Advice - boyfriend vs. old friend

geekgirl

If you and your friend have been really good buds then I wouldn't dump him as a mate. But I would make it clear that I am not interested in a relationship. Your friend will find someone else and all will be good.
I think it is a bad idea to not be friends with him because your boyfriend doesn't like it. I would let him know that I am going to continue being mates but still be thoughtful of his feelings, which for me would be to still see him with your boyfriend invited but not do overnighters with them.

Imagine the scenario where you do dump your friend. Who might be the next person that your boyfriend doesn't like you hanging around with, how far do you go?

Sola

I'm fortunate in that DH gets on well with my exes and male friends, but if he truly objected to someone, I'd respect his wishes and put him first (and I know he'd do the same in a reversed situation; it's not about a power struggle for us). My loyalty is to him first and foremost, and I know he wouldn't abuse that. Of course there's a difference between genuine disquiet and paranoia, and I guess that will differ in each relationship; in the OP's situation I can understand why the BF is unhappy and that would be a situation where I'd let the friendship cool off and only see the guy in mixed company.

Jo_R_2

lynzpower wrote: »

the bottom line for me has always been to OH "I cannot legislate for other peoples behavour" As long as I know my behavoiur is flawless then thats all I can offer. I personally dont want to be put in the situ where Im blowing some guy out ( embarrassing). Oh says he truts me , but not mate. I reply "I CANNOT LEGISLATE FOR OTHERS BEHAVIOUR" in fact nothing has happened since in any case for OH to get worried about, if there were Id tell him and I wouldnt want to see mate either, if he is purposely making me uncomfortable or making OH worried.

I agree with this and this is one rule I adhere to when it comes to relationships. I probably didn't handle the situation as well as I could have in hindsight, but boyfriend knows he can trust me. Similarly though, he says he trusts me, but not my friend, which in a way negates him saying he trusts me but I understand where he's coming from. He said last night that he doesn't mind me being friends with him, but it's when people start to get duplicitous and start being sneaky trying to get to me that he doesn't like, which I think is rather elaborate but again, I see where he's coming from - he basically thinks the only reason my friend is friends with me is because he wants to sleep with me, and can't stand that when they met up, my friend was nice, friendly and pleasant to him yet has said he feels how he feels.

I have reiterated that he has nothing to worry about, it's him that I want, and I have said that I am going to cool it for a while with my friend because I worry that he may interpret my close friendship as giving him hope that one day something will happen (as in hobo's post.)

rich68

hobo28 wrote: »

Thing is, whilst he's being "just good friends" he is torturing himself thinking that maybe, just MAYBE he has a slither of hope in the future.

I wouldn't assume that this is definitely the case (though I realise you didn't say it was always true). Things are bound to feel a bit awkward for a while so I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it yet. Even if it is hard for your friend it doesn't mean you should stop being friends (which sounds a negative thing to me).

In fact, I wouldn't assume anything. Just ask your friend how he feels about it in a couple of months time. In addition I would make sure that he knows you are not going to leave your boyfriend even though it's only been 5 months (and you could possibly tell your friend that you don't think it would have worked out between you and your friend anyway). That way you make it clear but say you still want to be friends. As another poster suggested, maybe you can help him to find someone else. At the moment he probably won't even consider someone else, but later on he will be grateful for your kindness.

I think it's commendable that you want to remain friends though. The cutting contact thing always sounds like an easy way out to me.