Custody and the CSA?

Gingham_Ribbon

Well I never! I had no idea that was there. So sorry. That looks like it'll have lots of the answers I need. Many thanks.

Becles

As people have said, maintenance money and access visits are two totally separate things, and one doesn't depend on the other.

If they can make an amicable agreement on both maintenance and access visits it will be a lot cheaper than getting solicitors involved.

I don't rate the CSA - they can be hopelessly inefficient. You can read my thread in the CSA forum if you want to see how they have treated my husband.

My ex worked out on the CSA website what his payment would be for the boys, and he sends me that each month by standing order on the last day of the month when his wages go in. To be fair, he has paid that regularly.

Access is something they need to arrange between themselves. The man needs to realise he's not a babysitter and he is spending quality time with his child. If he can do that at set times per week, it will help the mother plan her own life.

It's also beneficial to the child if they know they will see Daddy at x time every week. It's something they can look forward to, and they plan things they want to do with him.

My ex never has a regular contact time and I too have been dropped in it at the last minute. It doesn't really work to be honest, and he'll never take them on an evening so I can go out as he doesn't think I should be socialising. The boys don't have a very good relationship with him due to the let downs and infrequent contact he makes. He's just upset them as he has informed them he will not be seeing them on Christmas Day because he'd rather be drinking and won't be sober enough to drive :rolleyes: If you can avoid things like that happening it will keep a better relationship between the child and the father.

Best of luck xx

Carmina_Piranha_3

gingham is he saying that if he has to pay the CSA he can't afford a flat with an extra bedroom?

oh becles how horrible for your boys to hear that they're less important than him being drunk - couldn't he see them BEFORE he starts drinking? sorry i know this is gingham's thread but i'm hormonal today and that just got to me, poor boys.

gingham i don't know the ins and outs because my ex never wanted access, he visited the first few his parents came over but that was it. the CSA lost him after his his first couple of efforts and have only just last month sent me a letter asking if i know where he is and that they're thinking of taking his wages etc. - they have his national insurance number, surely they would be better at finding him than i would? he could have been dead for 9 years for all i know.

anyway, that's by the by. i had the impression at the time that the CSA are pretty hopeless if you're on benefits but if you're not on benefits they wouldn't get involved. i know that my sister and her ex were going through the CSA but their file has been in somebody's in-tray for five years with nothing done about it.

hopefully you'll get more info on the board though.

CSA have nothing to do with access, it's totally separate. the absent father gets a reduction if he regularly has the child overnight though.

as for him letting her down with arrangements what about his own parents? could it be suggested that if access times are agreed it's his own responsibility to find childcare if he is not going to do it himself during the agreed times? what does his mother think about it, would she 'babysit'?

Strapped

As the wife of a man who would LOVE to be able to spend quality time with his daughter, this is such a sad thread.

In answer to your original questions, access and CSA/child support are two separate issues. I'd recommend posting questions about the latter on the CSA board.

Re. access - it's very difficult (impossible in fact) to force her ex to see the child if he refuses. Hopefully he will come to his senses! I would agree that mediation is the way to go if possible. And btw, Contact Orders are not worth the paper they are written on, so I would strongly advise not to waste money on the family courts. If he refuses to go to mediation, I would simply tell your friend to write to him, asking what regular access he would like. If he doesn't reply, I'd follow it up with a letter saying, as you haven't said what times you would like, here are my proposals, and her preferred times. Then the ball is in his court if he wants something different.

Gingham_Ribbon

Carmina_Piranha wrote: »

gingham is he saying that if he has to pay the CSA he can't afford a flat with an extra bedroom?

No. At the moment she's never been in his flat. He's saying he'll do what he wants or his daughter won't see him and my friend will be stuck unable to socialise or go to her evening job. His mum does help by looking after her in the afternoons. I can't go into details but how he wants things to be done is NOT working.

I am not trying to paint him to be the bad guy. I like both of them and love their daughter to bits. But they've both made mistakes and he's angry and lashing out, not really realising the person he's hurting most is his daughter.

I think if they, as you've all said, have a regular, agreed system that they both stick to, they'll all benefit. I know I can help my friend, and he's appreciated my help before so I may be someone he'd trust enough to start talking to...we'll see. This has been very helpful. I've quite a few ideas to bring to the table now. Many thanks.

Becles, I had a brief look at your thread. :eek: I hope you're okay. x

Becles

I'm fine thanks. I think the CSA nightmare has ended now. We'll see on Thursday when he gets his payslip!