Help. Nowhere to turn.

DebtSpiral99

If I died through stress caused by money worries, I know that everyone would say ‘if I’d have known, I’d have helped, I’d have sold this or borrowed that, why didn’t he talk to me?’.

However the shame of getting myself back into this situation yet again is too much. I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone about it, not even my wife or Mum who I am closest to.

I was going to The Samaritans yesterday when I went to town but I even bottled that because I knew they’d just say ‘speak to people, they’ll want to help, they love you’ etc.

Everyone has already helped me out down the years, Mum, Uncle, In-Laws. I’ve been in this situation time and time again, always thinking right this is it but I’ve continued to let everyone down time and time again by simply trying to keep us going through the month.

My wife (understandable and perfectly acceptable) wants to go on nice holidays, she wants a nice new car, clothes, weekends away but I can’t provide these things.

We earn good but not amazing money now but being honest I am not sure that even without my debts/terrible mortgage, we’d be able to afford these things really. How do people actually afford a decent holiday without going into debt?

This time it’s beyond repair, all because of me.l, there is no way out. I am guilty of being optimistic about our situation, expecting more money to be coming in that was actually realistic, I’m always thinking something will turn up, things will improve next month, but it never does.

Wishful thinking that my wife’s salary would be more, that things would be paid off sooner, that I was able to keep things ticking over before her pay increased.

Her pay increased a bit but with her pension and Student Loan payments, it wasn’t as much as I’d planned or hoped for.

Our Electric/Gas has gone up by £100, one of my numerous credit cards up by £80, plus almost all our credit cards are now maxed out so using those to keep our heads above water is now off the table.

On paper before her first paypacket I worked out we’d be about £500 better off than we actually are.

We are on a horrendous mortgage deal, which actually goes up another £300 in 14 months making it even more unmanageable and we can’t get out of that either because of the other debts, it’s one huge vicious circle.

The most frustrating thing of all is that if I could get a decent high street mortgage, we could cut £300+ from our payment, plus if I could consolidate (again) we could save another £400+ a month on the debts. However due to my stupidity these low rates are not available to us and we are trapped, locked into it all and I can’t see a way to get out.

We have no money spare each month, yet we need to buy our eldest son a car, driving lessons and insurance. We all want a holiday, piano lessons and a school ski trip needs finishing off paying along with numerous football matches, nights out, train fares, days out, the list is endless. We are not a posh family (despite the piano and skiing), the piano lessons are something my youngest is good at so we got him doing it at school. The ski trip has been paid for gradually on a credit card, our middle son wanting to go as all of his mates are going and my ability to say no continues to elude me, could explain a lot.

Christmas is coming and god knows how I’ll pay for that. I Just shut down when it’s mentioned, my brain won’t allow me to think about it.

I know people will say you need to cut down on spending, this isn’t possible, everything is already cut to the bone as I try to make our monthly budget look ok, false economy as it rarely pans out the way it should.

I am crying all the time I am on my own, in the car on the way to and from work, in the toilet at home with the door closed.

All I think about during waking hours is money and how I can get out of this once again unsolvable situation. I wake up crying, I have chest pains, and I can’t speak to anyone about it.

I put a brave face on it all of course, my wife and boys are the most important thing in my life and they don’t need to know that I am struggling or else they’d be struggling too.

I continue to dust myself down when I get home from work and get to work, tears gone and work and housework are a welcome distraction but it’s there in my mind all the time, eating away at my thoughts.

I seriously don’t know which way to turn.

Selling up, paying off the mortgage and some/not all of our debts would leave us debt free at some point and having to rent somewhere. This would cause more problems than it would solve as getting the kids to school/college would be an issue plus we’d have no asset.

This route which I see as the most stressful would mean we would be unlikely to be able to get back on the ladder. I’m 47 so a mortgage after we’d saved up a deposit would probably end up the same as we are paying now if I managed to survive that long.

Bankruptcy has been discussed, suicidal thoughts dismissed, currently an IVA With PayPal looks like the only viable solution.

A second charge mortgage (a 20 year term, somehow already agreed in principle) may help in the short term but ultimately put us in negative equity and probably serve to make things worse in the long run, so what do I do?

I wish there was someone I could sit down with and they would go here we go, get a new build/part exchange your house, the equity would pay your debts off and you’d just have the mortgage left or know some equally simple way of fixing things but there doesn’t seem to be people who do this. I know the above isn’t a feasible solution but I just need a personal debt specialist who knows all of the options, maybe something staring me in the face, I just need a way out.

