Why does my dad forget me ?

DevilsAdvocate1

My dad seems to forget he has a daughter and I wonder what I've done wrong. I'm an only child (adult now) so its not like he has tons of children to remember.


The first time I really noticed it I was out to lunch with both my mum and dad. I was telling them about my eldest son who had just started his first relationship. My dad was so pleased and said that it was great .news as his wife (my mum) now had someone she could leave her jewellry to in her will. I thought it was an odd thing to say and felt a bit hurt, but I let it go.


About 3 years ago my mum was unwell before Christmas, so my dad did all the preparations. Come Christmas day there were presents for my three sons and my husband but nothing for me. My husband was the only one to notice and I felt very hurt by this, but again let it go.


We often celebrate family birthdays and events and I noticed that dad never, ever buys a drink for me. He buys drinks for everyone else. I have brought this up and this has changed.


Today, I'm looking after mum as I do every Monday, so dad can have a day off. I usually bring my laptop and do some work as mum sleeps until lunchtime. I created a folder with my name for my documents. However, I clicked on the wrong folder by mistake and saw five documents - one each for my husband, my mum and my three sons. The documents have their names. I was just about to click "back" when I noticed the name of the folder. Its called "Letters for my family". I take it they are letters to give after he dies. Obviously, I'm not going to open them, but wonder why, yet again I'm not included.


There have been many other similar incidents too. No solutions required really. I just feel really upset. Why does he keep doing this to me? Looking at the dates, these letters were written in 2009. I don't think its dementia.

PasturesNew

Are you of a culture where you're "just a girl" as the only thing different between you and everybody else is you're female.

mattpaint

Ask him? It's really the only way you'll find out.

kazwookie

Sit him down with a cuppa / cake etc and ask him..................

System

It may be that in his family, boys were seen as the inheritors? But I would be asking him why he does not treat you the same way as the boys, did he do this when you were a child?

mattpaint

Actually, must edit, I thought this sounded familiar. You've had the same issues with your in laws where you've accused them of leaving you out.

It seems unlikely that this would be the case so I would suggest seeking therapy or something.

coffeehound

That does seem very crass of him to not think of you. Could it be that you were such a self-sufficient person growing up that you didn't appear needy for anything? It's the people who make a lot of noise and demands who tend to be treated better in life by others. "It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease" as they say.

DevilsAdvocate1

PasturesNew wrote: »

Are you of a culture where you're "just a girl" as the only thing different between you and everybody else is you're female.

No. I'm white and northern. My gran (dad's mum) didn't like women but I think that more to do with being jealous.

DevilsAdvocate1

coffeehound wrote: »

That does seem very crass of him to not think of you. Could it be that you were such a self-sufficient person growing up that you didn't appear needy for anything? It's the people who make a lot of noise and demands who tend to be treated better in life by others. "It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease" as they say.

Dad worked alot when I was growing up so I didn't see much of him I also discovered that my mum did not want us to be close. She was abused by her dad and I think she was trying to protect me.



I just feel so hurt seeing the documents with the rest of the family but none with my name on.


When I poitned out about the drinks he was shocked as he hadn't realised. He always remembers now but surely this should be natural. My husband thinks its just that dad takes me forgranted and feels he has to make an effort with everyone else. I don't agree.



These letters were obviously written before I brought it up as I only did this in the last year.

DevilsAdvocate1

mattpaint wrote: »

Actually, must edit, I thought this sounded familiar. You've had the same issues with your in laws where you've accused them of leaving you out.

It seems unlikely that this would be the case so I would suggest seeking therapy or something.

Or maybe I'm just a doormat. I don't see much of my inlaws now. They come to visit once a week but usually when I'm out. My husband actually witnessed something when neither me or MIL knew he was there. Since then he has been supportive of me.

NBLondon

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I usually bring my laptop and do some work as mum sleeps until lunchtime. I created a folder with my name for my documents. However, I clicked on the wrong folder by mistake and saw five documents - one each for my husband, my mum and my three sons. The documents have their names. I was just about to click "back" when I noticed the name of the folder. Its called "Letters for my family". I take it they are letters to give after he dies. Obviously, I'm not going to open them, but wonder why, yet again I'm not included.

You brought your laptop to work on and found documents that he created on it 10 years ago? Or did you forget yours and borrow his?