Families and bereavement - loads of problems

dazza-mac

Hi all,

My poor lovely dad passed away on Jul 7. I feel like it happened 5 minutes ago.

Basically I looked after my dad for the last 7 years. I would go everyday except a sunday and I wouldn't leave until 9pm or later.

It's the classic story of everything being done by one person and then in the last 6 months - the conscience kicks in with other so called 'family' who all of a sudden feel they know what's best.

I could go on for EVER but frankly I think I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown and it'd not take much to tip me over the edge.

Suddenly after years and years of my dads son not saying a word, He suddenly came out with, 'oh, dad wanted his ashes scattered at sea'.

This is the bloke that did nothing but visit once in a while and only started coming down more regularly during dads last 6 months. He claimed he was there everyday - but he wasn't, and when he came down he stayed a half hour or so.

Anyway, we don't get on and it's now at the point where I could happily shoot him. We have another brother who lives away.

I genuinely believe that he is lying just to get his own way. I know that dad would've told either both of us - to avoid any arguments or he would've told me. And I would've ensured that his son and my other brother who lives away were told whilst dad was still around.

I would like dads ashes scattered in the Garden of Remembrance where his parents and his wife (not my mum) who he was married to for over 30 years. I feel it is fitting.

Do you think I'm right to suggest this, and to also say that if we 3 can't agree on something - it would be only right to go by the majority vote? The brother who lives away is in agreement that we should scatter them in the G.O.R.

I just want to make it clear that despite not liking this 'brother' I know he is lying as there's been loads of disputes about one thing or another. If dad wanted that then I would totally agree.

Like I said he was never there. Not when dad was ill, not when we waited hours for an ambulance or hours to see the doctor, or hours to get a bed on the ward. Never went to appointments etc, never washed or shopped - nothing!

Any advice?

Skiddaw1

I'd go with the 'majority vote' route unless there's any convincing evidence that your father really did want his ashes scattered at sea. What makes your brother think this?

pinkshoes

Just write to him saying you have looked after your dad for the last 7 years and his wishes were to scatter his ashes in the GOR with his late wife and parents, and you will be therefore carrying out his wishes.

Say nothing more.

Sorry for your loss.

Skiddaw1

I think pinkshoes has the rights of it.


Good luck.

carly

You could also divide the ashes and do what you think right with your portion. Give your brother his portion to do with as he wishes. This could avoid years of distress and arguments for you and minimise contact with your brother if you don't wish to see him.

tacpot12

carly wrote: »

You could also divide the ashes and do what you think right with your portion. Give your brother his portion to do with as he wishes. This could avoid years of distress and arguments for you and minimise contact with your brother if you don't wish to see him.

I do think this is a good option. The majority of the "ashes" that are given to relatives is actually the remains of the casket with the bones (that don't burn) ground down. Thus "the ashes" contain all the earthly remains of the person, their "essence", if you will, but they are also more than the person. Spreading them in different places allows their essence to exist in many places at once. To my mind, once we are dead, we are everywhere and nowhere anyway, so spreading our remains around is fitting.

paddy's_mum

I don't wish to be morbid, especially if the OP is feeling very low, but I'd bet money that most people have no idea what the ashes look like or how big a parcel it would make.

My mother asked for a small portion of her late sister's ashes to spread on a meadow that was their childhood playground. She was astonished when the next of kin fetched out half a carrier bag's worth, which was the entire earthly remains!

Split the ashes, give the brother a quarter and then go ahead with your plan to place the remainder in the GOR.

It is my opinion that (barring other factors) the one who did the majority of the work should also get the majority of the say.

Good luck, OP, but don't forget to look after yourself too.

dazza-mac

Skiddaw1 wrote: »

I'd go with the 'majority vote' route unless there's any convincing evidence that your father really did want his ashes scattered at sea. What makes your brother think this?

I think because dad used to be in the Royal Navy decades ago. I think it's just a control thing personally. But dad never said a word and we discussed many things. But whatever I say, he will just say the opposite.

It's got me all chewed up coz I struggle with health problems myself and it leaves a bad taste that he did next to nothing for our dad. Going to visit isn't the same as being there for someone.

And because I struggled/struggle with various health problems I feel that I let dad down as I would get irritiable etc - and although I never begrudged a thing for dad, I constantly worry that he may have thought I did.

I just feel that because dad and his wife (the 'brothers' mum) had such a long and happy marriage it would be the best place in The Garden of Remembrance, where dads parents were scattered too.

dazza-mac

pinkshoes wrote: »

Just write to him saying you have looked after your dad for the last 7 years and his wishes were to scatter his ashes in the GOR with his late wife and parents, and you will be therefore carrying out his wishes.

Say nothing more.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't think I'd get away with that as I should have said it immediately. As for write to him, we've been going via a third person and now that's ended - a whole other reason for that...

dazza-mac

carly wrote: »

You could also divide the ashes and do what you think right with your portion. Give your brother his portion to do with as he wishes. This could avoid years of distress and arguments for you and minimise contact with your brother if you don't wish to see him.

That makes me feel uneasy for some reason. I always feel that they should be kept together. But that may well be what happens in the end.

belfastgirl23

Just a line first of all to say how sorry I am to hear about your dad. Bereavement is horrible. It just is. And there’s no way round it but through it as I’m sure you know only too well.

Guilt and anger are totally normal feelings when you’re grieving. After a recent bereavement (edited to say actually almost 3 years ago but in grief time that’s still recent) I had huge anger towards one of my siblings. I can still see now why I was so angry but I’m so glad I didn’t open that particular can of worms. Yes they were behaving very thoughtlessly but I don’t think that being angry with them would have helped at all. Instead DH took the brunt of it, including the tears and the yelling. I am still a little bit hurt by how this person acted but in the end they are family and they were grieving too.

Would your brother perhaps be trying to prove to himself that he was a good son, that he did really know his father etc? In the end it’s not for you to challenge that, he has to live with how he was and what he did. As do you. The feelings of guilt will hopefully fade as you start to see your moments of irritation in the context of the full and meaningful relationship you had.

Could you just say to your brother that your dad also expressed to you a desire to have his ashes scattered (so he obviously had different thoughts at different times) and that since he wasn’t clear about it, it would mean an awful lot to you and to your other brother to have somewhere to visit him. After all he’s gone and you’re still there. And you’d be very grateful to him for his understanding on it. Give him a chance to be the bigger person and hope he agrees. Otherwise dividing the ashes might be the way to go as stated before.

But cut yourself some slack. Knowing you’re angry as a consequence of grief doesn’t make the grief go away but it can help you get some perspective in between the strong emotions. And be kind to yourself, that’s still all very fresh considering how big a change it is in your life.