Really Need Some Advice Please

Small_Yeti

Hi Everyone,


I could really do with some impartial advice.


Last week I agreed to cat sit for a friend (who is a genuinely good person, this post isn't about judging her or her family). I've pet sit for a few people. There is just me and my husband and we live in a good house for pets, we love animals but we are always happy to return them because we know they are someone else's family. We have thought about getting our own but had figured we would do that in a couple of years for a few reasons.


The owner wasn't there when we picked the cat up (we let ourselves in). The cat had been left all day without water and had a few biscuits in a tin. The cat was waiting in the cat box already but the door was open and apparently it had chosen to sit in it.


We took the cat back to ours and it settled in really well. As the week progressed the cat became more confident and was very affectionate with us. We completely fell in love with the cat.


I texted the owner to give cat updates and there was a half-joking suggestion we could keep the cat in response to my joking (genuine joke at the time) the cat was so lovely I may not return it.



We were meant to return the cat on Friday but they asked if we could keep her until Saturday. I texted on Saturday morning and they said we could keep her until later if we wanted as they were going out. We had to chat to them about something else and it was then they asked if we wanted to keep the cat. It was a bit of a surprise but we said we would be tempted. We had to pop out and when we came back we got a message saying they did want the cat back so I said I would return it and then we got another message saying they would come over. When she did she was very torn between us giving the cat a better life and wanting the cat back. The owner cried but also wanted us to have the cat. The cat was not acting like she normally did in our house, didn't go to the owner and was aggitated like she hadn't been before for a while after they left. We tried to be really neutral (because rotten choice for them, didn't want to judge if they wanted us to have the cat and didn't want to catnap cat either) and as they were heading out said the cat could stay on extended holiday to give everyone time to think.


That night the cat was snuggled up with me and all I could think about was how sad her owner must be so the next day I texted to say we would bring her back because not right to catnap.


Previously always calm cat went nuts when we tried to put it in the cat box. Nothing like when we took her away. Didn't want to get in box at all. Tried to run and hide. Squiring and panic at going in box. Mewing in distressing, trying to open box, squiring, trying to dig out of box. Was horrible. Took her back, came back, found message from owner sent before we returned the cat to say she thought maybe cat better with us.


I feel beyond awful. I miss my little friend. I've been crying for three days now. But I wouldn't mind, I'd suck it up, if I thought I had returned the cat to a home it was happy in but I really don't think I have. I think I've made a horrible mistake.



My friend is, like I said, a really lovely person (she really is) but she has a hectic home life. The house is quite small due to an unusual layout and in it there is her, her husband, a child (lovely but very boisterous) and two big dogs. The cat hides most of the time I think. The husband really doesn't care for the cat at all - he prefers dogs. The child was completely fine with us keeping the cat so I don't think must attachment there. My friend is the one that owns the cat and at the time I felt she was being pressured by everyone (including us given how much she could see we loved the cat) to give it up and that didn't feel right, which is why I returned the cat.


But her message about the cat being better with us, her comments about the cat hiding, the fact she told a neighbour her cat wasn't affectionate with her (it really was with us) and doesn't purr (it did with us) have made me doubt myself. Also, there were some signs that maybe things like washing the food bowl, litter tray, etc wre not being done. She was happy the day the cat came back because I checked on her but yesterday she went out and the cat was left on its own all day and pretty much all night (she was away, her husband returned but will not have been affectionate with the cat. I think/hope he will have fed her).


I really feel I've messed up. Should I ask for the cat back? If so, how? She's my friend and I don't want her to think I'm judging her at all. I just think she's got a really busy life and the cat is very low on the priority list. I genuinely feel the cat was happier with us and would be a higher priority in our lives (again, not judging, just we have less on than the owner). I texted on the evening we gave her back and explained that we gave the cat back because we didn't want the owner to feel pressured into giving her up but if they ever wanted to genuinely rehome her (not because they'd been away and felt the cat had settled but because they had genuinely thought it through) we would definitely take her.


What do I do?


PS Sorry for length of post. I'm heartsick and wanted to explain all context.

gettingtheresometime

I don't think there's anything you can do ....the ball, as they say, is in your friend's court.


