Paying child maintenance when I have my Son 6 nights

Ms_Chocaholic

It will only be when you stop the maintenance that she will want him back.

bflare

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

It will only be when you stop the maintenance that she will want him back.

Oh yes I can believe that. She complained when I reduced it last time in line with the duration that I had him stay saying that she wouldn't be able to afford to live. Completely missing the point what child maintenance is for & if he is not there then she shouldn't need the money. This tells me that my son was basically neglected & if it wasn't for me then god knows how he would of been clothed etc.

poppasmurf_bewdley

bflare wrote: »

Due to welfare concerns of my 12 year old Son & what he says he wants I now have my Son stay over with me for 6 nights per week. His mother has moved in a man who is on a methadone treatment plan. She is also heavily in debt or spending money on things that she shouldn't be. For 7 years I have been paying all her bills as part of a private child maintenance arrangement. This arrangement was based on me only having my son stay 1 night per week. Over the years due to various reasons the rate of me having him has risen to the 6 nights but I have kept the payments the same.


A couple of months ago I said I will be reducing the payments due to our Son been at my home more. She wasn't pleased & said that she wouldn't be able to afford to live & would have to downsize from a 3 bed to a 2 due to bedroom tax & me reducing the payments.


I did the online calculation on the .gov website but it stops at over 3 nights so there is no option for 6 nights. So basically I will be paying my ex £146 a month for my son staying there one night per week & 5 hours during the day on a Sunday plus she is receiving child allowance for him. I am also paying for other things such as haircuts, clothes etc. She receives universal tax credit, housing benefit, council tax reduction & she still asks me to borrow her money. She now has this guy live with her who doesn't work due to a broken hip. So he is receiving benefits & I highly doubt that they have made a joint claim.


Surely I should not have to pay the same rate that the .gov website says for 3 days or more when his mother only has him stay over 1 night plus she receives child allowance for him?

Twenty years ago, I was in almost exactly the same position as you are now.

I had my two kids, then 13 and 10, staying with me at least half the time but I was paying my ex through the nose via the Child Support Agency. Fortunately, I had kept a detailed diary of exactly what nights they had stayed with me, and I won my case that I should pay nothing as I had them on an equal footing with the ex.

Then my son moved in with me, followed by my daughter, when the ex took a partner neither of the kids liked. She was getting the child benefit, and fought like hell to stop me getting it but I did eventually after changing the kids address at school for my own.

I was then able to claim Child and Family Tax Credits.

You have to keep at it, and you will win.

bflare

poppasmurf_bewdley wrote: »

Twenty years ago, I was in almost exactly the same position as you are now.

I had my two kids, then 13 and 10, staying with me at least half the time but I was paying my ex through the nose via the Child Support Agency. Fortunately, I had kept a detailed diary of exactly what nights they had stayed with me, and I won my case that I should pay nothing as I had them on an equal footing with the ex.

Then my son moved in with me, followed by my daughter, when the ex took a partner neither of the kids liked. She was getting the child benefit, and fought like hell to stop me getting it but I did eventually after changing the kids address at school for my own.

I was then able to claim Child and Family Tax Credits.

You have to keep at it, and you will win.

Thank you for this. I think my son wants to live with me full time & is only agreeing to stay at his mum's one night per week so he doesn't upset her but recent events such has his Ps4 & games disappearing is really upsetting him.


The problem with me is that I am too soft & I think about others before myself. I feel awful reducing his mum's maintenance because she will struggle but I have to remember that it isn't my problem. She is an adult & she needs to suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

Spoonie_Turtle

bflare wrote: »

Thank you for this. I think my son wants to live with me full time & is only agreeing to stay at his mum's one night per week so he doesn't upset her but recent events such has his Ps4 & games disappearing is really upsetting him.


The problem with me is that I am too soft & I think about others before myself. I feel awful reducing his mum's maintenance because she will struggle but I have to remember that it isn't my problem. She is an adult & she needs to suffer the consequences of her poor decisions.

bflare wrote: »

Oh yes I can believe that. She complained when I reduced it last time in line with the duration that I had him stay saying that she wouldn't be able to afford to live. Completely missing the point what child maintenance is for & if he is not there then she shouldn't need the money. This tells me that my son was basically neglected & if it wasn't for me then god knows how he would of been clothed etc.

It's probably easier said than done but at this point you really only need to concentrate on your son. Of course actions now will affect how she deals with you regarding your son, but you need to stand your ground and only engage with her on matters regarding your son, nothing else.

You mentioned above she complained they'd have to move from a 3-bed to a 2-bed. Diddums. One child = only needing 2-bed anyway. If your son lives with you full time she'll only need a 1-bed and no protestations of hers will change that fact.

I really hope you can get all this sorted for both your son's sake and yours. On a related but tangential note, please make sure his school are fully aware of what's happening - it will help them support him and also inform how to deal with his mother if she kicks up a fuss about anything.

bflare

Spoonie_Turtle wrote: »

It's probably easier said than done but at this point you really only need to concentrate on your son. Of course actions now will affect how she deals with you regarding your son, but you need to stand your ground and only engage with her on matters regarding your son, nothing else.

You mentioned above she complained they'd have to move from a 3-bed to a 2-bed. Diddums. One child = only needing 2-bed anyway. If your son lives with you full time she'll only need a 1-bed and no protestations of hers will change that fact.

I really hope you can get all this sorted for both your son's sake and yours. On a related but tangential note, please make sure his school are fully aware of what's happening - it will help them support him and also inform how to deal with his mother if she kicks up a fuss about anything.

Thank you & I have had a word with his school to inform them of the situation. They were very understandable.

bflare

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Why does he stay at his mum's for one night per week though, why don't you have him full-time or is that considered contact.

This has now changed since I received a nasty text from her boyfriend. I drafted a Parental Plan & said that my son would no longer be staying over & she can see him for a total of 6 hours per week split over 2 evenings. He went there on Sunday for 2 hours & they were empty cupboards with no food or drink for him!

bflare

kathrynha wrote: »

You shouldn't be paying anything. If you have him 6 nights a week she should be paying you maintenance. Also you should be getting the child benefit.

My son is now living with me full time so I sent off the form to Child Benefit to notify them. My ex phoned me up this morning crying & pretty upset that she has gone to the bank expecting the Child Benefit to be there & they have stopped it. She said I am nasty & just want to hurt her. I tried explaining that she is not entitled to the child Benefit & if she is relying on it when she has not got a child there to support then she has bigger issues. Her boyfriend decided to chirp in & call me a b@#tard for taking the money away from my son. I politlely asked him to mind his business & I was met with "what the f@ck are you going to do about it".


Previous to this I emailed Child Maintenance Services who confirmed that my ex should be paying me & that I should be claiming child benefit. I told my ex all of this in a letter that I sent her. I also gave her a copy of the email from Child Maintenance Service.