How do I change?

Diane9087

Hello!

I worry this is too convoluted but I have no one else to ask and no where else to go.

Long boring story... so I’ll condense it as much as I can. I have a horrible nagging feeling there is something wrong with me. I can quite put my finger on it and despite seeing various mental health professionals I have never had any answers. To put it simply. I seem to put people off. By that I mean I almost seem to, through no conscious knowledge, make people leave and never want to speak to me again.

I think I’m quite a quiet person which puts people off and I know as a child I had issues with friendships as I just seem to stay quiet. I should add I’m 43 now.
I’m in a long term relationship with a man who tells me every day how much I have ruined his life. He doesn’t really go into detail about how I have, just that I have. I have had a few jobs on and off throughout the years and mostly got on with people on a superficial level.
Currently I’m not permitted to work as my partner is convinced I will run off? Again this must be the vibes I give off. Without meaning too.
I have 2 teenage children who hate me, unless I’m giving out money. They describe me as pathetic. Sad. Could just be normal teenage angst I suppose but it eats away at me really. My eldest physically attacked me last year when I tried to lay down some rules. I’m currently waiting on surgery on my jaw but partner said at the time this is what you do to people.
My family are a bit odd tbh. My mother only gets in touch when she needs something. Other than that I’m not permitted at her home and she rarely visits. My dad stopped speaking to me out of the blue years ago and I can’t track him down. Partner said it’s pointless anyway my parents hate me so why would I try to see or speak to them.

Does anyone have any ideas? I have tried being more flexible giving everyone what will make them happy and I still seem to be hated. Psychologist seemed to want to work on my confidence and was keen I got a job etc. I stooped going as partner felt it wasn’t fixing me. How can I fix what I don’t know is wrong?
Any advice will be gratefully accepted. Thanks

Comms69

Diane9087 wrote: »

Hello!

I worry this is too convoluted but I have no one else to ask and no where else to go.

Long boring story... so I’ll condense it as much as I can. I have a horrible nagging feeling there is something wrong with me. I can quite put my finger on it and despite seeing various mental health professionals I have never had any answers. To put it simply. I seem to put people off. By that I mean I almost seem to, through no conscious knowledge, make people leave and never want to speak to me again.

I think I’m quite a quiet person which puts people off and I know as a child I had issues with friendships as I just seem to stay quiet. I should add I’m 43 now.
I’m in a long term relationship with a man who tells me every day how much I have ruined his life. He doesn’t really go into detail about how I have, just that I have. I have had a few jobs on and off throughout the years and mostly got on with people on a superficial level. - why are you still together?
Currently I’m not permitted to work as my partner is convinced I will run off? Again this must be the vibes I give off. Without meaning too. - That's abuse. Call the police, today.
I have 2 teenage children who hate me, unless I’m giving out money. They describe me as pathetic. Sad. Could just be normal teenage angst I suppose but it eats away at me really. - understandably. That is something that will change when you regain confidence My eldest physically attacked me last year when I tried to lay down some rules. I’m currently waiting on surgery on my jaw but partner said at the time this is what you do to people. - CALL THE POLICE, NOW
My family are a bit odd tbh. My mother only gets in touch when she needs something. Other than that I’m not permitted at her home and she rarely visits. My dad stopped speaking to me out of the blue years ago and I can’t track him down. Partner said it’s pointless anyway my parents hate me so why would I try to see or speak to them.

Does anyone have any ideas? I have tried being more flexible giving everyone what will make them happy and I still seem to be hated. Psychologist seemed to want to work on my confidence and was keen I got a job etc. I stooped going as partner felt it wasn’t fixing me. How can I fix what I don’t know is wrong?
Any advice will be gratefully accepted. Thanks

Pick up your phone, dial 101 and report this abuse, now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Now.


Then change the locks on the house.

elsien

This isn't about your personality.
Taking your post at face value this is about being in an abusive and controlling relationship where your children have picked up on your partners attitude towards you and where your partner is sabotaging any attempts to improve your self esteem and wellbeing.

Call women's aid for the opportunity to talk your situation through confidentiality and start to work though your options. And to help you keep yourself safe in the meantime.

Diane9087

I’m not perfect. And he’s never physically hit me. The situation with my child was a difficult one, I had annoyed her and I was being confrontational with her. I think it was sheer anger, she got an ornament and hit me in the face with it,
I got upset yesterday as I honestly feel no one would care if I was dead. And my eldest and partner were talking about me like I wasn’t there.
I thank you for your posts and if I were reading this I’d think similar. But this is a common occurrence throughout my life. I seem to bring out the very very worst in people....and then they get fed up and leave.
If I were to leave I would have no one. I have no friends. No family. I would literally have my dog. That’s it.
At times I do think they’d all be better off.
Again thank you

kazwookie

I’m in a long term relationship with a man who tells me every day how much I have ruined his life. He doesn’t really go into detail about how I have, just that I have. I have had a few jobs on and off throughout the years and mostly got on with people on a superficial level.
Currently I’m not permitted to work as my partner is convinced I will run off? Again this must be the vibes I give off. Without meaning too.