You've said that the offer to rehome the cat is always there and once the shock of the initial offer has worn off, a considered decision can be reached by your friend......after all it may have seemed callous on her part if she'd agreed that the cat could be rehomed with you without another thought.


To mention it again would, on your part, seem as if you're pressurising her.

Small_Yeti

Thank you. I probably needed to hear that.


I think if I genuinely believed that they wanted the cat and that the cat was happy whilst I would miss the cat I would be more than happy it had returned. It is just because they were so willing to give her away/sort of "ho hum, if you must return her" (which I didn't see until after she went back) and the cat reacted so badly that I regretted returning the cat in seconds. And then I saw that they'd left her for another 24 hours, worried that they left her without water like the day we collected her and also that originally they were just going to leave her with food/water for the week before they asked if I could take her that I feel so bad.


I'm sorry to waffle. I'm trying to reconcile it in my head.


Ultimately she's not my cat but I wish more than anything I had agreed when she said to keep her.

gettingtheresometime

I understand where you are coming from, I honestly do - something animal related also happened on the weekend and whilst there was absolutely nothing I or Hubby could do, it creased us to just walk away ...but that's a totally different thread.


Are they the sort of people to have frequent weekends away? If so then I'd be tempted next time you see her to drop into the conversation that you'd love to pet sit the cat again when they do - perhaps that's the conversation starter you need.


But other that, unfortunately you have to accept the situation as it is.

Small_Yeti

Thank you for being so understanding. It has really hit me hard mainly because I feel like the cat felt so happy and content and I betrayed its trust and because I feel like my friend really isn't bothered that the cat has come home and would have been happy with it staying with us. They don't go away often.



I think I will not get this opportunity again and I know it is going to haunt me. I could have given the cat a happy life. I was trying to do the right thing but I chose wrong.


I really do appreciate you being honest and kind about it though. I am just devastated.

Spazter

Could you approach your friend on the basis that you are missing the cat so much you have been crying? Ask if they will consider again you having the cat?

This may again refresh in their mind you do want the cat, which then may prompt them to again reconsider and offer the cat to you? If not you can say your offer is always open as you do now want to shamelessly catnap :-).

Small_Yeti

Hi,


I genuinely had to text her about something else today. I realised if I didn't mention the cat it would seem like I didn't care but also Gettingtheresometime gave good advice yesterday so I wanted to bear that in mind also.



I texted the thing I needed to and something else and in the middle that I was missing the cat but that I was hoping it was purring for her now so she would know I cared about the cat but also respected that she was back home. This makes sense to the owner because the cat was purring at our house and it had never purred at hers. When we returned the cat we gave her a toy we'd got (she arrived with no toys) that had made her really happy/purr lots when we gave it to her so we said hopefully it would purr at her house now.


She replied that the cat was not purring but that she was cuddled up with it and sorry that I was missing her. I think it was a definite "my cat again now" response, which is fair enough and which I must respect. I've already texted (on the day I gave her back which I regretted in seconds) to say I would have the cat in seconds if they ever really wanted to rehome her and not because snap decision so I have made that clear.


I'm still really upset. It's completely irrational because I knew she wasn't mine when we were sitting her and I've never done this with another animal even though I've pet sit a few. I just have this strong gut feeling that I've made a terrible mistake. The cat acted totally different around us to her owner and was so distressed on leaving our house. I'd reverse my decision in a heartbeat if I could.

hb2

I think all you can do is keep the door open (metaphorically, winter will soon be upon us!) in case your friend changes her mind at any time. I think that putting any sort of pressure on her now might cause her to 'dig in her heels' and be more determined to keep her/him.

jjhdee

Really sorry you're in this situation. I know you think it's irrational, what you're feeling, but it is completely understandable -- you formed a bond here and got quite attached. Your friend might not like it if you push the idea though, it's better that the idea comes from her.

elsien

Just to add another perspective, cats can be fickle animals.
If it was genuinely unhappy in your friend's house, it would take itself elsewhere and find another owner.

Elizabeth_B

Hey, I need some guide for my kitty. She is not well. Can I feed her dog food for good stomach or should I go to Veterinarian?

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