Budget ‘Burnout’

Scrimps

I got to this stage too with YNAB, it was helpful at first but I have got rid of it now and use pen and paper/spreadhseet. I havent read all the responses but really wanted to respond to say...I was in the exact same position except my husband was better at not spending money and was completely on board with cutting waste.

It might not be the case for you but what I eventually realised was that it was a bit of an anxiety disorder and my reviewing of YNAB was a bit compulsive.

My husband got a bit more on board when I got home from my counselling session and just said; "we have got into this dynamic where I have to have the answer for everything in the home, when actually its a joint responsibility so we both need to work on changing this as I cant cope with it any more".

If something broke in the house he would report it to me and I would say 'I'll look at that later'....it was this many times every day so my list of things to look at was growing and growing and I had to carry that around in my head.....on top of the constant budgeting and planning and planning and planning! Youve had lots of good things said - we have 'canteen/oven' food night instead of takeaways, I stopped using ynab, Groceries we took out cash for a week rather than a month as this stopped me waiting for pay day.

When my DH asked a question it was easy to answer himself I just started staying silent like I hadnt heard him or sayng I dont know or asking him to check for himself. I wasnt trying to be obnoxious, he knew why I was doing it, it was just to highlight the dynamic we got into where he asked an inane question and I answered it instead of him just looking for himself. If I walked into the kitchen for him to report the broken dishwasher to me id ask. 'Are you telling me so i investigate and fix it'? just to highlight the resopnsibility was being passed to me again.

Ive recently had problems getting him to tell me what he wants on the meal plan (doesnt eat meat or dairy) and then low level grumbling about being bored by food and always hungry, so now he has full responsibility for the meal plan until he can get himself to engage a bit more - it turned out he needed to walk around the supermarket to get some ideas of whats there but he hadnt done the shopping in a year or so because I had been doing it all.

I still open my money spreadsheet too much, I still plan plan plan, to the point its andOCD thing. I realised I hadnt read a book or sat and watched a film in a long time. Part of that it because I have 2 young children but also because I was always meal panning/budgeting/worrying with numbers. I have to activily force myself not to do this ad find ways to relax. It might not be the case with you but perhaps consider it and force yourself to put the budget down/not look at MSE/and think about something else when you find yourself worrying about money despite all the bills having been paid.

Davy_Jones_II

How are the other jobs split? Do you insure tax, and service the car? Do you clear the gutters, cut the grass and clean the patio?

Do you put up the shelves, clean the drains, paint the windows and creosote the shed?

I ask as I know one or two couples where the man works, the woman looks after the house, but all of the above jobs fall to the man anyway, then seem to get left out when the task list is discussed.

Anoneemoose

Davy_Jones_II wrote: »

How are the other jobs split? Do you insure tax, and service the car? Do you clear the gutters, cut the grass and clean the patio?

Do you put up the shelves, clean the drains, paint the windows and creosote the shed?

I ask as I know one or two couples where the man works, the woman looks after the house, but all of the above jobs fall to the man anyway, then seem to get left out when the task list is discussed.

Generally if anything needs doing in the house, I arrange it. The only thing he does regularly in the summer is cut the grass once a week or so.

He’s not the best at DIY so we generally don’t bother, although to give him his dues, he is good with an IKEA flat pack! He did put our wardrobes together but that’s generally a once a year or so thing and now they’re all done, won’t be needed again for a very long time.

Car stuff tends to be a joint thing. We both have a look for insurance deals, either together or on different sites at the same time. Similarly with service/MOT. Like a take turns thing. He does, however, deal with ALL technical stuff. I have no idea about all of that.

Davy_Jones_II

This doesn’t sound like a bad split.

Perhaps you need a few simple rules to help him to help you with the budget, ones that he would be happy to agree to.

Scrimps

it sounds like youre the problem solver and trying to keep everyone happy. If you overspend, you find ways to cover it. If there is a problem with your MIL buying too much stuff, your partner doesnt want to solution it so you feel you have to, It sounds like you have been trying to coach your partner to help without getting into conflict with him.

perhaps, thete does have to be conflict. Perhaps someone else will have to find the solution and you might have to just shrug your shoulders and say 'i dont know'. But if you keep being the one to step in and fix things, you will always be the one stepping in and having to fix things.

Anoneemoose

Scrimps wrote: »

I got to this stage too with YNAB, it was helpful at first but I have got rid of it now and use pen and paper/spreadhseet. I havent read all the responses but really wanted to respond to say...I was in the exact same position except my husband was better at not spending money and was completely on board with cutting waste.

It might not be the case for you but what I eventually realised was that it was a bit of an anxiety disorder and my reviewing of YNAB was a bit compulsive.

My husband got a bit more on board when I got home from my counselling session and just said; "we have got into this dynamic where I have to have the answer for everything in the home, when actually its a joint responsibility so we both need to work on changing this as I cant cope with it any more".

