Help. Nowhere to turn.

DebtSpiral99

Many thanks, I think we will go along and get them as an option, not even sure they will be able to do anything.

YORKSHIRELASS

I have a lot of sympathy with your post, that feeling that money worries have swallowed you up and there is no way out, I have been there too and it truly feels like the end of the world. However, there will be a solution, it might not be easy and it might mean some changes that seem hard to begin with, but you are where you are, and there will be a way out.

I am guessing that you have been living beyond your means for a long time, you probably also don't really know where your money goes. To be able to make a start you need to address both of these. This is something you can do now and believe me no matter how awful it looks you will feel better once you have done that at least.

You need to do a SOA, as others have suggested, but maybe first you need to total up your debts, and spend some time going through the bank statement and working out exactly what came in and what went out last month. Once you have got that in black and white you are starting to take control.

Hard as it is you have to cut back. This means the wife and the kids grasping the fact that you simply cannot afford the lifestyle you have, which is really tough but this is killing you and it can't go on.

Part of my huge debts have been built up funding my adult kids through apprenticeships and college - which I dont regret but if I had thought it through I wouldnt have just blindly put it all on the credit cards.

Once you know where you are you are ready to take advice on the way forward - Stepchange or CAB are good - but be prepared to be brutally honest with yourself and your family.

I wish you lots of luck with it.

Unicorn_cottage

Hi DebtSpiral99

Maybe have a look at the Debt Free Wannabe Diaries to get some inspiration. You will come across all sorts of people and situations there but they are all working towards being free of horrible financial burdens.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=177

Also try The Debt Free Roll Of Honour where you can see posts dating back from 2006 to the present time saying how this website has helped them. Many people in this forum have gone from being in debt to being mortgage free. It is a constant inspiration to me.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/291326/the-debt-free-roll-of-honour

You seem reluctant to post your SOA but it will really help you focus your mind. Even just going through the process yourself will help even if you don't ultimately post it here but do remember it is anonymous and ultimately we can help advise and help you say money.

Good luck!

theoretica

I am glad you have talked to your family - it really struck me how much you used 'I' in your first post - it isn't all your responsibility and am glad to see that 'we are going to tackle it'. You mention selling things - your sons sound old enough to take much of the time consuming effort of this on to raise money for their luxuries.



We have so much to spend money on nowadays that didn't exist in our grandparents' day. I find it useful sometimes to remind myself of that and the difference between all the stuff advertisers want us to spend money on and what is really necessary.

DebtSpiral99

You are right on all counts. The pressure on our kids to have the latest stuff etc is growing and this pressure then ends up on us to try and help them. My son is 16 and is working really hard already in the evenings and at weekends so we want to help him as well as he is already helping himself, thanks for the reply.

theoretica

DebtSpiral99 wrote: »

You are right on all counts. The pressure on our kids to have the latest stuff etc is growing and this pressure then ends up on us to try and help them. My son is 16 and is working really hard already in the evenings and at weekends so we want to help him as well as he is already helping himself, thanks for the reply.

Looking on this another way - you could be really helping their future life and finances by working with them on recognising and resisting such pressure. To make their own considered choices when to buy the latest stuff, when to wait till the same thing is older and cheaper and when to simply say no.


My intention is to point out the silver lining - not tell you how to parent!

enthusiasticsaver

From the sound of it you have been living beyond your means for a while and it has now caught up with you. It is very common and if you did not have the debt you probably could very easily live within your income. An soa will help us suggest ways to go.

The first thing I would say is do not consolidate debt or increase your mortgage. It almost always makes things worse.

Getting your wife on board is a must as it is much easier to tackle as part of a team and less stressful for you. You did not get in this situation alone.

As others have said some of the things you have said are necessities are not. Do not go into debt for school trips, piano lessons or driving lessons for your son. Teaching them to budget and realising money does not grow on trees will help them in adulthood. They are young and will have lots of opportunities to do these things in the future if they really want to when they can afford it. It is most definitely not something to go into debt for.

Keeping up with the Jones is a recipe for disaster. Start a spending diary, cut up the cards, save an emergency fund and live in your budget. Save up for things like holidays and gifts, piano lessons etc. It is more important to pay the mortgage and cover your bills.

SusieT

One word of caution, please be very aware that if you discuss your financial situation with the bank, and you have an overdraft with them, they are VERY likely to call it in so that they get there money before they lose it, so your pay will go in and they will take whatever they need from it to pay themselves.
If you see them, just ask about restructuring your mortgage or something, as they are one of the last institutions that you need to know about any financial problems until you have opened a new account with no overdraft facility and moved your pay to them.

Tropically

Don't forget the SOA. It will be very helpful as it will allow us to give you practical advice rather than a pep talk.

katsu

I never went on a school trip abroad. I didn't even bother bringing letters home as I knew we couldn't afford it. I was in my 20s before I went outside the UK. Our holidays were visiting friends.

I was working just like your son from the earliest age I could. It's character building and occasionally exhausting. You don't need to buy him a car or other things.

Your kids can still be great people if they learn to struggle a bit for money. Better that than being a big spender and getting into their own debt.

Please do think about posting an SOA and you'll get some great help.