Gosh that is awful, divide and conquer

Same for me, when you start visiting others houses, you realise yours is different somehow

I was completely and utterly stunned when I met my Husband. His family are very normal. They actually like each other.

I still struggle to get my head around it even now. I didnt know that was a thing, families liking each other

Yes this! My MIL sometimes talks about having 'fall outs' with her sister, but they make up. This is what is new to me - someone crosses my mum, that's it, they're out.

Hectors_House

hieveryone wrote: »

Yes this! My MIL sometimes talks about having 'fall outs' with her sister, but they make up. This is what is new to me - someone crosses my mum, that's it, they're out.

Despite living all over the world and having a successful career my father has been left with no friends now his wife is dead.

He’s actually, finally getting to know her sisters and brothers - that’s how tightly she controlled her family unit.

They never could keep friends cus she would always find something wrong with the people and drive them away with her constant negativity. She was also very paranoid. In her eyes everyone was out to get her, to rip her off etc. I never went shopping with her as I was disgusted by the appalling way she spoke to shop assistants.

In later years she controlled as much of my sisters life as she could. She got involved in any phone calls that had to be made regarding my house (utility companies etc) until I heard the way she spoke to someone on the phone once. I stopped her there and then when I realised that not only was she being very offensive to anyone she spoke to she was also making out she was my sister (she knew better than to pretend she was me).

She was blacklisted by catalogue companies for constantly ordering clothes then sending them back. She then signed up to them all again using my sisters name. I put a stop to that too.

It’s endless. I moved away years ago.

pickledonionspaceraider

hieveryone wrote: »

Yes this! My MIL sometimes talks about having 'fall outs' with her sister, but they make up. This is what is new to me - someone crosses my mum, that's it, they're out.

Yep, same here. 'Out for good' was normally the way forwards- I only ever met aunts and uncles, once or twice

Some of the reasons for falling out were ridiculous. Mother was constantly on the look out for reasons to fall out and look the victim

'Aunty Flo thinks she is better than me, I want nothing more to do with her'

My Grannie, we did have a relationship with her - until there was a falling out over something and that was it - no more granny, for about ten years . In fact I didn't see Gran again until after I had left 'home'

pickledonionspaceraider

Hectors_House wrote: »

Despite living all over the world and having a successful career my father has been left with no friends now his wife is dead.

He’s actually, finally getting to know her sisters and brothers - that’s how tightly she controlled her family unit.

They never could keep friends cus she would always find something wrong with the people and drive them away with her constant negativity. She was also very paranoid. In her eyes everyone was out to get her, to rip her off etc. I never went shopping with her as I was disgusted by the appalling way she spoke to shop assistants.

In later years she controlled as much of my sisters life as she could. She got involved in any phone calls that had to be made regarding my house (utility companies etc) until I heard the way she spoke to someone on the phone once. I stopped her there and then when I realised that not only was she being very offensive to anyone she spoke to she was also making out she was my sister (she knew better than to pretend she was me).

She was blacklisted by catalogue companies for constantly ordering clothes then sending them back. She then signed up to them all again using my sisters name. I put a stop to that too.

It’s endless. I moved away years ago.

You so did the right thing moving away.

What you said in your first two paragraphs concerns me that my Dad could be left in that exact situation.

hieveryone

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

Yep, same here. 'Out for good' was normally the way forwards- I only ever met aunts and uncles, once or twice

Some of the reasons for falling out were ridiculous. Mother was constantly on the look out for reasons to fall out and look the victim

'Aunty Flo thinks she is better than me, I want nothing more to do with her'

My Grannie, we did have a relationship with her - until there was a falling out over something and that was it - no more granny, for about ten years . In fact I didn't see Gran again until after I had left 'home'

Totally this! Also, status seems to be a big thing with my mum. I'm relatively successful in my career, and out of my family probably the most traditionally successful (not being arsey, just fact) - and this is a constant source of discussion for my mum. She thinks the other family members must be jealous of me and likes to revel in the fact that I'm so 'successful' and their children 'aren't' (in her eyes).

RuthnJasper

Thank you for starting this thread, OP, and for all the honest responses. I am really struggling in a similar situation myself at present and am somewhat comforted (sorry, I know that sounds inappropriate, but I can't think of another description) to read that it's not just me.

Best wishes to you all. x