If something broke in the house he would report it to me and I would say 'I'll look at that later'....it was this many times every day so my list of things to look at was growing and growing and I had to carry that around in my head.....on top of the constant budgeting and planning and planning and planning! Youve had lots of good things said - we have 'canteen/oven' food night instead of takeaways, I stopped using ynab, Groceries we took out cash for a week rather than a month as this stopped me waiting for pay day.

When my DH asked a question it was easy to answer himself I just started staying silent like I hadnt heard him or sayng I dont know or asking him to check for himself. I wasnt trying to be obnoxious, he knew why I was doing it, it was just to highlight the dynamic we got into where he asked an inane question and I answered it instead of him just looking for himself. If I walked into the kitchen for him to report the broken dishwasher to me id ask. 'Are you telling me so i investigate and fix it'? just to highlight the resopnsibility was being passed to me again.

Ive recently had problems getting him to tell me what he wants on the meal plan (doesnt eat meat or dairy) and then low level grumbling about being bored by food and always hungry, so now he has full responsibility for the meal plan until he can get himself to engage a bit more - it turned out he needed to walk around the supermarket to get some ideas of whats there but he hadnt done the shopping in a year or so because I had been doing it all.

I still open my money spreadsheet too much, I still plan plan plan, to the point its andOCD thing. I realised I hadnt read a book or sat and watched a film in a long time. Part of that it because I have 2 young children but also because I was always meal panning/budgeting/worrying with numbers. I have to activily force myself not to do this ad find ways to relax. It might not be the case with you but perhaps consider it and force yourself to put the budget down/not look at MSE/and think about something else when you find yourself worrying about money despite all the bills having been paid.

Thank you for taking the time to reply so in depth. I think you might be on to something. I do actually have OCD, but, although mine doesn’t manifest in a cleanliness and orderliness way, I do have a perfectionism trait, which means I get anxious if things aren’t ‘just so’...but then my husband has similar traits (although he won’t admit it), so it’s not just me being over pernickety.

I do definitely think we have a similar dynamic. Especially with the ‘what’s for tea?, what’s for lunch?, we have saved enough for Christmas, haven’t we? We have saved enough for holidays, haven’t we?, when is this, when is that?, what have we overspent on’ questions. Similarly if we get anything done in the house..repairs or even work to do with the renovations, it’s always, ‘have you been in touch with the joiner, plumber, electrician, decorator etc yet?’


I don’t think I got OTT with YNAB, but in recent weeks, I just cannot be bothered to even update it or look at it, so I end up leaving it for a few days then it takes ages to do and reconcile!!

I also think in a non chronic illness household, the split of tasks may be considered equal, although I still think the finances and the burden that comes with it should be a joint responsibility, especially when debt and budgeting is involved. However, what I am doing is having a significant impact on my health. Because of what I do, I have nothing left for anything that would be considered fun. It’s like my life has been reduced to one of drudgery. All I ever do is domestic crap, with no interaction with anyone else. At least at work there’s usually a bit of chat and laughter in between tasks. I appreciate this is another issue and one which I don’t expect my husband to have to solve for me.

My day today will consist of cleaning the bathroom, laundry, ironing, meal planning for the week, shoe polishing for school, potentially trying to work something out so budgeting or YNABing becomes simpler, cooking, reading and homework with the 9 year old. He’s sat on his PS4! I can ask him to ‘help’, but I asked him to empty the bin yesterday morning (too heavy for me to lift), and he has just done it now.

This seems to have become more than just about budgeting!!:D Oops.

Happier_Me

Sometimes ifs easy to underlay what the other does in a relationship as their 'share of the the chores'. I think its also important you appreciate what he's contributing tooYou have chronic illness and the responsibility for much of the running of the household. Your partner had the responsibility of paying the bills

Anoneemoose

Happier_Me wrote: »

Sometimes ifs easy to underlay what the other does in a relationship as their 'share of the the chores'. I think its also important you appreciate what he's contributing tooYou have chronic illness and the responsibility for much of the running of the household. Your partner had the responsibility of paying the bills

I definitely do appreciate what he does. I just genuinely don’t think there’s an equal balance. Even without the budgeting situation. However, help with the budgeting, in particular with the debt is something I think should be shared.

Sea_Shell

It sounds to me though, that HE doesn't appreciate what YOU do!!!

Do you feel appreciated? Does he ever tell you that?

Sounds like you're getting to the point where it'll come to a head and you'll snap. Are you?

He might EARN the money, but he seems to have washed his hands of the responsibility of "paying the bills", that's "your" job!!

What would he do if you "downed tools" for even just a week? Could he cope if he HAD too, if you genuinely couldn't carry on (for whatever reason)?

pollypenny

I haven't time to read the whole thread, but I recognise your situation.

I used to do our budget, but it got to a state where I felt like a mum telling a little boy that we couldn't buy such and such. After some stress, leading to OH taking over and running up debts, we decided that togetherness was the answer.

Twice a month, pensions day which luckily is the same and the middle of the month, and 1st we sit down together, with any credit card bills, cheque books etc and go through things.