Difficult mother - anyone else? And how do you keep sane?

hieveryone

Not sure what I'm looking for here - a bit of solidarity really before I lose my cool.

My mum has always been 'difficult'. By that I mean, awkward, cannot take a joke/banter, always see the negatives etc. When I was younger I could mainly deal with it, but now that I'm older I find it really grates on me and I find it quite exhausting.

She's also incredibly jealous - especially around my son and my in-laws. I try as much as possible to keep them apart as I (and probably everyone around us) can see that my Mum doesn't like them. They are not bad people, but the dynamics around me being her daughter and them being my inlaws are difficult for her to accept I think.

She's generally very difficult, and to be quite honest, draining to be around at times.

We've had a fair few bust ups over the years but I really can't be bothered with it anymore.

Anyone in a similar situation and how do you deal with it?


Please note the 'hard tough love' approach does not work with my mother, she'll take the silent high road and make me out to be the bad guy - and then my son will never see his grandparents which I do not want to do.

oystercatcher

Definitely there with you. My mother has always been difficult, negative, condescending and wrapped up in herself. I grew up feeling very unloved although logic says she does love me and has done her best. I didn't have the same physical things or relationship with her as my peers seemed to have. Sweets were 'bad for you', toys were 'a waste of money'!

Recently I have been wondering if a) I am autistic b) she is autistic. That would certainly explain a few things but doesn't change anything, we are as we are and have to live our lives.

In the last few years Mum has been widowed and is needing a lot more care from me which has been very difficult for us both. I try and ignore the negative comments and bite my tongue when she makes thoughtless comments. I try and be firm but kind. Easier said than done sometimes. My brother is a teacher and I noticed he has had " You're starting to annoy me now, lets stop talking like this " conversations. Mum literally doesn't realise that she is being unreasonable.

I think there is always that parent /child aspect so she will say " Oh Oyster! "in a disappointed voice, as if I am a terrible child simply because I like my coffee stronger than she does and she sees this as 'unhealthy' so I have to be the adult and ignore her when it would be so easy to make a sarcastic remark back and start yet another argument.

It's really helped having my brothers input and him saying she's really snappy etc sometimes so I realise it's not just me and that although it often seems she's favouring him I don't think she does really, she just likes to point out differences.

So difficult though , she's my Mum and she won't be there for ever , she needs me and I feel so guilty for not wanting to be there sometimes !

hb2

OP, you have my sympathy! I always had a very difficult relationship with my Mum - there was a reason I referred to her as 'Smother. In the long run, I had to accept that she was not going to change and I would try to respond in an adult manner, even if I felt I was being treated like a child.

Paradoxically, Mum became kinder and easier to love as a result of dementia. This allowed us to have a different relationship for the few years until she died. I am glad of that as I always thought I would feel very guilty when she died but, as it turned out, I had nothing for which to reproach myself in the end.

Ellidee

Have you considered that your Mother might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder ? There is a group on facebook called 'Narcissistic Parents Answers' which has helped me to realise that this was the problem with my Mother. She died a few years ago and I wish I had understood this when she was alive. It wouldn't have changed her but it would have helped me to deal with her and it would have improved my emotional health. Hope this helps

hieveryone

Ellidee wrote: »

Have you considered that your Mother might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder ? There is a group on facebook called 'Narcissistic Parents Answers' which has helped me to realise that this was the problem with my Mother. She died a few years ago and I wish I had understood this when she was alive. It wouldn't have changed her but it would have helped me to deal with her and it would have improved my emotional health. Hope this helps

At times, yes. Her love always seemed 'conditional' - she would (and still does) spoil me and buy lots of materialistic things, but if I 'stepped out of line' then threats of things being removed, or 'not getting the toy I wanted' would always appear. She's also very good at the silent treatment.

I know from her younger years she didn't have a great upbringing and had some unhealthy relationships in her adult life.

I think I do understand it, but I don't alway understand how to deal with it.

Timpu

hieveryone wrote: »

She's generally very difficult, and to be quite honest, draining to be around at times.

We've had a fair few bust ups over the years but I really can't be bothered with it anymore.

Anyone in a similar situation and how do you deal with it?

