Families and bereavement - loads of problems

Skiddaw1

That's true. It's all so raw at present and I can imagine your brother's curved-ball about the ashes feels like the final straw. Of course, it's possible that at some point in the past your father did say something to your brother in passing to the effect that he'd like his ashes scattered at sea without really meaning it seriously. I can understand how you feel about separating his ashes- it's not logical but I'd be loath to do it too if it was someone I loved- and I still think the garden of remembrance is the way to go. Perhaps follow Belfastgirl's suggestion if at all feasible, and play to his better nature.



Poor you. I'm sure you could do without this.

gizmo111

I just feel that because dad and his wife (the 'brothers' mum) had such a long and happy marriage it would be the best place in The Garden of Remembrance, where dads parents were scattered too.

Is this your half brother or step brother?

dazza-mac

Half brother.

appealing to his better nature is pointless - plus I haven't got the time to look for it.

He is simply trying to rewrite history.

It really is a case of 'doing nothing to speak of for years' and then suddenly wanting to take charge.

If he thought he was the better offspring then why didn't he come down and actually do something - instead of leaving after a coffee and walking past the dirty bedding, or take dad out more than I think the 3 or 4 times he did in the last 6 years, or come down when a carer bunged up the toilet and I was there for hours cleaning and bleaching when I was ill and in pain myself.

I can honestly say that if I say black, he'd say white.

Sorry for 'oversharing' but it just gets me so down - and it's still not all over.

dazza-mac

gizmo111 wrote: »

I just feel that because dad and his wife (the 'brothers' mum) had such a long and happy marriage it would be the best place in The Garden of Remembrance, where dads parents were scattered too.

Is this your half brother or step brother?

Half brother - more's the pity. We share the same dad.

elsien

Whoever organised the funeral and signed the contract with the funeral director gets possession of the ashes.
If that's you, you need to decide whether you care about having any chance of rebuilding the relationship with your brother. If yes, then give him a small portion of the ashes to do with as he wishes. I understand your reservations about splitting them - I feel the same - but it doesn't have to be half.
And do the garden of remembrance thing with the rest of the family. Whether he chooses to attend or not is up to him.

POPPYOSCAR

Be the bigger person.

Share the ashes.

My brother has half his ashes buried with a headstone.

The other half my SIL has been taking and scattering in places where they went and had great holidays.

dazza-mac

elsien wrote: »

Whoever organised the funeral and signed the contract with the funeral director gets possession of the ashes.
If that's you, you need to decide whether you care about having any chance of rebuilding the relationship with your brother. If yes, then give him a small portion of the ashes to do with as he wishes. I understand your reservations about splitting them - I feel the same - but it doesn't have to be half.
And do the garden of remembrance thing with the rest of the family. Whether he chooses to attend or not is up to him.

Yes, I sorted the funeral etc and I do have the ashes, I just wanted it so that everyone could be there, and then afterwards we could all just go our own way if we wanted.

it's getting me down because I know he's lying and he's just saying it to get his own way and so deciding what to do is just causing more stress etc. And as I said previously, there's loads more to this.

Skiddaw1

I suppose it also depends on how much of a head of steam he has going about it. If you don't engage with it and just quietly carry on with your garden of remembrance plans is he likely to lose interest anyway?

suejb2

Choices
Stand your ground
Share the ashes
Give in, let him dictate
Share the “ashes” (wink...wink)
You are free to ignore any of the above.

JamoLew

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It is my opinion that (barring other factors) the one who did the majority of the work should also get the majority of the say.

.

This doesn't work for many reasons.

One child may live hundreds or thousands of miles away.

One child may have no life commitments whilst another may have a job

For example one of my sisters lives 5 min from my dad, I live 5 hours away. She doesn't have a job, I work 50+ hours a week.

If Dad got ill, my sister would look after him (we have already discussed this)

She shouldn't get more of a say or more of anything based on this.

We have encouraged dad to make a will being very specific about certain aspects to prevent this sort of argument.

Your best option, in the absence of any written request by your dad, is to give you step-brother a portion of the ashes to do with as he sees fit.

After all, he WAS his father as well and different people show love in different ways to their parents. It is rarely conditional