You need to dump this person NOW. Abuse



You need to step up and start putting your foot down re your children, you are the adult, while they live in your house, they meet your rules.
If they want money, get them to do chores, / age dependent or get a job. / no chores etc no money, explain to them you are not a bank

KxMx

Abuse is by no means limited to physically hitting someone. Even if you feel your life is a pattern of people giving up on you, your current relationship is important here.

Please do some reading here:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
And call them, just to talk.

calleyw

Diane,

Please don't blame your self you are victim of abusive relationships. If your friend came to you and told you what you have just written. What you say to them. Pack a bag and run as fast as you can.

Its not normal for your partner or children to talk and behave in the way your have mentioned.We all know that its hard for anyone to leave relationship. No wonder your self esteem is rock bottom with people treating you this way.

At least the light bulb has started to flicker on in your head that something is not right. I have read the statistic it takes up to 7 times for a woman to finally leave an abusive relationship.

If your partner hates you that much he thinks you have ruined his life why is still there. Because he can boss and control you. You don't have to be hit for it to be abusive relationship. You might like to read this. https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/domestic-abuse-laws-revenge-!!!!!!-14278228

You don't need to to do anything drastic but start your planning to leave. Remove your important papers such as birth certificate etc out of the house and too a safe place. Start to save money if you can and put where no one knows apart from you where it is.

Please talk to woman aid and any friends and family you have that will listen. Its so easy to blame yourself that is all your fault and that they only behave like that because of you. That is not true.

You say it would be only you and your dog. Well your dog gives you unconditional love. And will always love you. At the moment you can't see that it would be better with out your partner and children in your life. As you fear the unknown. But better to be alone than be treated the way you are.

I wish you you all the best and the strength that you need to deal with and make a better a life for yourself.

Yours


Calley x

elsien

You may want to read up about coercive control. And victim blaming. Abuse isn't just physical.

Please consider phoning women's aid anyway. It doesn't commit you to anything. You have had years of being told you are worthless - it takes time to start not believing it.

You will get people on here telling you to leave. It's not always that straightforward and you may decide to leave or you may not. There are no decisions that need to be made right now. But please speak to someone who understands what you are going through. And If you start to have feelings of not wanting to be here, then call the Samaritans.

74jax

WOW


How do you change? You leave the relationship you are currently in and then adapt.


Your first line 'long boring story'..... this is not a long boring story. A story is what you read, closed the book and go back to real life. What you have wrote is YOUR REAL LIFE.... this is how you are living, existing......


You say your partner has never hit you, you do know they don't have to in order for you to be in an abusive relationship?


My previous posts go way deep into my 'long boring story' as you call it. I was in an abusive relationship and is practically destroyed me. Your thoughts become confused, you start to think and feel what your abuser tells you, you don't really think for yourself.


How long have you been together and is he the dad of your children?


our partner says don't get in touch with your family as they hate you so why bother. But he has said the same to you and you still talk to him, in fact you share the same house (I am guessing).


Pick up the phone and contact Womens Aid. If only to talk to them and nothing else.






You say everyone would be better off or not notice if you weren't there. So plan your escape, plan how to get help, what to take and go. Once you have built up strength again then you can contact your family if you want. Leave a note saying you have left so they don't consider you have gone off and get the police involved etc.


If you are using a computer to access here, delete the browsing history.


I am proof that you can escape controlling behaviour, if you want too. You can change how you react to people speaking to you and you can change your thought process to become your own again.

surveyqueenuk

You poor love, everything people are saying here is true. Please contact Women's Aid - you could even just copy/paste what you have written here into an email to them. Also look up 'gaslighting'.

CakeCrusader

I agree with everyone here, the problem isn't you. Your self esteem is through the floor, you're being mistreated. The psychologist was right to want to help you with this, but your partner has stopped you from getting help, he's stopped you from being able to stand up for yourself. Abuse isn't always physical or sexual, it can be years of being drip fed comments that make you feel rubbish, that make you feel not wanted, comments that demean you or are said to put you down. You don't bring the worst out in people, this is about them and it won't be anything that you've done.



The best way to start is by contacting Women's Aid and getting support. You are really brave to have posted on here asking for help, there's a really strong brave lady in you. You can break free of all of this.