Completely empathise. Some steps that work for me:

• Limit exposure. Phone calls can be short and visits short and sweet. Any complaints of not visiting enough get ignored.
• Provide no audience, invite your Mum (plus partner?) over and no one else. If there is no audience then there is no one to play up to. Christmas is tricky but the rest of the year, easy peasy.
• When there is poor behaviour, don't engage. No eye contact, no objection, no sighing, nothing, nil, nada. Leave the room or start a quiet separate conversation with someone else.

hieveryone

Timpu wrote: »

Completely empathise. Some steps that work for me:

• Limit exposure. Phone calls can be short and visits short and sweet. Any complaints of not visiting enough get ignored.
• Provide no audience, invite your Mum (plus partner?) over and no one else. If there is no audience then there is no one to play up to. Christmas is tricky but the rest of the year, easy peasy.
• When there is poor behaviour, don't engage. No eye contact, no objection, no sighing, nothing, nil, nada. Leave the room or start a quiet separate conversation with someone else.

Thank you, and it's just occurred to me that actually, I do a lot of these.

It sounds so petty, but little things are so draining. She will come to my home and if there's a TV programme on it's constant 'I don't like her', 'god she's put on the weight hasn't she?'. It's draining.

I do try to avoid mixing with family etc but it's difficult as my in-laws then question why they haven't seen them. I've been with my husband for over 10 years and my mum will still do that whole 'polite but distant' attitude which can come across as incredibly arrogant and infant, rude. She doesn't have great social skills/confidence in general and I think that definitely contributes.

Don't get me wrong, she's a fab grandmother to my son, she adores him - probably because he's small and adores her too. I don't think she'd dare threaten to remove toys etc from him as it's very different to how I parent.

Hectors_House

My mother was most likely a narcissist.

She often asked me to have a child so she could bring it up (she assumed I would make a lousy mother). There is no way I’d hand a child over to her so she could play her games again.


It was the second anniversary of her death yesterday and I wasn’t even aware.

It sounds as though you are doing things to protect yourself from your mothers negative influence. Sadly, if she had NPD there is no cure.

Robisere

My mother hated me because I was born male.

That is a true statement: her first child was a girl who died at 3 months, then boys and I came along almost a generation after the last one. I was apparently a difficult birth and all I heard for years was "I almost died having you!" I stood that, and the beatings, until I snapped and said "I never asked to be conceived or born!"

Eventually she hit me so hard she put me in a coma and I was sent to an aunt's in another county for almost 3 years. I was loved and treated as a another son there, loved my aunt more than I could ever love my mother. When I returned she had received treatment for her mental condition. I never felt anything for her until the day she died, I told her then that I would kill her if she hit me again. My dad was a strong man and a great father, but his one weakness was my mother. At 13 I left home to work on a traveling fair: police found me and brought me back. At 16 I went to sea, at 18 I joined the Army. I became totally self-reliant but suffered with poor relationships, then returned when my parents were both ill and cared for them until they died: between their passing's I met my wife and found what love was really like when it's real.

OP, it doesn't matter why your mum is how she is. You have a family and they come first. Stop trying to please someone who will not be pleased.

couriervanman

hieveryone wrote: »

Not sure what I'm looking for here - a bit of solidarity really before I lose my cool.

My mum has always been 'difficult'. By that I mean, awkward, cannot take a joke/banter, always see the negatives etc. When I was younger I could mainly deal with it, but now that I'm older I find it really grates on me and I find it quite exhausting.

She's also incredibly jealous - especially around my son and my in-laws. I try as much as possible to keep them apart as I (and probably everyone around us) can see that my Mum doesn't like them. They are not bad people, but the dynamics around me being her daughter and them being my inlaws are difficult for her to accept I think.

She's generally very difficult, and to be quite honest, draining to be around at times.

We've had a fair few bust ups over the years but I really can't be bothered with it anymore.

Anyone in a similar situation and how do you deal with it?


Please note the 'hard tough love' approach does not work with my mother, she'll take the silent high road and make me out to be the bad guy - and then my son will never see his grandparents which I do not want to do.

Life's too short if she's ar5ey with you she will be ar5ey with your son.
My wife's father and stepmother couldn't be bothered with helping out/seeing grand kids always picking faults.......so by the time they passed away it was no great loss to anybody.

Flugelhorn

Hectors_House wrote: »

My mother was most likely a narcissist.

She often asked me to have a child so she could bring it up (she assumed I would make a lousy mother). There is no way I’d hand a child over to her so she could play her games again.


It was the second anniversary of her death yesterday and I wasn’t even aware.

It sounds as though you are doing things to protect yourself from your mothers negative influence. Sadly, if she had NPD there is no cure.

Lot of us about - (children of NPD mothers that is)