Where can I go?
What can I do?
Help.

sourcrates

Hi,

Certainly do not make things worse by borrowing more money, it’s fools gold it really is.
The only realistic options you have as a homeowner is either debt management, or an IVA, you don’t say how much debt you have though, I assume quite a lot, hence the thoughts of an IVA.

You appear to have dismissed bankruptcy, that would effectively remove all your debts, your house would probably be sold to benefit your creditors, but it would also give you that clean slate you so desire, albeit on a rental basis going forward, but with no debts.

I think a statement of affairs is your first step, it does depend how much of a change you really want to make here.

Willing2Learn

Hi there DebtSpiral99 and welcome to the forum

You have some of the classical symptoms of depression. This needs to be addressed at the same time as beginning your debt-busting journey, so that you arrive at your final destination feeling all satisfied, fluffy, warm and full of positivity. Have you spoken to your doctor about your negative emotions, thought patterns and and actions? Maybe they could prescribe you some medication to keep you going during an IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) referral in your local area. Have a little read of the article I have linked for you.

And as far as your finances are concerned. The folks here will need you to post up your Statement of Affairs (SOA) so that we can see your exact circumstances. Then we can give better quality advice, guidance and support.

DebtSpiral99

Thank you, how does a statement of affairs work? Just an income and expenditure overview? Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Willing2Learn

DebtSpiral99 wrote: »

Thank you, how does a statement of affairs work? Just an income and expenditure overview?

Every single penny that is incoming or outgoing from your monthly budget needs to be accounted for within your SOA. All debts and mortgage needs to be listed.

DebtSpiral99

Ok will have a look, just as a message on here or is there a form, guessing it would be public tho?

Willing2Learn

You are totally anonymous and will be fine posting up on this forum. People will then be able to advise you according to the precise information you provide.

gettingtheresometime

I'm going to be a hypocrite here, after telling a fellow poster for effectively bullying a newbie, but only you (& by that I mean the whole family) can make the changes that are needed.

But you have to be honest with your children & whilst they don't have to know the exact figures they can be made aware of the general situation. Does your eldest really need a car? Or is it something that is expected, either by him/her or what you think is expected of you as parents?

Again with the skiing trip - can't that be incorporated into a Christmas present? That's we did with our son, yes he could go on these trips but he knew full well that that was a major part of his present.

I get the impression that a lot of your expenditure is on stuff that you think you should be spending which isn't necessarily the case.

As sourcrates has said post your budget and people can offer advice.

I've been in your position and it's not nice - so don't think I'm unsympathetic because I'm not - but it can be turned around you just have to be prepared to make the necessary changes

moneywow1

DebtSpiral99 wrote: »

My wife (understandable and perfectly acceptable) wants to go on nice holidays, she wants a nice new car, clothes, weekends away but I can’t provide these things.

We have no money spare each month, yet we need to buy our eldest son a car, driving lessons and insurance. We all want a holiday, piano lessons and a school ski trip needs finishing off paying along with numerous football matches, nights out, train fares, days out, the list is endless. We are not a posh family (despite the piano and skiing), the piano lessons are something my youngest is good at so we got him doing it at school. The ski trip has been paid for gradually on a credit card, our middle son wanting to go as all of his mates are going and my ability to say no continues to elude me, could explain a lot.

I'm sorry to be brutally honest, but there are lots of things people want but can't have/shouldn't spend money on.

And you don't NEED to buy your son a car and driving lessons, or piano lessons for your other son.

I think you really do need to speak to your wife in this situation.

You say lots of people have helped you out, and that's good, but I see no mention of your wife in that list. This is her problem as well so I think you definitely need to speak to her.

Happier_Me

No debt situation is insurmountable but your lifestyle is massively contributing to your debt. Things have to change and there is no better time to change than today. When I say change, I'm referring to your family, not just you. Your wife is equally responsible for your financial situation, she's an adult after all.

Do an SOA that reflects your current spend. So pull out all your bank and credit card statements and record what you've spent each month for the last three months. Every penny needs accounting for.

Then work out your needs. Let's be clear about what a need is here... You don't need a night out or a holiday, takeaways, piano lessons, a car for your son.

You need to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table. You need to sell anything of value and your son needs to get a job to pay for his own driving lessons. This will honestly be the best lesson your can teach him - the value of money!

Now, lecture over. You and your wife can fix this together. Sit her down and yes, talk to her. This is as much her problem as it is yours so share it and work together to fix it. And do it today... please, for the sake of your mental health!

Take control of your spending and you will feel start to feel better about your situation.

buythedip

What does your make of all this?